Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

You ever go out for a group bike ride and see one of those fancy-schmancy ultra-light carbon fiber frames laboring under the corpulence of a pudgy cyclist? Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being a pudgy cyclist. Many of us at Woot have been pudgy cyclists for years, and lead happy, fulfilling lives. But what’s the sense in paying piles of money to shave a few ounces off your bike when you’re gonna be carrying thirty extra pounds of gut flab anyway?

We thought of those guys—the hefty riders with the featherweight rides—when we read the Wally LiftMate’s promo copy, which leads off with the self-evidently false claim that “lifting and lowering a bike isn’t easy for anyone.”

This is pretty close to the opposite of true. Bikes just aren’t that heavy. (And in fact, if your bike is especially heavy, you may be out of luck. To use the LiftMate, your bike must weigh under 37 pounds.)

But that doesn’t mean Wally’s LiftMate isn’t still pretty sweet. And there’s no rule that says a task has to be super arduous before you’re allowed to employ technology that makes it easier. Reading a road map’s a cinch, but if you want a GPS navigation aid in your car anyway, we say go for it. And if you want a self-rising bike hanger even though hanging a bike up on regular old screw hooks is not very hard—well, god bless you.

A small part of our brain rejects this particular labor-saver because it’s exercise-related. (If you use the LiftMate to put your bike up after a ride, is that like driving to the gym to walk on their treadmill?) But the main part, the part that buys stuff, that part is just going: “hunh. That’s kind of cool.”

We’re hoping you’ve got that part in your brain, too.

Hi, I’m a coyote. And I’m here to warn you not to buy the Acme Racing NB16T Nitro Stadium R/C Truck.

First of all, this thing is NOT a toy. It runs on gas, that’s real gasoline. That means the four wheel driving system on the 1/16 scale stadium truck will be lots of fun, sure, but is that really what you want? Fun? No! You want to use that fully assembled two speed gearbox and tuned exhaust to catch a roadrunner! And that’s something that an Acme product will never let you do. Why? Who do you think is the major shareholder in Acme? That roadrunner is like the Tony Stark of mail order! He designed everything, and it all works fine… until you try to catch a road runner with it! Then it all backfires! Why trust it? Just take what you’d spend on roadrunner catching and order take out. Trust me. It works much better.

ow many times has this happened to you? You’ve just lit some incense and settled down on your beanbag with your iPod, ready to listen to a sixteen hour raga and meditate yourself to a universal understanding. But then, after just eight hours, your iPod is almost out of a charge! Who can reach Krishna consciousness like that?

The solution is easy. Get a Cellboost IP1 Disposable Battery Charger for iPod. Designed to work with any dock connecting iPod, even the iPhone, you’ll get extra energy to keep that sound coming your way like sweet sweet nectar to the hummingbird of your soul. And you don’t have to use it all at once! Up to 8 hours of extra playtime for your iPod, spaced out over as many songs as you like. How is that possible, you ask? Go on, ask. Oh, please? I’d ask if it were you. Won’t you just ask? Just once? Please? For mother?

So glad you asked how it is possible! As with any battery, the Cellboost IP1 Disposable Battery Charger for iPod holds a certain amount of power that you can take as you need it, saving the rest like a pie in your freezer. But don’t put it in your freezer. I mean, we won’t stop you, you know, after you buy it you can do whatever you want, we just don’t recommend it.

No more frequenting hobo camps asking if anyone has a charger! The Cellboost IP1 Disposable Battery Charger for iPod puts the power in your hands… literally!

The General watched on the radar screen as the missile veered harmlessly away from the rogue satellite. A groan of dismay arose under the fluorescent lights of the control room. With one corner of his mouth twitching like it does whenever he gets mad, the General turned toward the Colonel. “Well, there goes another ten million of taxpayer money,” he spat. “Any more bright ideas? Or are we finally gonna do this right?”

