Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
PHOENIX (UPI) -- A group of Republican Arizona lawmakers proposed legislation that would limit teachers' language to what's permitted on TV and radio, teachers say.
Educators are already supporting the bill, saying it would finally allow them to teach children about lesbians, sex positions, alcohol abuse and, most especially, Rocktober.
NASHVILLE (UPI) -- A Tennessee fisherman says he was stunned when a blue walleye, declared extinct in the Great Lakes where it once thrived, was caught in a local lake.
Sources say the kindly fisherman initially tried to kill the fish so that local scientists wouldn't get in trouble for miscounting.
EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) -- Scottish officials say Donald Trump's luxury golf development in Aberdeenshire can coexist with an offshore wind farm.
Business experts add that if they can get Trump to run for office again, the hot air generated might actually power all of Europe.
STONY BROOK, N.Y. (UPI) -- A U.S. researcher says he's found that contrary to popular belief, there aren't plenty of fish in the sea, and he's measured surprisingly low fish biodiversity.
His next direction of research will attempt to prove conclusively that another bus will not be along in a few minutes, after which the researcher intends to go house to house and inform people that they will most likely die alone.
COLOGNE, Germany (UPI) -- The trial for a woman burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft almost 400 years ago resumed Monday in Germany.
Legal experts describe this case as a sort of "catch-22" because if the accused woman actually manages to appear in court, it can be used as evidence against her.