In Square Dancing, there is only one person opening their yap, and that's the caller. And if the caller is doing their job right, you'll be occupied with dancing and too out of breath to talk! If you showed up with a kite to drag around not only would the string get caught on everything around you, but everyone as well, possibly strangling your partner. And when accidental death happens no one likes the paper work involved with that, I tell you what. BELIEVE ME! Avoid the paper work and stick with dancing silently.

Advantage: Only Vaguely Noticeable Speech Impediment

Let's go three-peat! My hope is that if I win enough of these Woot! will offer me a writing job...or a Roomba. All this winning leaves me little time to clean my floors.

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First of all, I want to preface this by saying I was born in the South. I want to also add that my mother has a slight speech impediment (also known as a Southern accent). And here we go...

1. A kite vs. An Only Vaguely Noticeable Speech Impediment in terms of Square Dancing

Remember that well-known country saying, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" Well nothing advertises this more blatantly than flawless pronunciation and enunciation. Country folk, especially the type most likely to put on a square dance, don't like people who "ain't there kind." Having a slight speech impediment reminds them fondly of their cousin Jimmy, whereas they most likely will feel threatened by your fancy city kite. All they ever had was a plastic shopping bag tied to a string. A kite means you probably think you're better than they are, and they won't take kindly to people like you.

Advantage: An Only Vaguely Noticeable Speech Impediment

2. A Wafer Cookie vs. Rollerblades in terms of Setting a New High Score on the Pinball Machine

As a pinball enthusiast, I can certainly concur that rollerblades make it VERY difficult to "bump" the table. [Which, for those of you unfamiliar with Advanced Pinball (note the capitalization), "bumping" is a very Advanced Technique (also caps) that involves carefully nudging the table in the direction that you need the ball to travel, ideally to prevent gutterballs and That Annoying Thing Where the Ball Goes RIGHT in the Middle of the Two Flippers (caps, TATWBGRM2F is the lingo you're more likely to hear at your local pinball alley.) In practice, it makes you look like you are aggressively trying to have your way with the coin slot (that dirty, dirty girl), and you will be mocked, until they see your score, unless they don't care about pinball scores.] If one were to be wearing rollerblades and attempt to bump the table, taking into consideration Newton's first law, one would simply roll away from the table as you watch your ball helplessly fall to a precarious fate.

However, when the multiball comes, you need to be on your A-game mentally. Enjoying the succulent texture of a wafer cookie would do nothing but distract your senses from the matter at hand (and don't kid yourself; go listen to Tommy before you say that olfactorial abilities can't influence pinball skill). during a multiball, bumping becomes less important, as a bump to hit that target may cause you to lose some other ball teetering precariously on top of the bumper (bumper being that thing on the table; not the person doing the bumping).

With both of those things considered, I believe that it is possible to play pinball without bumping and without optimizing your multiballs, though neglecting either or both would make it difficult to get your initials on the board. (We all know that your name is actually Stephen Edward Xavier, and that you have finally toppled Andrew Stanley Smith.)

Advantage: draw. Though my personal play style behooves bumping over multiballs, my friend favors the latter. It is a case of preference, not a hardened rule.

3. A Best Selling Novel vs. Anti-Wrinkle Cream in terms of Stopping a Ship From Sinking

Anti-Wrinkle Cream does provide lift, but sadly, it is designed to lift faces. More often than not, a face weighs less than a sinking ship, so while the Anti-Wrinkle Cream helps, it's insufficient on it's own. The best it can do is slow down the ship's sinking.

A Best Selling Novel is indeed a book on the rise. It helps to raise an entire country's economy. Now we're talking heavy-duty lifting power, exactly what a sinking ship needs.

Advantage: Best Selling Novel

Bonus: If you're in the mood for some adventurous fun, smear some Anti-Wrinkle Cream on a Best Selling Novel. Now you will not only stop a ship from sinking, but the added lift from the cream will convert your ship into a dirigible. High flying fun, indeed!

1. A kite vs. An Only Vaguely Noticeable Speech Impediment in terms of Square Dancing

Everyone knows that in any form of dancing, you have to follow a lead. In the case of square dancing, the lead belongs to the caller. Since you're listening to instructions, your partner is not going to be whispering slightly garbled nothings in your ear as you do-si-do. On the other hand, a kite flying in the wind is SURE to distract you, keeping you eyes focused skyward and your brain focused on "Ooooh, flying shiny" as your partner treads on your distracted foot with a softly spoken "Shorry bout that" and another couple allemandes left right into your unfocused backside.

Advantage: An Only Vaguely Noticeable Speech Impediment