“Sir, with all due respect, I don’t believe Plan MP3 is the most effective option -”

“Fine!” the General roared. A startled hush fell over the room. Underlings tried to pretend like they hadn’t notice the outburst. “So you don’t think we should launch a bunch of low-cost Sandisk Sansa e270 players into space to knock the satellite off course. What exactly is your quarrel with the idea, Captain? And don’t pee on my roast beef and tell me it’s au jus.”

“General, the Sandisk Sansa e270 6GB MP3 Player & FM Tuner is far too valuable to national security to deploy in this manner. Frankly, although it can hold some 1,500 or so songs, it’s more than just a music player. It can also display videos and photos on its 1.8” TFT color screen, receive FM radio, and record radio and voice. These mission-critical functions make it a poor fit for a battering ram.”

The General stared at an invisible horizon somewhere beyond the command center walls. “Well, then, colonel,” he sighed, “suppose you tell me what our other options are, besides twiddling our thumbs waiting for this satellite to turn us all into fajita meat.”

“As it happens, sir, there is another player we could launch in bulk into space. But it might not be, er, politically expedient.” The Colonel paused a moment. Then another moment. Then half of a third moment. Finally: “The iPod Shuffle.”

He waited for the slack-jawed General to upbraid him for his insanity. Instead, the senior officer smiled broadly. “Isn’t that the player with no screen, hardly any controls, and one-sixth the storage space as the Sandisk Sansa e270 6GB MP3 Player?”

“The same.” The idea hung there in the silence. The general spoke.

“Then damn what the fanboys think. Start the countdown.”

We’d like to offer you the Gateway Core Duo 1.6Ghz/2GB/120GB/15.4” Laptop Computer. Why? Because of the strange memo we got just this morning. It seems that our Creative Director has gotten the bright idea that we should be more “accessible”. His idea is that we all could use the built in 1.3 meg integrated webcam and microphone to stream from our desks, so that at any time during the day, you, our loyal customer, could see what we were doing. There’s also a built-in microphone, so you can hear what we’re doing as well, and the 10/100 Ethernet and 802.11 a/b/g Wireless mean that there’s plenty of bandwidth as well.

However, this whole plan hinges on us actually having the Gateway Core Duo 1.6Ghz/2GB/120GB/15.4” Laptop Computers. So we’d like you to have them. Really. Please buy them. There’s a fingerprint sensor, just like the CIA have. And a 120GB 5400 RPM SATA hard drive in each one. Well, not the one Joel trashed in a fit of anger, but we already threw that out. And 2048 MB of 667 MHz DDR2 SDRAM. You like RAM, right? How about the 15.4 inch Ultrabright WXGA TFT display? The ntel Dual-Core processor T2330 1.6 GHz with 1 MB L2 cache/533 MHz FSB?

Look, there’s even an 8X Multi-Format Dual Layer Optical Drive DVDRW with DVD-RAM and Labelflash. There’s even a modem. Please. We’re begging you. We just want to be invisible. Take them. Take them off our hands.

You couldn’t see the sun yet from Coleman Avenue, but sleepy pink and orange clouds told you it was on its way. Private dick Hamilton Beach tiptoed into his brown corduroy flares, careful not to wake the woman he’d met at the Velveteen Club last night. After the long, late evening they’d spent together, he sure could use a cup of coffee before he headed over to break up that drug drop on the East Side. No man wanted to tangle with the Rabbit’s goons with cotton on the brain.

Stepping lightly, Beach moved into the kitchen and peered inside his Hamilton Beach 47535 Brewstation. He couldn’t remember if he’d gotten it ready last night, but he saw now that the coffee was already loaded in a crisp new filter. All he had to do was put his mug under the spout and hit a couple of buttons. Good thing, too – state he was in, that was about all he could manage. The Brewstation took it from there, brewing up a whole pot of coffee that it stored inside its own tank and dispensed one mug at a time, at Beach’s pleasure. He grabbed the newspaper from the front porch, sat at the kitchen table, and unfolded the sports page, enjoying this moment of peace before another uptight day.

