There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.
1. A kite vs. An Only Vaguely Noticeable Speech Impediment in terms of Square Dancing
In order to square dance successfully, both you and your partner must be focused. This becomes nearly impossible if you have a slight speech impediment. Not only will you be self-conscious; your partner will be confused. "There's something about his voice," she'll think. "But I can't quite tell what." It'll nag at her, and she won't be able to concentrate on the steps. A kite sends a different message altogether. You bring a kite to a square dance, and you show yourself to be a conquerer of the wind. "If he's already working in the sky, he must've mastered all things done the ground," your partner will think. "I'll have to be at the top of my game to keep up."
2. A Wafer Cookie vs. Rollerblades in terms of Setting a New High Score on the Pinball Machine
Here's what you're thinking right now: "If you're holding a wafer cookie, that takes away a hand. Rollerblades are on your feet, so both hands are free to work the paddles. Advantage: blades." Well, hold up. There are three important things you need to consider: 1) You can eat a wafer cookie without any hands, you just gotta believe; 2) the wafer gives you something to chew on, which provides a place to send your nervous energy; and 3) you've probably never played pinball without your feet planted, and thus think they serve no purpose in the process. But trust me, when you actually need to work to keep your feet from sliding around, it's a whole different pinball game!
3. A Best Selling Novel vs. Anti-Wrinkle Cream in terms of Stopping a Ship From Sinking
Anti-Wrinkle Cream (actual anti-wrinkle cream may vary from pictured)
A best selling novel is a book on the rise. It knows not of the fear that one faces when aboard a ship that is slowly sinking into the murky depths of the sea. Anti-wrinkle cream, on the other hand, is a lifter. It takes something in disrepair and fixes it. It picks the face up out of its slump, if you will, stops the skin's slow, sagging decent. So, if you find yourself on a sinking ship, all you must do is ask, if this ship were a face, how would anti-wrinkle cream keep it young and afloat?
Fresh on the heels of a successful Rebuttal of the Week, Wooter abitterwoman used a simple argument to narrowly edge out some stiff competition and win the first ever Blank Comparison Contest:
Tartar Sauce vs. Losing Your Voice in terms of A Job Interview
Real men are men of few words, so who needs a voice to do well during a job interview? If you simply nod or grunt in response to the interviewers questions, you are sure to appear intimidatingly masculine. So intimidating, in fact, that they would fear you far too much to turn you down for the job.
Tartar sauce, in contrast, was invented by the French. Need I say more?
Advantage: Losing Your Voice
Will abitterwoman three-peat and become the Michael Jordan of Completely Unfair Comparisons? Or will someone provide a stronger rebuttal to one of the above arguments and take her down? Find out next week! (For now, we're going back to the rebuttling, but if you like the blank comparisons more, let me know in the comments. I'd be happy to switch it up every once in a while!)
"Kite Festival" by flickr user, goingslo; "Monaka, Seta Shijimi" by flickr user, matsuyuki; "Smiley Face Ice Cream Green Well Gastro Pub October 29, 20101" by flickr user, stevendepolo. All used under a Creative Commons License.