As everyone has learned from spending two months playing “Beatles: Rock Band” non-stop, there was no group quite like the Fab Four. As they moved like a Jedi lightsaber through the Sith tummy that was the music industry, things that people had always taken for granted were changed forever. Records were shattered, budgets were increased, the hits kept coming and no one ever missed a bonus! And then, instantly, it was over. And things started to go back to normal.
Of course, the music industry was having none of that crap. And we’re betting that’s why there were so many absolutely terrible songs in the era just after The Beatles vanished forever. Maybe you’re too young to remember. Maybe you’ve blissfully forgotten. Well, don’t you worry! We’re perfectly comfortable rooting about in the world of remainders! And that’s the sort of thing you’ll find after the jump. On the other side, you’ll be enjoying a blast of really bad, really terrible, incredibly, evilly… hey, you know what? You probably should just stop reading now.
Whoa, you made it? Wow, hardcore. Respect. Okay, let’s get started, then. God be with you. Here we go.
Andrew Gold – Lonely Boy
Look, we’re not saying the man is untalented. He wrote the Golden Girls theme song, after all. We’re just saying this is a flat out horrible song. Listen to the plot, not only is it a story of a young boy who runs away from home because of his newborn sister, it also has no act three. Where’s the resolution, Gold? Where’s the chance for character growth? In any other era, this would have fallen flat on its competent-but-irritating face.
Richard Harris – MacArthur Park
The best thing about MacArthur Park’s extended metaphor regarding a damp cake is how it proves once and for all that The Beatles weren’t just a bunch of guys who did LSD and then wrote a song. There’s a huge, clearly measurable difference between “I am the eggman, Go goo ga joob.” and “We were pressed in love’s hot, fevered iron, like a striped pair of pants.” Also, green icing on a cake? There’s no excuse for that. Stop buying cakes from the cheap grocery store, Dumbledore.
Terry Jacks – Seasons In The Sun
Admittedly, when you figure out that this song is about the singer dying, it does get a little bit better. Suddenly it’s like there’s a clock ticking, a slow, steady countdown until his wavering, shaking voice dissolves into a pile of earthworms and hungry ants and his bones are torn apart by wolves that just happened to be passing by to see what that terrible noise was. But just imagine how it would feel to be trapped in a cabin, surrounded by unkillable zombies, all of whom were singing this at you as they pounded on the rotting wooden door? That’s the sort of terror that keeps us up at night.
The Carpenters – Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft
Okay, this one isn’t quite so bad. It’s got the always-smooth Karen Carpenter vocals, it’s got some nice melodies here and there, it’s even got a fuzzy alien voice that stops in now and again. We’re happy to admit that it’s not the worst song ever. It’s just that we’re pretty sure this song is the reason that no alien has ever tried to contact us. They were probably all ready to welcome us into the Space Parliament, and then this came over their radios, and they were all like “Nah, we’re cool.” And we’re pretty sure that every line in this song makes James Randi cry.
Captain & Tennille – Muskrat Love
There’s honestly not much we can say that the video doesn’t say all by itself. But we will mention that we go to bed every night just praying that we’ll wake up to someone offering us a quality mashup of this and Ol’ Dirty’s “Baby I’ve Got Your Money”. Make that happen and maybe we can work something out.
Get ready, though, because all these songs pale before the absolute champion of misery. The king of crap! There is none higher!
Charlene – Paradise
When you think about it dispassionately, “I’ve spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free” is really a pretty impressive rhyme. Too bad you’ll never be able to do that because you’ll be too busy laughing at the breathy analysis of the Lie That Is Paradise which starts at about 2:16. But hey, you made it! Way to go! You deserve a reward. Um… you want some wet, green cake?
Woot.com accepts that music is very subjective, and that there are many, many people who believe that “Muskrat Love” is right up there with “Pet Sounds”. Please, feel free to threaten us openly in the comments below. Maybe this time we’ll learn our lesson!
