Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
LILONGWE, Malawi (UPI)—U.S. pop star Madonna has left the African country of Malawi and headed to London to celebrate Passover, People.com reported.
Madonna plans a traditional celebration in which she will attempt to adopt every first born male, except those in houses which are marked with lamb’s blood.
WORCESTER, Mass. (AP)—A man allegedly upset about a 20-year-old unpaid speeding ticket that was preventing him from renewing his license was charged with pushing over a nearly 150-year-old statue of Moses in a Worcester courthouse.
Golden calf lovers everywhere have thrown their support behind the man, saying that this payback was long overdue.
WASHINGTON (AP) – The president’s new science adviser said Wednesday that global warming is so dire, the Obama administration is discussing radical technologies to cool Earth’s air.
If this radical approach proves insufficiently cool, sources indicate the government is prepared to consider awesome, rad, gnarly, and even totally tubular technologies.
BRISBANE, Australia (UPI)—An Australian family said a pet dog that fell overboard from a yacht survived by swimming 5 nautical miles and feeding on wild goats for four months.
The family has been unable to explain why there were goats in the ocean.
NEW YORK (AP)- The 1970s gay porn idol Jack Wrangler has died at age 62.
He is survived by two sons, Beef and Pole.
SYDNEY (AP)—Hugh Jackman said Wednesday that he is heartbroken his new film, “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” was leaked online a month before its official release.
Thankfully, Jackman’s broken heart was almost instantly repaired, thanks to his mutant healing factor.
SAO PAULO (AP)- A Brazilian human rights group says it has awarded a medal to five Cubans imprisoned in the U.S. on espionage charges.
The medal is currently being baked inside a cake.
MALMO, Sweden (UPI)—Japanese pop star Hideki Kaji was in the middle of a recording session in Malmo, Sweden, when he was beaten and robbed, police say.
However, Kaji is still convinced that his decision to work with Phil Spector is the right one.
TROLL RESEARCH STATION, Antarctica (AP) – Into the Antarctic enigma, the puzzle of a place with too few researchers chasing too many climate mysteries, slowly waddles the elephant seal.
Scientists vow to look into the effects of climate change on the elephant seal as soon as they’re done researching the trolls.
