Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
SAGAMIHARA, Japan (UPI) -- Authorities in Japan said a parakeet captured at a hotel was returned to its owners after it was able to give its address to police.
The owner is reportedly very happy he bought that house on WhistleTweetSkwak Avenue.
YORK, Neb. (UPI) -- A Nebraska entrepreneur who had his first name legally changed to Tyrannosaurus Rex said he wanted the new moniker for the "name recognition."
Tragically, "Tyrannosaurus Rex Gold" was unable to sign the official paperwork, due to his small and useless arms.
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (UPI) -- Dinosaurs may have caused climate change through their flatulence, releasing enough methane to warm the climate millions of years ago, British researchers say.
But a spokesperson for the dinosaurs retorted that everyone knows he who calculated and designed the mathematical model probably the planet in gas did swaddle.
PRINCEVILLE, Quebec (UPI) -- A bacon plant caught fire overnight in Princeville, Quebec, forcing the evacuation of about 100 nearby homes, authorities said.
Nations of the world turned on Canada shortly thereafter, demanding an explanation for why the country did not immediately offer to share seeds from the bacon plant with everyone.
LONDON (UPI) -- Stars of BBC programs from the 1960s and '70s told a documentary how the station was formerly a hotbed of drugs and sex, even on children's shows.
According to an insider, "You haven't lived until you've seen a dalek orgy."
Did You Loose Your Parakeet? from Britt Selvitelle and dino from banjobelknap are used under a Creative Commons License