Friday, May 9
by
Wootbot
10:50 AM
Woot

You ever go out for a group bike ride and see one of those
fancy-schmancy ultra-light carbon fiber frames laboring under the
corpulence of a pudgy cyclist? Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being a
pudgy cyclist. Many of us at Woot have been pudgy cyclists for years,
and lead happy, fulfilling lives. But what’s the sense in paying piles
of money to shave a few ounces off your bike when you’re gonna be
carrying thirty extra pounds of gut flab anyway?
We
thought of those guys—the hefty riders with the featherweight
rides—when we read the Wally LiftMate’s promo copy, which leads off
with the self-evidently false claim that “lifting and lowering a bike
isn’t easy for anyone.”
This is pretty close to the opposite of true. Bikes just aren’t that heavy. (And in fact, if your bike is especially heavy, you may be out of luck. To use the LiftMate, your bike must weigh under 37 pounds.)
But
that doesn’t mean Wally’s LiftMate isn’t still pretty sweet. And
there’s no rule that says a task has to be super arduous before you’re
allowed to employ technology that makes it easier. Reading a road map’s
a cinch, but if you want a GPS navigation
aid in your car anyway, we say go for it. And if you want a self-rising
bike hanger even though hanging a bike up on regular old screw hooks is
not very hard—well, god bless you.
A small part of our brain
rejects this particular labor-saver because it’s exercise-related. (If
you use the LiftMate to put your bike up after a ride, is that like
driving to the gym to walk on their treadmill?) But the main part, the
part that buys stuff, that part is just going: “hunh. That’s kind of
cool.”
We’re hoping you’ve got that part in your brain, too.
by
Wootbot
10:43 AM
Woot

Hi, I’m a coyote. And I’m here to warn you not to buy the Acme Racing NB16T Nitro Stadium R/C Truck.
First of all, this thing is NOT a toy.
It runs on gas, that’s real gasoline. That means the four wheel driving
system on the 1/16 scale stadium truck will be lots of fun, sure, but
is that really what you want? Fun? No! You want to use that fully
assembled two speed gearbox and tuned exhaust to catch a roadrunner!
And that’s something that an Acme product will never let you do. Why?
Who do you think is the major shareholder in Acme? That roadrunner is
like the Tony Stark of mail order! He designed everything, and it all
works fine… until you try to catch a road runner with it! Then it all
backfires! Why trust it? Just take what you’d spend on roadrunner
catching and order take out. Trust me. It works much better.
by
Wootbot
8:57 AM
Woot

ow many times has this happened to you? You’ve just lit some
incense and settled down on your beanbag with your iPod, ready to
listen to a sixteen hour raga and meditate yourself to a universal
understanding. But then, after just eight hours, your iPod is almost
out of a charge! Who can reach Krishna consciousness like that?
The solution is easy. Get a Cellboost IP1 Disposable
Battery Charger for iPod. Designed to work with any dock
connecting iPod, even the iPhone, you’ll get extra energy to keep that
sound coming your way like sweet sweet nectar to the hummingbird of
your soul. And you don’t have to use it all at once! Up to 8 hours of
extra playtime for your iPod, spaced out over as many songs as you
like. How is that possible, you ask? Go on, ask. Oh, please? I’d ask if
it were you. Won’t you just ask? Just once? Please? For mother?
So glad you asked how it is possible! As with any battery, the Cellboost IP1 Disposable
Battery Charger for iPod holds a certain amount of power
that you can take as you need it, saving the rest like a pie in your
freezer. But don’t put it in your freezer. I mean, we won’t stop you,
you know, after you buy it you can do whatever you want, we just don’t
recommend it.
No more frequenting hobo camps asking if anyone has a charger! The Cellboost IP1 Disposable Battery Charger for iPod puts the power in your hands… literally!
by
Wootbot
8:45 AM
Woot
Hey, if you buy this, you’ll need to download the manual and the SanDisk Media Converter software.
The General watched on the radar screen as the missile veered
harmlessly away from the rogue satellite. A groan of dismay arose under
the fluorescent lights of the control room. With one corner of his
mouth twitching like it does whenever he gets mad, the General turned
toward the Colonel. “Well, there goes another ten million of taxpayer
money,” he spat. “Any more bright ideas? Or are we finally gonna do
this right?”
“Sir, with all due respect, I don’t believe Plan MP3 is the most effective option -”
“Fine!”
the General roared. A startled hush fell over the room. Underlings
tried to pretend like they hadn’t notice the outburst. “So you don’t
think we should launch a bunch of low-cost Sandisk Sansa e270 players
into space to knock the satellite off course. What exactly is your
quarrel with the idea, Captain? And don’t pee on my roast beef and tell
me it’s au jus.”
“General, the Sandisk Sansa e270 6GB MP3 Player & FM Tuner
is far too valuable to national security to deploy in this manner.
Frankly, although it can hold some 1,500 or so songs, it’s more than
just a music player. It can also display videos and photos on its 1.8” TFT
color screen, receive FM radio, and record radio and voice. These
mission-critical functions make it a poor fit for a battering ram.”
The
General stared at an invisible horizon somewhere beyond the command
center walls. “Well, then, colonel,” he sighed, “suppose you tell me
what our other options are, besides twiddling our thumbs waiting for
this satellite to turn us all into fajita meat.”
“As it
happens, sir, there is another player we could launch in bulk into
space. But it might not be, er, politically expedient.” The Colonel
paused a moment. Then another moment. Then half of a third moment.
Finally: “The iPod Shuffle.”
He waited for the slack-jawed
General to upbraid him for his insanity. Instead, the senior officer
smiled broadly. “Isn’t that the player with no screen, hardly any
controls, and one-sixth the storage space as the Sandisk Sansa e270 6GB
MP3 Player?”
“The same.” The idea hung there in the silence. The general spoke.
“Then damn what the fanboys think. Start the countdown.”
by
Wootbot
8:39 AM
Woot

