Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
EVANSTON, Ill. (UPI)—Researchers at Northwestern University in Illinois say the pen and paper letters written by geniuses like Albert Einstein are very similar to today’s e-mails.
Their findings indicate that Einstein had access to Viagra decades earlier than the general public, and frequently acted as a go-between for many prominent Nigerian citizens.
OLOMOUC, Czech Republic (UPI)—Former Communist secret police agent Pavel Minarik must serve up to six years in prison for insurance fraud, a Czech Republic court ruled.
The judge said Minarik had forgotten his heritage, adding that if Minarik had Czeched himself, he would not have wrecked himself.
DURHAM, N.C. (UPI)—U.S. evolutionary anthropologists say they’ve discovered spotted hyenas outperform primates on cooperative problem-solving tests.
In a related story, Durham residents have not yet been warned that super-intelligent hyenas may be on the loose.
CHICAGO (UPI)—The makers of a Chia pottery plant kit modeled after Barack Obama said the items, which have been in Chicago warehouses since April, are headed back to stores.
Dissenting gardeners have begun to worry aloud these kits mean that they will lose their right to choose their own garden.
NEW HAVEN, Conn. (UPI)—Yale University scientists say they have, for the first time, observed and tracked E. coli bacteria moving in a liquid medium.
The bacteria were observed yelling “Ya’ll, I’m so drunnnnk!” and trying to make out with much older amoeba.
ALTON, Ill. (UPI)—The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service says the shovelnose sturgeon should receive protection as a threatened species in certain areas because of its appearance.
Meanwhile, there is still no federal protection for that kid with the glasses that gets beat up every day at lunch.
NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (UPI)—U.S. actress Tawny Kitaen, who appeared in the reality show “Celebrity Rehab,” has been arrested for driving while intoxicated, police say.
A few of the older police added that she was all over the hood. The younger police with no idea why that would be funny just shrugged and walked away.
NEW YORK (UPI)—The New York Medical Examiner’s office says the death of celebrity disc jockey Adam Goldstein last month has been declared an accidental drug overdose.
Witnesses say that the noted DJ was just sitting there, bored to death, then took just one breath, at which point he attempted to get up, attempted to get up, and ultimately had to get down.
BOSTON (UPI)—Boston police say a man is posing as a movie producer in an attempt to gain sexual favors from women in exchange for non-existent roles.
A spokesperson for all Hollywood producers ever says that everyone thinks the man is a genius and wants to shake his hand.
