More Like Sterling-Drunker: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- Barrels labeled Dow Chemical found under a soccer field on the Japanese island of Okinawa did not contain Agent Orange, a U.S. military consultant says.

Apparently they were just full of those adorable Scrubbing Bubbles!

 

 

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Young children who drink four or more soft drinks a day are twice as likely to get into physical fights and destroy people's things, U.S. researchers say.

However, children who drink four or more hard drinks a day are twice as likely to grow up and be Don Draper.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (UPI) -- Police gave evacuated New Zealand Parliament employees the all clear to return to work after suspicious white powder was found to be icing on Turkish delight.

But children's book lovers worldwide were not so sure, and raced to warn the police to be on the lookout for a sinister white-skinned lion-hating woman in a mysterious sledge.

 

 

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- A Good Samaritan said he pulled comedic actor Dick Van Dyke from his burning luxury car on the side of a Los Angeles freeway by Monday afternoon.

Those on the scene noted that, ironically, the famous actor had crashed into a truck full of ottomans.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Actress, author and TV personality Soleil Moon Frye said on the "Today" show in New York she is pregnant with her third child, a boy.

A spokesperson for the actress said, as a nod to long time fans, the child's name would be Glomer.