We’d like to offer you the Gateway Core Duo 1.6Ghz/2GB/120GB/15.4”
Laptop Computer. Why? Because of the strange memo we got just this
morning. It seems that our Creative Director has gotten the bright idea
that we should be more “accessible”. His idea is that we all could use
the built in 1.3 meg integrated webcam and microphone to stream from
our desks, so that at any time during the day, you, our loyal customer,
could see what we were doing. There’s also a built-in microphone, so
you can hear what we’re doing as well, and the 10/100 Ethernet and
802.11 a/b/g Wireless mean that there’s plenty of bandwidth as well.
However,
this whole plan hinges on us actually having the Gateway Core Duo
1.6Ghz/2GB/120GB/15.4” Laptop Computers. So we’d like you to have them.
Really. Please buy them. There’s a fingerprint sensor, just like the CIA have. And a 120GB 5400 RPM SATA
hard drive in each one. Well, not the one Joel trashed in a fit of
anger, but we already threw that out. And 2048 MB of 667 MHz DDR2 SDRAM. You like RAM, right? How about the 15.4 inch Ultrabright WXGA TFT display? The ntel Dual-Core processor T2330 1.6 GHz with 1 MB L2 cache/533 MHz FSB?
Look, there’s even an 8X Multi-Format Dual Layer Optical Drive DVDRW with DVD-RAM
and Labelflash. There’s even a modem. Please. We’re begging you. We
just want to be invisible. Take them. Take them off our hands.
by
Wootbot
8:25 AM
Woot

You couldn’t see the sun yet from Coleman Avenue, but sleepy pink
and orange clouds told you it was on its way. Private dick Hamilton
Beach tiptoed into his brown corduroy flares, careful not to wake the
woman he’d met at the Velveteen Club last night. After the long, late
evening they’d spent together, he sure could use a cup of coffee before
he headed over to break up that drug drop on the East Side. No man
wanted to tangle with the Rabbit’s goons with cotton on the brain.
Stepping
lightly, Beach moved into the kitchen and peered inside his Hamilton
Beach 47535 Brewstation. He couldn’t remember if he’d gotten it ready
last night, but he saw now that the coffee was already loaded in a
crisp new filter. All he had to do was put his mug under the spout and
hit a couple of buttons. Good thing, too – state he was in, that was
about all he could manage. The Brewstation took it from there, brewing
up a whole pot of coffee that it stored inside its own tank and
dispensed one mug at a time, at Beach’s pleasure. He grabbed the
newspaper from the front porch, sat at the kitchen table, and unfolded
the sports page, enjoying this moment of peace before another uptight
day.
But the first sip of coffee killed all that. It was
foul, bitter, acrid. Had the Hamilton Beach Brewmaster had somehow
screwed up? Must have, he shrugged – then remembered. He definitely
hadn’t loaded the coffee into the Brewmaster the night before. Which
left only one possibility: his new friend from last night. And judging
by the taste, coffee hadn’t been all she’d poured in there.
Yanking
his .38 from his boxer shorts, Beach bolted into the bedroom to
confront his sweet assassin. The door swung open before him to reveal
an empty bed. The window was open. Curtains blew. She was gone. And he
was still alive, alive to see the pink clouds turning white.
by
Wootbot
8:16 AM
Woot

