An Emergency Open Letter
To all Woot customers:
I have received more than three
emails from Zune buyers who are upset about Woot dropping the price of
the Zune by $20 one month after it went on sale the first time. After
reading every one of these emails, or at least scanning their subject
lines, I have some observations and conclusions.
First, I need to make a better effort to hide my email address.
Second,
I am sure that we are making the correct decision to lower the price of
the 30GB Zune from $149.99 to $129.99. This confidence is based on more
than the holy doctrine of corporate infallibility. The Zune is a
breakthrough product, and we have the chance to “ride the lightning”
and “shoot the curl” this holiday season, not to mention “kill the
messenger” and “rock the vote”, further enabling us to “pay the rent”
and “keep the lights on”. It benefits both Woot and every Zune user
(but especially Woot) to drag as many new victims as possible into the
Zune “dungeon”. We strongly believe that misery loves company this
holiday season.
Third, being in technology for 1+ years,
give or take a year, I can attest to the fact that the technology road
is bumpy. There is always some idiot changing lanes without signaling,
and the potholes never seem to get fixed. If you always wait for the
next price cut or to buy the new improved model, you’ll never buy any
technology product. I mean, why should you? Truth is, you don’t really
need any of this junk. We’re afraid you’ll catch on to that fact and
overpaid frauds like me will have to go back into fields like
telemarketing and burrito construction. Fortunately, most of you
continue to languish in a consumerist stupor, wallets spread wide for
us to plunder as we please. The bad news for us is that if you buy
products from companies that support them well, you will receive years
of useful and satisfying service. But we’re hoping you’ll buy from Woot instead.
Third-and-a-half,
even though we are making the right decision to lower the price of the
Zune, and even though the technology road is, like, this total Deathrace 2000-type
scene, we need to do a better job taking care of our early Zune
customers, at least until we find a private security firm we can
afford. For some reason, our early customers trusted us. We must live
up to that trust with our actions in moments like these, lest you turn
off the money spigot that maintains our decadent lifestyles. These
peacock-egg omelets and mink-lined Jacuzzis don’t pay for themselves,
you know.
Therefore, we have decided to offer every Woot
customer who purchased a Zune from us on August 22, 2007 (or in the last Woot-Off) a $10 Woot
credit towards any Woot order of $40 or more, before shipping.
If that’s you, just enter the coupon code BUMPYROAD
while making your purchase, and boo-yah: you’re mayor of Discount City.
This discount applies to any Woot site, including Woot.com, Shirt.Woot,
Wine.Woot, Sellout.Woot, and Beets.Woot. It doesn't expire, so feel free to check back everyday 'til you find something that will temporarily fill the void in your soul. You may use the coupon as many
times as you bought Zunes. So, if you bought one Zune from us back in
August, you can use BUMPYROAD once; if you
bought two, you can use it twice; and so forth and so on and
what-have-you. But you can only use the discount once on any one order.
We make this decision with every confidence that most of you will never
want any of the crap we sell anyway.
We want to convincingly
pretend to do the right thing for our valued Zune customers. We’d
apologize for disappointing some of you, but we long ago lost the
capacity for sincere remorse. We will continue to do our best to trick
you into having high expectations of Woot.
Larry Stalin
Woot CYA Officer
