Woot® : One Day, One Deal™

Thanks For Five Years Of Wooting, Wooters!

Don’t you hate those jerks who have nothing better to do than sit up at midnight and hit refresh so they can snipe your rightful Bag O’ Crap out from under you?

So we’re faced with the strange problem of figuring out the fairest way to dish out your crap. Fortunately, those low-down crap rustlers don’t usually read this text. So they don’t know that everybody who buys today’s Woot-Off lights will automatically have a (slim) chance at receiving a genuine Bag O’ Crap. That’s how we’re celebrating our fifth birthday today. It was either this or Chuck E. Cheese.

Here’s the way it works. You buy these tasteful, dynamic, unique, attractive, useless Woot-Off lights, for the oddly familiar price of $3 plus $5 shipping. That’s your end of the deal.

Then, if the last digit of your order number matches the last integer digit (that’s the ones digit) of the final Dow Jones Industrial Average at the close of business Monday, July 13, 2009 (after all settling), we’ll send you a bonafide Bag O’ Crap. We promise only that it will include a bag and some quantity of crap. Thrilling, we know.

Since these lowly Woot-Off lights are likely to be available for a while, we figured this sort of randomness was a better way to distribute crap than the usual mad scramble where everybody gets mad and blames everything on our poor servers. They’ve taken too much abuse from you people already. If you don’t like the outcome this time, take it up with Wall Street.

So those of you who aspire to buy our crap, buy these crappy lights and wait for astronauts Buzz Aldrin and Jim Lovell (along with some Louis Vuitton executive) to ring the closing bell on Monday. 9 out of 10 of you will receive Woot-Off lights and only Woot-Off lights. 1 out of 10 will receive Woot-Off lights plus the obligation to take some of this garbage off of our hands.

The question in that scenario is, who are the “winners” and who are the “losers”? If you’re one of the aforementioned jerks, feel free to tell everybody in our forums how much you regret wasting your money on that garbage.

And we’ll go ahead and give the rules again for those of you unlucky enough to nab Bag O’ Crap XL (that’s 40 in Roman numerals, not extra large):

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.1

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and SOME NUMBER OF crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

VI. Shalt thou receive Woot-Off lights only, thou shalt consider that crap enough.