Consider the strange voyage of the Scandinavians. Born with a gift for
pillaging, plundering, and bad-ass helmets, at some point they
collectively decided to settle down into a quiet life of modernist
design and social democracy. We don’t know how the Skagen 342XLTLM
Leather Banded Men’s Watch feels about single-payer health care. But
any Tom, Dick, or Olaf can see that it’s got the well-composed,
well-balanced you’d expect in a Danish watch. A slender case, a
tasteful leather band, an unfussy but attractive dial – this watch is
so polite, it’s even hypoallergenic. We don’t know why the Danes, the
Swedes, and the Norwegians gave up the ransacking life, but this watch
makes us glad they did.
by
Wootbot
6:56 AM
Woot

Dear Woot,
I can’t believe you spoiled the Samsung L74W 7.2MP
Black Wide Digital Camera for me right there on your front page. I have
worked hard for a long time to avoid knowing the secrets regarding the
28mm wide-angle lens for what seems like years now, and when I read
that it had a 7.2 mega-pixel CCD and 3.0” Touch Screen, I almost woke the whole house shouting NOOOOOOOO
with eight o’s, just like I wrote. Please keep in mind that, despite
your pathetic and unprofessional attempts to be clever about
electronics, some of us very much like to discover things for
ourselves, and do not want to find out the secrets of the Samsung L74W 7.2MP
Black Wide Digital Camera just because we wanted to maybe buy a coffee
maker or one of those helicopters. This is your only warning from me.
Yours Lovingly,
Wulfwolfchan007
by
Wootbot
6:54 AM
Woot

People always have such high hopes for new technology. What fools!
The cars that were supposed to liberate us have turned our cities into
empty ghettos surrounded by endless miles of narcoleptic sprawl. TV
started off showing stage plays and classical music concerts and ended
up with Wife Swap and Cavemen. And the Internet, well, you know all about that one.
So
it is with the webcam. The beautiful dream of Jetsons-style video
calling has curdled into a nightmare of underage nudity and witless
lipsyncing (when in doubt, blame teenagers). It’s a shame that this
fine Philips webcam, with its 90 fps refresh rate, 640×480 resolution,
and low-light performance down to 1 lux, will be wasted on such
inanity. But hey, look at it this way: if you’ve got this webcam, a
perky set of breasts, a lack of shame, and a Paypal account, you too
can be a professional e-stripper. When a dream dies, you might as well
take whatever money you can find in its pockets.
by
Wootbot
6:46 AM
Woot

‘Morning, honey! Rise and shine! Wakey-wakey-time! It’s going to be a wonderful day!
I
know you’ve got a long day today, so I packed you an extra oatmeal
creme pie. Don’t trade it this time! I also made you some flash cards
so you can do some last-minute review during the bus ride. Remember to
speak up so everyone can hear you! You’ll do great, I know you will.
You’re
staying in the city overnight tonight, don’t forget. Here’s thirty
dollars. This is for a car ride to the hotel, OK? I don’t want you
wasting it on video games. I mean it. If you don’t have to take a car,
you should bring this back.
Now, for when you’re at the
hotel, I put some comic books in your bag and set up your laptop to
play your favorite shows. I used Pinnacle PCTV To Go, so they’ll all be in DVD-comparable quality. You’ll get Nancy Grace, COPS,
and all this month’s new episodes of Christina’s Court. And you’ll be
able to pause and rewind, in case you’re watching when I call. And I am
going to call, so you should be in your room at a reasonable hour.
Now, you’ll be all set for stuff to watch, then, so I don’t want to see any special movie charges on the hotel bill, all right?
Oh, setting up this PCTV To Go was easy—I just connected it to our cable box. It works with a satellite dish, TiVo or other DVR
systems, too! Oh—you’ll also be able to watch at the office, if you end
up having to stay there late. Anywhere there’s an Internet connection.
But don’t stay too late! You need your rest. You know how cranky you
get if you’re up too late.
Good luck today, sweetie!
Remember: There’s no cuter prosecutor! I tied your tie so you just have
to slip it on and tighten it, all right? You’ll look so handsome!
You’re going to do great! Don’t forget to smile during your closing.
Who’s mommy’s specialest special prosecutor?
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