Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LAS VEGAS (UPI) -- Microsoft says its appearance at this year's Consumer Electronics Show will be its last, but CES organizers are playing it down as a pause, not an ending.

Sources hint Microsoft has instructed that CES not shut down or unplug their conference, and that the software company must install 268 updates before it's safe to restart the event.

TOKYO (UPI) -- Japan says a futuristic robotic farm will be built on land swamped by the March 11 tsunami as part of an experimental government project.

And in a related story, James Cameron paid twenty million for full rights to the above sentence!

BEIJING (UPI) -- China accused the Dalai Lama of encouraging his followers to burn themselves to death, as 14 have reportedly done since March.

According to Chinese officials, the Dalai Lama hid backwards messages in his latest single, a cover of Judas Priest's "Better By You, Better Than Me."

AUSTIN, Texas (UPI) -- Scientists have mapped dark matter in the universe on the largest scale ever observed, a meeting of the American Astronomical Society in Austin, Texas, heard.

Scientists say that, based on the data, the primary source of the mysterious dark matter seems to be British comic book writers.

MIAMI (UPI) -- Hollywood filmmaker David O. Russell is denying allegations he inappropriately fondled his teen, pre-operative transgender nephew's breasts.

Later in the statement, Russell said he was very happy he was able to make the Law & Order: SVU scriptwriters' jobs just a little bit easier this year.