Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

Mr. Dwight, I am so so sorry about this

Song writing and musical talent not included

Gotta a little bit of money? Wanna record your voice?
Well, the Music Producer Mic is quite a nice choice
With a library of sound loops you can record all your jams
It captures quality vocals with its large diaphram

Maybe you’re a DJ beat-matching MP3s
And a great two-channel mixer is just what you need
With crossfader, three effects, and a 3-band EQ,
We’ve got this great Torq Mixlab and this one’s for you

Then you can tell everybody
That you wrote a song
It might sound like geese being strangled but
Maybe once it is done
You’ll put it online
You’ll put it online
Maybe get wealth and fame
Or just be a target for ‘net trolls to flame

This 49 Note Keyboard from Session KeyStudio
Has everything you need to play and record a synth-rock show
A huge instrument library and works seemlessly
With most music software whether Mac or PC

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
But you see there’s something that we need to tell you
Anyway
The thing is
What I really mean
You’ll only get one per purchase unless you buy all three

‘Cause Woot’s only selling these
Sep-er-ate-ly
So if you want the whole set you’ll have to be
In it for three
We hope you don’t mind
It’s still a great buy
That we’ve put up on Woot
Start being a musician and give your day job the boot

We hope you don’t mind
It’s still a great buy
That we’ve put up on Woot
Start being a musician and give your day job the boot

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Yes, you heard right, there is a Berenstain Bears movie in the works, and while it’s early to speculate, we can all start hoping the casting directors get things right! The word on the street is it will be a mix of live action and CGI, but since we’ve got ‘til 2011 before this thing is expected to launch, who do you think would make a perfect fit for arguably the most lovable and culturally relevant children’s book characters of this generation? Here are our picks:

Director: Sure, Shawn Levy (Night at the Museum) has signed on, but there’s still plenty of time to find a real director and not just some clown who’s going to throw a CGI Tyrannosaurus skeleton on a pile of crap and call it a day. We need someone visionary to really capture the essence of the Bears. Someone who can break new ground while keeping faithful to the bountiful source material. Of course I’m talking Zack Snyder.

Papa: All you need to do is read his bio at berenstainbears.com: “He is a woodsbear and rough carpenter – very rough.” This guy’s pure steel, hardened and grizzled by the harsh realities of an unflinching world around him. Yeah, he loves his family; part of that love comes from the desire to protect them from the horrors he saw, possibly in Bear Vietnam. After his victorious turn in The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke’s got this one locked up.

Mama: “Warm, wise, and witty” according to the source bio. Mama Bear is the perfect homemaker and loving mother to Brother and Sister, so we’ll need someone maternal and nurturing. At the same time, it’s 2009 and not even a kid’s movie makes it out the door without a little sex appeal, so she’s got to be hot. Maybe consider “updating” her name from Mama Bear to MILF Bear. You know what? Stick with Mama Bear, but get Vivica A. Fox on the phone right now.

Brother: He’s a natural athlete and a soccer aficionado, but at the same time he’s got a geeky side he indulges by studying dinosaurs and looking at bugs. It’s going to take a nuanced actor to walk the tightrope on this role, and that challenge is made even more daunting by the fact that we’ll need a younger actor. So screw it. They’re already using CGI; if Peter Jackson can use it to shrink Elijah Wood into a hobbit then we can use it to shrink Robert Pattinson down to Brother Bear size. Bonus: we just locked up the teenage girl demographic!

Sister: “She’s all girl, but sometimes just one of the guys.” Yeah, Jessica Alba really helps our ethnic quotient here, but Megan Fox is the it girl for another three and a half minutes, tops. We’ve got to capitalize if we’re going to take this thing to the top. And by top I mean minimum three sequels and extensive merchandising deals with Burger King and Wal-Mart.

As Yet Unnamed Villain:

I know what you’re thinking: the Berenstain Bears never had a foil other than their own sloth, greed, or ignorance. Well, that kind of morality play just doesn’t fly in American cinema today, and they’re going to need someone trying to ruin their day if this thing is going to get off the ground. I’m proposing Alan Rickman, mainly for that creepy voice and the fact that Jeremy Irons is just a little too expensive.

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We’ll admit, freely, that we found this thanks to Telegraph.co.uk. But we’re happy to admit that, because we had no idea a flash version of Doom even existed! So the second we learned of it, we knew we had to rush here and share it with all of you. After all, nobody reads British websites. They still spell color with a u!

But now that we know about this flash-based version of Doom, we might just have to pay a bit more attention to that uppity little island. Because this one really takes us back to the glorious childhood days when we didn’t have a care in the world and two floppy discs seemed like a lot. PS if you forgot: IDDQD.

(Oh, yeah, that same link also lets you play Hexen and Heretic too, if that’s your thing. Enjoy!)

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No, I know, you can’t live in the past.

Nonetheless, I’m re-evaluating some of my recent decisions.

Sometimes you have to just sit down and think over the things you’ve done, and the choices you’ve made, and try to figure if maybe you could have made some smarter decisions. That’s how you learn, you know? It’s how you grow. It’s part of being a man.

So I’m doing a little post-game analysis on this past week or so. Because I feel like I might be in a better situation now if I’d played things a little differently. And I want to take responsibility for that.

