Woot : One Day, One Deal (SM)

TEOTWAWKI

I didn’t know he was saying “Leonard Bernstein” until I looked it up.

Ralphie! Hey, how’s it going? What do you mean, “Why are you not at work?” What are YOU doing at work? Oh, “your job”. Gee, that’s clever. We’ll see how far clever gets you when your molecules are obliterated into nothing.

No, I’m not coming in! I quit that gig yesterday. Why would I want to spend my last day of existence doing clerical work? Don’t you know? They’re finally firing up the Large Hard… excuse me, HADRON Collider today. They’re gonna start attempting to make black holes any minute now and, if my extensive knowledge of sci-fi fiction and cinema tell me anything, WE ARE DOOMED, my friend. So, I’m gonna sit on my porch, drink this fancy red wine that makes me break out in hives, and listen to my iPhone with this LG Stereo Bluetooth Headset while I wait for the coming darkness to engulf us all.

You know, if I have one regret, it’s that I didn’t buy this headset sooner. I’m getting great sound from the Bluetooth 2.0 support and the switching between music and a phone call is virtually seamless. Pretty decent battery life, too, with plenty of talk and standby time. I’d tell you to buy a set, but… well, you know.

One last thing with the world ending and all, I should probably go ahead and tell you that I was the one that knocked up your sister. Good thing the world’s ending, huh? There was no way I was gonna dodge THAT bullet, otherwise. Glad I got that off my chest, though. Best to go out without any unnecessary baggage.

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There's no timer in Shapely; take as long as you need to assemble the colored squares into the required Tetrissy shapes. But... every time you move a square, more pop up. Sometimes you can use this to your advantage. But... sometimes it spells doom, since you lose when the whole grid fills up. But... if you've earned enough points, you can buy various spells to alter the board. But... spells are expensive, so you can't rely on them every time you're in a jam. Shapely seems super-simple at first. But... enough buts. Just play it.

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Intel says that in 10 years you're going to be surfing the web with no hands, which I guess is an improvement from one hand, but I wonder if controlling your web browser with brainwaves is really going to be an improvement.

For one thing, do you want your brain inextricably linked to Internet Explorer? Sure, you say you're better than IE, but someone out there will be using it, which means their brainpan is going to be vulnerable to virus attack, which means their Outlook address book is going to be used for some heinous spamming. And you don't want to imagine what a Denial of Service attack looks like when actual zombified people are used.

Clearing your cache, deleting cookies, and hiding your online information from loved ones is going to be a lot more intense, too. Now not only do you have to minimize the window when your wife walks in, but you have to hide the grand mal seizure that occurs as you delete 64 days' worth of browsing history.

Cell phones present another tricky question, mainly because every time my phone rings I think, "I should answer that. But I really don't want to talk to that jerk." Even supposing it's not my mom calling, how will my phone recognize the difference between the feeling that I should answer, but the impulse that I don't want to answer?

How are everyday applications going to run from your skull? Try using "one-click shopping" on any retail site when as soon as you think about it you've purchased whatever the hell you're looking at. People will be bankrupted within two hours of turning on their computers.

And we haven't even mentioned the massive stroke you'll surely suffer when the Woot servers go down during a Bag o' Crap.

Photo: No Brain by Flickr user Pierre-Olivier, used under a Creative Commons License.

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You've seen the worst, now what about the best? After forcing you to deal with our horrible theme song posts, we've decided to compile a collection looking at the good side of cartoon music! During our research, we found an easy way to tell the good from the bad (as you'll see after the jump). What's the secret? Narration!

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Can you tell your steak restaurants from your meat markets? Steak House or Gay Bar? gives you the name of a real establishment and you have to guess which kind it is. I only scored 36%, which I guess isn't bad for a heterosexual vegetarian.

(Thanks, FipiLele!)

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MyVu, Right or Wrong

Ladies and gentlemen of the committee, distinguished legislators, and terrorist pawns: the bill before you today is, to put it mildly, worse than slavery and nuclear war combined.

The American Video Goggle Council of America, whom I represent, is deeply concerned about the intrusion of big government into the freedoms we hold dear. Foremost among those freedoms is the right to watch the videos we want to watch, on the devices we choose. It’s what John Wayne went to war to protect. I don’t think any of us want to answer to John Wayne in the afterlife.

