Dirty Business
Who was this hulking silhouette sitting at my desk in the dark? All I could make out was a glint off his bald head, and a smaller, golden glint off his right ear.
Anxious, I switched on the light. Then I got even more anxious. “It’s…it’s you.”
He smiled the famous smile, winked the famous wink. But it had never looked so menacing in the commercials. “You can have my autograph later. I’m here to talk business.”
I’d heard about what he could do to people who refused to play ball. The story of a Cincinnati grocery-store owner flashed through my mind. When the police found the body, the guy’s face was almost totally gone – as if it had been scrubbed off… “I’m sure, uh, we can, uh, work something out. Can I get you a drink?”
“Ammonia on the rocks, with a splash of bleach.”
I hurried to fix the drinks, the tinkling of ice against glass betraying my trembling hand. I wished he’d get to the point. After a langurous sip of his cocktail, he did.
“I understand you’re in the crap business. Remainders, overstocks, that kind of thing.”
“That’s right. The way it works is, every day at midnight a new product goes up on our site, and it’s the only thing for sale-”
He waved a hand to silence me. My God, his hands were huge. And of course, so clean. “Save it for the annual report. I have a proposal that could make us both a lot of money, and do me a favor in the process. See, I have a ton of this Mr. Clean Car Wash System that I can’t move. If you were to take it off my hands, I’d be, let’s say, very grateful. I think it would be in your best interest to make a deal.”
The bushy white eyebrows arched just a little. The piercing blue eyes searched mine, silently asking if the message had been received. I looked away. Yes, message received.
“And your customers’ll love it, believe me,” he went on, idly inspecting the glass in his hand. “The soap has a Dry Rinse Polymer™ that not only gets a car clean, it provides touch-free, spotless drying. The sprayer’s All-Grip Selector Knob is perfect for use by wet, soapy hands. And the included filter changes colors when it needs to be replaced. You’ll do fine with it.”
I wondered why he was bothering trying to sell me on it. We both knew how this would work. He named a price, which was acceptable enough. And then he told me how many unit we would be buying. It took a huge effort to hide my shock. Not that it worked.
“Oh, I know it’s a big quantity. But people tell me you guys move merchandise fast. And if you don’t sell it all in one day, well, you can just keep bringing it back until they all sell out. That’s kinda your thing, right?”
I chuckled a little and nodded. I just wanted him out of my office before I did anything to offend him. The tension was unbearable.
“OK, then. I’ll have my people contact you in the morning. You’re not going to do any dirt on me here, are you? Like backing out of the deal or maybe calling the cops? I wouldn’t if I were you. You know how I hate dirt.”
I did. I knew our users would get sick of seeing this car wash kit on the site so many times over and over, but they couldn’t hurt me. He could. What choice did I have? I stuck out my hand to shake his – and bumped his drink. Horrified, I watched a stain blossom on his immaculate white t-shirt. I felt sick with terror.
But he just laughed. “No big deal. I know how to take care of something like that. Like I said, you’ll be hearing from us tomorrow. Pleasure doing business with you. Stay clean.” And he folded his arms, winked again, and vanished on a wave of blue sparkles. All he left behind was one frightened product buyer… and a faint whiff of lemon.
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