Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

You can tell we're geeks because we drink way more soda than we should. I've been locked in a death-dance with the fizzy Jezebel for my entire life. My temptress currently wears the mask of Coke Zero - something about its crisp, ascetic cola flavor speaks to my soul. Plus, it's not sticky when you spill it (no sugar, see?).

But one nagging concern keeps me from fully enjoying my soda jags: what if there's something out there that's even better? What keeps coders and copywriters awake in Bogota, Bangkok, and Birmingham? There's a whole world of canned, bottled, and, for all I know, bagged beverages that I've never dared to explore. Will I find a new, exotic love to excite my palate and share my mini-fridge? I assembled the St. Louis Woot crew to help find out...

Inca Kola
Country of Origin: Peru, but now owned by Coca-Cola.
Color: radioactive cream.
Texture: fizzier than the typical American soda.
Flavor: like bubble-gum - specifically, the cheap, dusty slabs of pink gum you used to get with a pack of baseball cards - but much, much sweeter.
Notes: somewhere between cream soda and a diabetic coma, Inca Kola's effervescent sugar onslaught has made it the top soft drink in Peru for decades. Maybe it's the altitude.
Would we drink it again?: if you're thirsty in Cuzco, you could do a lot worse.

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Believe It Or Whatever

When researchers tracked down these two Omron HJ-002 Step Pedometers years after they’d been adopted by separate families, they were amazed at what they found.

After being raised thousands of miles apart in completely different socio-economic circumstances, the adult twin pedometers were… not really all that much alike. One is a vegan raw-foodist; the other breeds fighting pigs. One believes in the spiritual unity of all mankind; the other one steals clothes from the bins outside Goodwill and re-sells them at huge markups. One likes the Beatles; the other prefers the stones. Not the Rolling Stones, just plain old stones.

Their shared genetic heritage is obvious at first glance – they look exactly alike, especially after the one shaved his mustache. But beyond appearance, just about the only thing they have in common is a strong aptitude for accurately counting your steps. They both feature identical large digital displays. They both sport belt clips and pre-installed batteries. And they both can count up to 99,999 steps.

And yet, upon finally meeting after all those years apart, the twins discovered they had absolutely no interest in each other’s lives. The reunion turned tearful only when one of the twins maced the other during a dispute over the proper way to dispose of a broken compact-fluorescent lightbulb. Don’t put them in the same pocket, is what we’re getting at. Especially if it’s the pocket where you keep your mace.

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Sure, the internet's weird. We get it. You can find just about anything online these days if you look hard enough. But every once in awhile you find something you definitely wouldn't have known to look for even if you wanted to see it.

Like that. Near as we can tell, it's Usavich, a short cartoon series running on MTV Japan about two rabbits killing time…in a Russian Gulag. The comedy is pretty universal, since there are really no spoken words as you follow Kirenenko, Putin, Leningrad, and Komanech through their extended stay in the Russian penal system.

So if it's new to you, enjoy! And if it's not, feel free to attack us in the comments as being tragically behind the curve because you were all about it back when it was underground.

As seen on Reddit.

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There are many monsters in the world. Some of them go out and do terrible monstery things. Some of them just sit alone in little u-shaped basins and don't bother anybody. C'mon, be honest, which one is gonna be easier for you to take out?

Like an angry bouncer at the most exclusive club in town, Paper Cannon offers you a chance to get rid of those irritating monsters while they're just standing around minding their own. "Hey, you!" you'll cry, "Take a hike!" And then some explosive grey cannonballs will make the point again, turning the quiet, motionless monsters into quiet, flying shrapnel. Don't worry, they probably deserved it. Like, they cheated on their taxes or something. Remember, you can't ever trust a monster.

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Momma Said Reverse The Neutron Flow (Momma Said, Momma Said)

“Hi, mom, I’ll be in my room for a while, so don’t come in, okay?”

“Hey, hey, hey, wait a second, kiddo! Where are you going with our Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System?”

“It’s not a Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System, Mom, it’s a time machine! Hello? Don’t you even know what a time machine looks like?”

“Oh, a time machine, is it? So then what exactly would you call these four included electrode pads, designed to block pain signals by interrupting their transmission signals through the nerves?”

“Those are the skin contact points for the quantum steering mechanism, Mom. And these two things that look like two connecting cables are actually the temporal dampers.”

“Uh huh. And what about the storage pouch?”

“That’s just a storage pouch, Mom. Once you finish time traveling you have to put the Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief Time Traveling System somewhere to keep it out of the hands of the locals.”

“Well, I have to admit, you’ve really thought this through. I’m very impressed. I guess you can have your fun. But just have that ‘time machine’ back before your father gets home at six. He’ll want to use the Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System to generate temporary relief for lower back pain generally associated with his sore and aching muscles.”

“Don’t worry, Mom, it’s a time machine, remember? I can do everything I need to do and still be back an instant after I left.”

“Well, I guess that’s true. You’re a pretty smart kid, aren’t you? By the way, where are you going in that little ol’ time machine of yours?”

“To kill President Kennedy.”

“To… to what?”

“Yeah. I mean, don’t worry, it already happened, so you know I’ll get away with it. I’ll be back in time for dinner, I promise.”

“Honey, I don’t want you playing this game.”