Banning the use of the MyVu Solo Plus EV Media Viewer while driving is tantamount to declaring war on our way of life. I implore you, don’t let public policy be dictated by the hysteria of the anti-freedom cabal. They wildly claim that using the innocent MyVu Solo Plus EV Media Viewer while operating a motor vehicle would somehow endanger the public safety. That’s clearly preposterous. Its 320×240 resolution image and patented SolidOptex® technology still allow the user a significant portion of his or her peripheral vision – up to several percent, according to the most reputable researchers that we’ve been able to bribe.

Do you have any idea how many iPods and iPhones have been sold in the United States? Do you have any idea how many people enjoying watching videos of some kind? Clearly, the American people have spoken. MyVu has responded by including an Apple-certified iPod/iPhone conversion cable, and standard A/V cables for other portable devices and gaming systems. How will this committee respond to the voice of the public? Please don’t twist those conversion cables into a noose around Lady Liberty’s neck.

I can testify personally that the MyVu Solo Plus EV Media Viewer does not interfere with anyone’s ability to conduct routine activities. How do I know? Because I’m watching Red Dawn on mine right now. I don’t think I need to remind the committee who won that one, do I? In closing, thank you for your time and your willingness to hear from the American Video Goggle Council of America. Wolverines!

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Good things happen at the end of rainbows.

Pots of gold and equal rights marriages, mostly.

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Monkeys fly,
Wearing silly little capes
That bring tears to my eye

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Deals come on Woot
And the deals that you dare to buy
Fill your house with loot

Someday I’ll buy a flying monkey
And I’ll shoot it at the flunky
Behind me
At my computer where I scoff,
Another winding down Woot Off
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Monkeys fly,
Wearing silly little capes
Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little monkeys fly
Wearing rainbows
Why, oh why can’t I?

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And If You Order In the Next 30 Minutes

“Yes, ladies and gentlemen, with the Back to Basics Nut Roaster, you can enjoy fresh glazed nuts in just ten minutes!”

“Steve? Steve, what are you doing up? It’s 3 AM.”

“I’m just showing the folks at home how the incredible Back to Basics Nut Roaster delivers all the great taste and nutrition of hot, roasted nuts – right on the stove-top!”

“Who? What folks? You’re alone.”

“That just means more roasted nuts for me! I’m talking almonds. I’m talking cashews. I’m talking walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts – the Back to Basics Nut Roaster does it all!”

“Steve, come back to bed.”

“The secret is the heavyweight, non-stick roasting pan. It conducts heat evenly, for a nice, thorough roast without scorching the nut-flesh.”

“Nut-flesh? Steve, I think you’re sleepwalking or crazy or something.”

“If it’s crazy to love the Back to Basics Nut Roaster, I don’t want to be sane! Here’s how to order.”

“Wait a minute. I see. I see. Steve, honey, I’m sorry, and I know it’s been hard on you, but we both know we can’t afford to get the cable turned back on.”

“I… I… I just miss it so much.”

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Look It Up If You Don’t Believe Us

He was like the perfect storm of electable.

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Gee, that is an awfully large tub of petroleum jelly.

And, might I add, the blue in those latex gloves really brings out the color in your eyes.

I’m telling you, I just made a simple misTAke. I did everything I was supposed to. I took off my shoes, and put all the metal in my pockets in the stupid baAAAAsket. I just didn’t even think about it when I told the TSA security guy that my laptop bag had a Razer in YEEEEEEOOOOWW. Couldn’t you be a little easier back there? I think that was my spleen you just poked.

You’re going back for more? Couldn’t you at least maybe warm that stuff up first?

Listen to me, the “Razor” you are so GENtly looking for is a Razer Pro Click Mobile mouse. The one that was actually in my laptop bag like I saaAAAAID it was? It’s awesome for traveling with it’s small size and portaaAaability. It’s comfortable to use, has a long battery life, Bluetooth 2.0 with adaptive frequency hopping and I am pretty sure it is not EEKhidingbehindmyLIVER, officer.

Phew. Is that it? Are we done here? No, I understand you’re just doing your job. You do good work. I’ve never had my lungs tickled before, and now I can say I have.

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