OK, first, though, I do NOT regret my decision to file a grievance with HR over Stacie’s repeated disparaging remarks about professional wrestling. It may have seemed “trivial” to them, but when she calls it “fake,” she’s insulting my beliefs, and that shouldn’t be tolerated in the workplace. I’m glad I took a stand on that.

Neither would I take a do-over on Monday night’s dinner out. The food was delicious, the prices were affordable, and there’s no way to know for sure my, uh, shall-we-say “slight gastrointestinal malfunction” was definitely caused by Chef Cletus’s scrumptious crab-slaw buffet.

Also, I feel like buying this Famous Maker 23” 1080p LCD Monitor was a solid decision. No regrets there, definitely. That native 1920×1080 resolution and HDMI input make it a great little TV, if I want to hook it up to my receiver; otherwise, it’s a pretty sharp VGA computer monitor. The plug-and-play setup certainly couldn’t be much easier. Now I’m enjoying my online life like I never have before – even reading my email is somehow more fun.

Or anyway reading my email, if anyone ever sent me any. But no one has for several days now, not friends, not family, not co-workers, no one. Which brings me to the one recent decision I think I would make differently, given the chance:

In retrospect, “Sexy Dora The Explorer” was a poor choice of Halloween costume.

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From time to time, there are some things that we wonder about. Sometimes we make posts not knowing if they'll be appreciated or hated. We keep looking back at the comments, trying to judge what people want in a terribly codependent fashion. And then there are a few things that we just know on sight that our readers will enjoy. This is one of those times.

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So yesterday, we had a little review of exciting Twitter accounts. And everyone seemed to have a good laugh! Except for one visitor. One visitor that we overlooked. One visitor that clearly felt left out. A poor little droid that only ever wanted to be loved.

So we apologize, @R2D2. We didn’t overlook you on purpose. The truth is we love you more than sand. Thanks for letting us know that you were out there. And may the Force be with you.

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Give ‘Em The Ol’ Hotfoot

“Hurry! Hurry! If we don’t act fast, I might lose the pinky toe!”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“My foot! Frostbite is setting in, I can feel it! Where’s the Vornado Soleaire Personal Foot Heater?”

“It’s in the bathroom closet, but… frostbite? It’s like 45 degrees outside. And you were only out for, what, 10 minutes? How long does it take to fold up the patio umbrella and stack up the chairs?”

“Long enough for my foot to get really, really cold! Only the Soleaire’s revitalizing warmth and passive-massage bumps can possibly save that pinky toe! The situation is critical!”

“Here it is. But I think you’re overreacting again. It’s like that time you thought you got a concussion from ‘walking too hard.’ Or when you were convinced that glob of spaghetti sauce on your arm was melanoma.”

“Will you ever let me live that down? A few thousand dollars in unnecessary radiology procedures and I’m branded a hypochondriac for life. Ahhh, that Vornado Soleaire Personal Foot Heater seems to be doing the trick. The feeling’s coming back in that toe. I don’t want to start celebrating yet, but it looks like amputation won’t be necessary.”

“What a miracle. So did you put the umbrella in the garage or the basem-”

“AAAGHHH! Ow! Help! Help!”

“What? What’s wrong? Is it your foot again?”

“Yes! I burned it on that Vornado Soleaire Personal Foot Heater! Like, fourth or fifth-degree burns, I bet! If I don’t get medical attention I might lose the pinky toe!”

“Sigh…I’m thinking about losing something myself.”

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There are plenty of useful Twitter feeds that everyone everywhere can enjoy, such as @PizzaHut or @Marvel or @Woot or, even, you know, the often unnoticed @WootBlog. And, naturally, you can find lots of useful area-specific Twitterers all over the country, from @CupcakeStop in New York to @KogiBBQ in Los Angeles. From macro to micro, Twitter is becoming a very useful and legitimate Internet tool.

But, really. What good is @SubwayFreshbuzz when you’re pretending to be working? Can those marketing feeds help the average Joe or Josephine kill some time during a long day? No, they can’t! Except for the often unnoticed @WootBlog. Hey, we’re just saying.

Anyway, with that in mind, we did a little sleuthing and assembled a list of some cute Twitter feeds that will help you in the very place you need it most: your desk at work. We've collected them in this Twitter list, and we explain why below...

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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia (UPI)—A 35-mile-long rift in the desert of Ethiopia could rip open, creating a new sea in just days, scientists say.

The scientists went on to say that they had a GREAT DEAL OF MONEY to move before this happened, and the testimonial of A DEAR FRIEND convinced them that YOU ARE A TRUSTWORTHY SOUL willing to HELP THEM IN THEIR HOUR OF NEED in exchange for A PERCENTAGE OF THE INVESTMENT.

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You're locked in a room. You see the door leading out, like so many others in so many other locked-room video games. It isn't even hard to reach. But you discover there's really only one way out of here: to hurl yourself onto giant spikes, or let something heavy crush you, or commit suicide in some other spectacularly gory way. That's the premise of Karoshi: Suicide Salaryman and its sequel Super Karoshi, where you can only beat each level by killing off your poor little guy and any other little guys with the misfortune to be in the vicinity. Designer Jesse Venbrux has hidden plenty of clever surprises in both games - when you seem to have reached the end, don't take the game's word for it.

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