Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
CHICAGO (AP)—An
apparent malfunction in the heating and cooling system of a pool killed
16 stingrays at a suburban Chicago zoo, officials said.
Long
familiar with the protocol of revenge, Chicago officials wonder
privately if this is the next step in the escalating war that
began with the death of Steve Irwin.
LOS ANGELES (AP)—The Who was celebrated at a special concert by a few bands outside of their generation.
Concertgoers reported that people tried to put the band down.
WISCONSIN RAPIDS,
Wis. (AP)—Wood County authorities said an Oklahoma man piloting a
crop-dusting helicopter crashed after a bee got sucked into the cockpit
and stung him.
Cockpit recordings include a tiny buzzing voice yelling “Who can’t scientifically fly now? Who can’t scientifically fly now?”
MOSCOW (AP)—Russia
says it has forgiven Tajikistan’s debt in exchange for ownership of a
space-tracking station in the former Soviet republic.
So far the Tajik station has determined definitively that space is “up there”.
WASHINGTON (AP)—Faced
with an epidemic of cancer that cuts their lives short, Tasmanian
devils have begun breeding at younger ages, according to researchers at
the University of Tasmania in Australia.
Researchers also blamed video games, rap music, and violence in cartoons.
NEW YORK (UPI)—Gas station owners in New York say they are running short on 4s now that pump prices are hovering around $4.40 per gallon.
Speculators
rushed to invest early, causing a global shortage predicted to effect
everything from Mula 1 Racing to the famous Bes Magazine, with a chance
that the crisis could impact the nation’s gold reserves at T Knox.
ATLANTA (UPI)—An
Atlanta laboratory holding several potentially harmful germs, including
a fatal strain of avian flu, lost power for at least an hour, officials
said.
The laboratory was returned to power once a
controversial treaty with the germs was completed. The germs will
continue on as head of state while the laboratory will make most of the
governmental decisions.
SYDNEY, Australia (AP)—A 108-year-old
Australian woman who was promoted as the world’s oldest blogger has
died two weeks after making her last post about “singing a happy song,”
her great-grand son and her online forum said.
Her
passing was marked by a stranger offering viagra, someone offering
opinions on Ron Paul and the Federal Reserve, three people asking for
nudes, and a guy saying “I get what you’re trying to do, I just don’t
see why people would care but oh well.”
PALERMO, Italy (UPI)—An amateur botanist in Italy said he has developed a tree that grows both eggplants and tomatoes.
Professors
at the institute said that they had called the man mad, but he had
certainly showed them, yes, he had showed them all.
COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP)—A South Carolina judge says an auction of James Brown’s belongings in New York can go forward as planned this week.
The
belongings had originally said they couldn’t do no more, and were
leaving the stage, when the judge’s announcement gave them the strength
to throw the robe off their shoulders and return to the sale.
