Woot® : One Day, One Deal™

Each week The United States of Songs tries to find a new song to perfectly describe a state in the union. Sometimes I like to take things in a completely new direction for the place, other times the best song on the table just happens to already be the state song. You're up, Sooner State!

The state: Oklahoma
The song: "Oklahoma!" by Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein II

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Did you play any fighting game before Street Fighter II? Or have you ever played a Nintendo? If you answered yes, then you know what you have to do with Kung-Fu Grandpa. Like an elderly Shinobi, he's gonna clear the streets and you've gotta help him.

That old man is you, and youthful butt is what you're gonna be kicking. They'll come from the right AND the left and they'll be enjoyably multicultural when they do. Because this Grandpa isn't a racist, no siree. He only discriminates based on age.

You'll fight your way through common thugs, sometimes in a group and sometimes mano-y-mano. Occasionally they'll drop sodas and money that offer you power and cash. Spend that cash on skill boosts and you'll find it easier to kill the level bosses when they show up. We'll warn you now… they're tough.

But even if you lose at first, don't give up! In later levels the Kung-Fu Grandpa gets weapons, and the first time you beat some young so-and-so with what looks like a golf club, you're gonna understand the elderly a little better. There's a great joy in smackin' down a young and disrespectful fool, and today you're gonna get to feel it! Follow the way of the grey warrior and impose your will on the disorder that is modern life with Kung-Fu Grandpa. But please, hit the mute button. Nobody wants to hear that noise they're calling music these days. It's not like it used to be, boy, people used to know what quality was all about! Did we ever tell you about the street where we grew up? Oh, everyone was so respectful and wore hats, and then one day, when the ice man was making a delivery... hey, did you stop paying attention? How disrespectful! You're what's wrong with the current generation, you are.

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Middle Ground

The great part about a Kelty Versatile Chair is that nobody knows what side you’re on.

See, I’m the sort of person who likes to cover all the bases in life. I can understand why some people might hold a “sit-in” now and then, but I also like capitalism too! So when I go out to an event, I use the Kelty Versatile Chair to make sure I can fit in, no matter what the situation.

If I’m down at the local protest, the 600-D Polyester mini-ripstop and Oxford fabrics let me hold my ground comfortably. I’ll be able to yell “Right on!” and “Power to the people!” with the best of them, while saving wear-and-tear on my legs. But if the cops show up? Why, I just pull out a business magazine from the attached mesh pocket and say “Oh, wow, this isn’t the line for Jimmy Buffett tickets, officer?” And then I quickly collapse it, grab one of the dual carry handles, and get the heck out of there before the trouble starts.

Meanwhile, if I actually am in line for Jimmy Buffett tickets, the Kelty Versatile Chair keeps me comfortable. I can use the adjustable webbing side straps to move between different positions, while still keeping the style you expect from a high-rolling Parrothead. Plus, since this Kelty Versatile Chair comes in a two-pack, I can set up a second and pretend my buddy just ran off for a snack! Then I just set a price, make a few posts online, and boom, I’ve auctioned off the seat to the highest bidder! Take that, TIcketmorons! Score one for the common man!

What do you mean that’s immoral? Oh, so you’ll try to bring down the entire global stock market but getting cash for an extra ticket is somehow unethical? Man, whatever. Get out of my Kelty Versatile Chair two pack and mind your own business before I hit you with my Forbes.

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Chances are your employees interact with only two things: computers and other employees. Well, with all that interaction, one thing can lead to another and next thing you know, you’ve got an office romance on your hands. If you’re lucky, it’s a relationship between a person and a computer, because computers get off on efficiency, so a person-to-computer fling will just involve a lot of hard-work, long hours, and giggly typing.

However, if two people get into an office romance, things can get touchy because they’ll not only distract each other; they’ll distract their coworkers as well. That’s why, as the head of the business, you need to set down some rules to discourage relationships in the workplace. This might seem complicated, but don’t worry! We here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership are specialists in business, love, and refrigerator repair (the last one’s not so important here, but we just wanted to let you know)! So, without further ado, here are some tips for keeping romance out of your office:

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One Day, One Deal

You asked for it, and now we’re giving it to you! Starting today Woot sells nothing but tablets!

You guys wanted this, right? Like, that’s what you were trying to tell us when you posted to the forums and on our Facebook wall saying, “Great, another tablet,” right? You were saying you wanted more of them, correct?

Well, we sure hope so! Because we’ve already cleared out the warehouse and filled it with NOTHING. BUT. TABLETS. And we’re not talking about a whole bunch of different kinds of tablets either. No, it’s all Archos 101 G9 Tablets, all the time! So get ready world! Because it’s a whole new Woot!

