Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
PACIFIC PALISADES, Calif. (UPI) -- Peter Graves, the star of TV's "Mission Impossible" and the movie spoof "Airplane!" died of a heart attack in California, his business manager said.
He will be remembered as the rich man's Leslie Nielsen.
IRON RIDGE, Wis. (UPI) -- Carol Jensen, a Wisconsin artist, decided all creatures need a winter pastime, including her horse, so she taught it how to paint.
Now the horse is smoking clove cigarettes and preparing for a move to a small studio apartment in Brooklyn.
OKLAHOMA CITY (UPI) -- Authorities in Oklahoma said a man who crashed into a parking lot walked into a jail and offered a stick he called the "last tree in the universe" as payment.
The man was immediately taken into custody for hunting a Lorax without a license.
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York plastic surgeon's high score on classic video game "Donkey Kong" has been certified as a world record by the official electronic game scorekeeper.
However police have been keeping hom in protective custody since Monday, when the champion awoke to find a broken bottle of hot sauce on his pillow.
SOMERTON, Ariz. (UPI) -- Officials in an Arizona town said pictures, a VHS tape and a magazine were retrieved from a time capsule buried in 1985, but a bottle of brandy was missing.
Officials are sad because they had once considered what a good wife she would have been, if their life, their love and their lady had not already been the sea.
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. (UPI) -- Humans and an ancient group of sea creatures known as hydras share a gene that aids in vision, scientists in California said.
Experts say that the gene for growing extra heads has not yet been isolated.
DAYTON, Ohio (UPI) -- Police in Ohio said alcohol may have been involved in a "Dukes of Hazzard"-style crash that ended with a truck impaled nose-down on a pair of mailboxes.
Waylon Jennings was unavailable for comment before the fade out.