“It’s not a game, Mom, it’s history! And more than that, if I don’t go, the entire structure of the universe could collapse! I’ve been reading the encyclopedia, and some people say that the JFK assassination was the gateway to the entire modern geo-political worldview. Kennedy has to die, because he’s always died, and if I don’t pull the trigger, then who will, Mom? Who will?”

“Okay, c’mon, that’s enough of that. I’m taking back this Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System and you’re going to your room.”

“Mom, wait! You can’t fight destiny, Mom! The universe finds a way! Mom! Mom! You have to let me have that Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System!”

“Sorry, honey, this isn’t a game I want you playing any more.”

“Mom, I didn’t want to do this but… if you don’t let me go, right now, when I turn twenty-one, I’ll make a time machine of my own, and send killer robots back to this very second to stop you from stopping me.”

“Killer robots, huh?”

“That’s right, Mom. Now, are you going to give me back that time machine?”

“No, I’m not. Instead, I’m going to put this Sharper Image TENS Back Pain Relief System back in the closet where your father can find it. And then I’m going to stand right here for a few seconds. Because since I know you can’t even remember to clean up your room once a week, I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to remember to send back killer robots a few decades from now. Especially after you discover girls.”

“Girls? Gross! Look, Mom, I’m warning you. This is your last chance before the robots arrive.”

“No dice, kiddo. Off to your room till your father gets home.”

“Okay, Mom. I didn’t want to do this but… but…”

“But what, kiddo? Come on, I haven’t got all day. Make with the robots.”

“I… I… man. I must have forgotten, just like you said. Stupid future me.”

“A mother knows these things, kiddo. A mother knows.”

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Computers today face too much pressure from society.

All the sleek, slim towers in magazines give them complexes.

Honey, not everyone can be a HP 2.2GHz Slimline Computer with Windows 7 Premium! It’s not realistic to have that as your ideal tower image! You’re a beautiful PC already! You don’t need a 6-in-1 memory card reader or 6 USB 2.0 ports!

Oh I am not just saying that because I’m your father! Now look, I get it; sure lots of boys might think they want a SuperMulti DVD Burner with LightScribe, but wait until you’re a little older, honey. They’ll come around. They’ll realize that a larger, full-figured tower is even more beautiful!

Besides, I heard those Slimline girls are refurbs, anyway.

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A Golden Record?

Seriously, NASA, if Earthlings barely listen to LPs anymore, what makes you think Extraterrestrials will?

Don’t get me wrong. It was a genius idea to include a golden record with images and sounds from our fair blue planet encoded in it when you sent Voyager off into space, but times have changed. Unless you expect us to be visited by an armada of interstellar DJs looking to search through our crates of wax for Terran beats, it might be time to update our technological image.

So here’s a thought, why not buy a bunch of Sandisk Sansa Fuze 4GB Media Players, fill them with Earth-type media, and shoot the things off into the inky black unknown. With 4GB of storage space, you’ll be able to store a lot more than 115 images and a few hours of audio. You could even throw on some video that the aliens could watch on the Fuze’s 1.9” color screen. Heck, stick a microSDHC card in the thing, and our eventual overlords would be able to enjoy even more madcap of our madcap songs, photos, and movies. Maybe they would even send us a message back via the built-in voice recorder. If they have voices, of course. Telepathy would be kind of hard to record. Even the colors could be helpful, with Black representing our love of the darkness of space, or Blue to represent the oceans we have here on our planet.

Come on, NASA. You know I’m right. I mean, what would WE think about an alien civilization that sent us all their contact information on 8-track or Betamax. You don’t want us to be the laughing stock of the galaxy, do you?

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You didn't just learn letters, numbers, and the occasional bit of Spanish from Sesame Street. You also learned about rock 'n' roll. Presenting part one of a two-part compilation of our favorite Sesame Street song parodies, from rockabilly to disco. Pop music has never been so educational, nor so furry...

Honk Around The Clock
As we all know, rock 'n' roll was born when R&B was appropriated by the honkies.

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In the upcoming year, our resolution is to get to know our community a little better. What you like, what you dislike, who you are. We've learned from talking to you, there's a lot to enjoy by meeting our community!

Today, though, we've got an interview with forums users LuminousSpecter and socialhazardforhim about how they became engaged on the set of Voyage Of The Dawn Treader wearing shirt.woot shirts.

Don't they look happy? In their honor today, we're planning a little field trip to the shirt.woot blog. Everybody hand in your permission slips and jump on the bus, because today, we're going to enjoy the Ten Questions over there. Remember, hold hands with your buddy!

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How About A Little Bass Response, Scarecrow?

Come closer, my pretty! Let me get a better look at those delightful little ears!

Eee hee hee! What a nice surprise, a pretty girl like you coming to visit me in my lonely castle! Wouldn’t you like to listen to these Wicked Earbuds? They come with three different sizes of cushions for the best possible fit and sound. Attractive to the eye, soothing to the ear… Here, feel the nylon mesh coated cord… that’s right…

I’ve got you! You’re trapped! Eee hee hee! Now I’ll finish you, you accursed brat! Now you’ll pay for killing my sister! Now you’ll sleep! Sleep! Sleeeeeep! And your mangy little-

Hey, that’s rude. I find the term “witch” very offensive and demeaning to my spirituality. We’re called Wiccans. What? What are you laughing about? It’s a legitimate religion!

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