And we mean all of Woot! You like Kids.Woot? Well we hope your kids like 10.1” capacitive four point multitouch screens! How about Home.Woot? What, do you think you can’t use a fast ARM Dual-Core CORTEX A9 OMAP4 processor running at 1.5GHz inside your home? Wine.Woot? I taste notes of 8gb storage capacity and Android 3.2 Honeycomb. Sellout? Moofi? Where do you think we’re going to sell the Archos 101 G9 Tablets that we don’t sell on the other sites?

To be clear, Shirt.Woot will still sell shirts. Except, instead of printing them, we’re just going to tape Archos 101 G9 Tablets displaying the day’s design onto blank tee-shirts. Now how expensive does $12 sound, eh?

And if you guys think you’re excited, you should see the looks on the faces of us writers! Because if there’s one kind of product we never run out of ideas for, it’s tablets. To give you just a taste of what you’re in for, take a gander at this hilarious writeup told from the perspective of a high school principal whose high school is actually on a boat:

“Wow, this Archos 101 G9 Tablet really helps me keep my school afloat!”

And that’s actually all we have written so far. But hey, whatever! Newark wasn’t built in a day, right? We’ve all got a lot of work ahead of us, but if we all do our part, we could really make something beautiful here.

So rejoice, Woot community! Today is your day! Today is the day we finally listened and gave you just what you wanted!

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

WELLINGTON (REUTERS) A New Zealand court refused an appeal by the founder of online file-sharing site Megaupload.com to be freed on bail, Friday, agreeing with prosecutors there was a risk he would attempt to flee before an extradition hearing.

The court says the popular site's founder will have to wait until February 22nd for his hearing, unless he purchases a subscription plan, at which point his trial will start immediately and he'll have access to multiple concurrent hearings for up to one year!

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The movie is a thing of mystery

We have set up the Pioneer 5.1 Channel A/V Receiver. Now we wait for it to receive the movie.

The prophets have said that the air is thickest with movies this time of year. At this very moment, they say, we are enveloped in an invisible swirling cloud of actors, plot lines, and special effects. What was that glint? That momentary burst of light? Was it simply light reflecting off a passing car’s windshield? Or was it a buddy cop film starring Bruce Willis and Robert Downey, Jr. attempting to make its way into our world? We may never have known if the prophets had not set up the Pioneer Receiver.

So now we wait. We wait for the Pioneer to catch the movie, to distill it into visuals and present it for us on our television. Yes, there is much that we don’t understand about the process, but we leave these things to the prophets. We hear them occasionally speaking in hushed tones about a DTS-HD Master Audio Decoders microphone that measures every speaker’s connection and notes its size, distance from the listening point, sound levels, and timbre to calibrate and maximize performance specifically for our room. We often eavesdrop when they discuss, amongst themselves, the 4 HDMI inputs or when they speak excitedly of movies that appear in three dimensions.

But we never ask for an explanation of these things because our understanding is not necessary for the Pioneer to receive the movie. We don’t need to know why we must bow down and pray for the holy Netflix envelope’s arrival. Nor must we know why the innocent disk that comes within it must be sacrificed to the hungry machine that is connected to the Pioneer. We must simply do as we’re told.

If we ask the prophets anything it is what they foresee the received movie to be. Sometimes they are presented with a clear vision of what is to come. Other times their view into the future appears to be cloudy, and they’ll speak with uncertainty, saying something such as, “Maybe Bring It On? Or Bring It On Again. Probably gonna be some cheerleaders. We’ll have to check the queue to be sure.”

The queue is another thing the prophets don’t explain.

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The 20th century was lousy with wars, dictatorships, unrest, and anxiety - but how about those books, huh? All that turmoil (plus mass literacy and ever-cheaper printing) made for a spectacular outpouring of literary expression, the depth and variety and power of which dwarfed all that had come before it. Can you identify these eight works published in the 1900's by these details taken from their first edition jackets?

Answers can be found by clicking here. Please post your guesses, speculations, or arguments below! But know this: the Trivial Eye is presented for public amusement and no prizes are offered other than that familiar feeling of aggravation that so much of your mind is occupied by useless trivia.

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We here at Woot like to consider ourselves at the cutting edge of mocking new extreme sports, which is why we were so happy to see the latest craze sweeping the nation: Tazer Ball! Take two teams of four dudes, add a giant novelty soccer ball, throw in eight tasers, and stand way the hell back:

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There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Mud vs. The Wind in terms of Walls
 
Mud may seem like the more viable building substance, but what are you building walls for exactly? To keep out the elements? Well, a wall of wind is a wall made out of the elements. Choosing to build with wind shows mother nature that you do not fear the weather; in fact, you are at peace with it. Mud walls can leak. They can be washed away by a flood. They can collapse under heavy snow. With wind walls you don’t need to worry about any of this, because walls don’t stand. They just blow. Wait, that doesn’t sound right...
 
Advantage:

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