But the first sip of coffee killed all that. It was foul, bitter, acrid. Had the Hamilton Beach Brewmaster had somehow screwed up? Must have, he shrugged – then remembered. He definitely hadn’t loaded the coffee into the Brewmaster the night before. Which left only one possibility: his new friend from last night. And judging by the taste, coffee hadn’t been all she’d poured in there.

Yanking his .38 from his boxer shorts, Beach bolted into the bedroom to confront his sweet assassin. The door swung open before him to reveal an empty bed. The window was open. Curtains blew. She was gone. And he was still alive, alive to see the pink clouds turning white.

Dear Woot,

I can’t believe you spoiled the Samsung L74W 7.2MP Black Wide Digital Camera for me right there on your front page. I have worked hard for a long time to avoid knowing the secrets regarding the 28mm wide-angle lens for what seems like years now, and when I read that it had a 7.2 mega-pixel CCD and 3.0” Touch Screen, I almost woke the whole house shouting NOOOOOOOO with eight o’s, just like I wrote. Please keep in mind that, despite your pathetic and unprofessional attempts to be clever about electronics, some of us very much like to discover things for ourselves, and do not want to find out the secrets of the Samsung L74W 7.2MP Black Wide Digital Camera just because we wanted to maybe buy a coffee maker or one of those helicopters. This is your only warning from me.

Yours Lovingly,

Wulfwolfchan007

People always have such high hopes for new technology. What fools! The cars that were supposed to liberate us have turned our cities into empty ghettos surrounded by endless miles of narcoleptic sprawl. TV started off showing stage plays and classical music concerts and ended up with Wife Swap and Cavemen. And the Internet, well, you know all about that one.

So it is with the webcam. The beautiful dream of Jetsons-style video calling has curdled into a nightmare of underage nudity and witless lipsyncing (when in doubt, blame teenagers). It’s a shame that this fine Philips webcam, with its 90 fps refresh rate, 640×480 resolution, and low-light performance down to 1 lux, will be wasted on such inanity. But hey, look at it this way: if you’ve got this webcam, a perky set of breasts, a lack of shame, and a Paypal account, you too can be a professional e-stripper. When a dream dies, you might as well take whatever money you can find in its pockets.

‘Morning, honey! Rise and shine! Wakey-wakey-time! It’s going to be a wonderful day!

I know you’ve got a long day today, so I packed you an extra oatmeal creme pie. Don’t trade it this time! I also made you some flash cards so you can do some last-minute review during the bus ride. Remember to speak up so everyone can hear you! You’ll do great, I know you will.

You’re staying in the city overnight tonight, don’t forget. Here’s thirty dollars. This is for a car ride to the hotel, OK? I don’t want you wasting it on video games. I mean it. If you don’t have to take a car, you should bring this back.

Now, for when you’re at the hotel, I put some comic books in your bag and set up your laptop to play your favorite shows. I used Pinnacle PCTV To Go, so they’ll all be in DVD-comparable quality. You’ll get Nancy Grace, COPS, and all this month’s new episodes of Christina’s Court. And you’ll be able to pause and rewind, in case you’re watching when I call. And I am going to call, so you should be in your room at a reasonable hour.

Now, you’ll be all set for stuff to watch, then, so I don’t want to see any special movie charges on the hotel bill, all right?

Oh, setting up this PCTV To Go was easy—I just connected it to our cable box. It works with a satellite dish, TiVo or other DVR systems, too! Oh—you’ll also be able to watch at the office, if you end up having to stay there late. Anywhere there’s an Internet connection. But don’t stay too late! You need your rest. You know how cranky you get if you’re up too late.

Good luck today, sweetie! Remember: There’s no cuter prosecutor! I tied your tie so you just have to slip it on and tighten it, all right? You’ll look so handsome! You’re going to do great! Don’t forget to smile during your closing. Who’s mommy’s specialest special prosecutor?