daj59 wrote:A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I like this one!

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and
run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

*Groooooan*

wow, I have just read through this entire thread, and I need to piss again for the 3rd time. This is some funny stuff.

A warehouse on Chicago's West Side is "the world capital of fake (latex) vomit, where it's still made the old-fashioned way, ladle by ladle, formed and coagulated," reported the Chicago Tribune in December. Though it is not as popular as 50 years ago (7,000 units sold yearly, compared to 60,000 then), Fun Inc. President Graham Putnam said, still, "It's the best vomit on the market." According to the awe-struck Tribune reporter: "The texture is soft and sturdy, pliable and complex, with ridges of multihued solid chunks looking like a jagged lunar landscape ... perfect for the bathroom, refrigerator, auto seat or sidewalk." [Chicago Tribune, 12-12-07]

Princess Leia on steroids:

I know "the holidays" are over, but I just saw this . . .

Pedro & His Girl*



One beautiful December evening Pedro and his
girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.



It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,



"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."



Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.



Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita .



Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."



Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."



Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....









"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

daj59 wrote:

I knew you'd like it.

daj59 wrote:A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he just had a fight with his wife.

“Too bad,” says the bartender. “How’d it end?”

“Well,” replies the guy, “when it was over, the old lady came to me on her hands and knees.”

“What’d she say?” asks the bartender.

“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you little chicken balderdash.’”

*Groan*

This might have been based on a true story. Perhaps.

A man comes into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!" The doctor grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, he noticed that there were several cabs outside the hospital, and he was in the wrong one.

SkekTek wrote:

Not smart enough to let go of the pole!!!

daj59 wrote:There was a Preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The Preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church.
The preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said... "HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!"

In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in a frail voice said .... "SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD, BUT WHEN WE GET TOO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS."

LMAO!

pooflady wrote:Not smart enough to let go of the pole!!!

On the miraculous side- that pole didn't snap!

Research has led to the recent discovery of the heaviest element yet known
to science.

The new element, Governmentium (GV), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally
take less than a second) anytime from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with
money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just
as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice
as many morons.

daj59 wrote:jejeje. But what about the Barneyron?

He'd be a deputy neutron!!

SkekTek wrote:

cute

Two Navy Chiefs are getting shitfaced at the Club when suddenly one of 'em
throws up all over himself.

"Damn,now my wife will kill me!"

The other chief says,
"Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars to have it dry
cleaned."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually they stumble out and go home and this chief's wife started to
chew his ass out.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're
Disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, the chief says,

"Now way a mint, I can splain everthin. Ish snot wha jew think. I only had a
cupla drrrinks. But thish damn Marine ga ssick on me. He had one too many
and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me
twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,

"But this is forty bucks.'

Oh, yeah I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.

Help! I'm stuck!

here's her sister:

kenney9226 wrote:here's her sister:

Ok, I think we exhausted this line of humor. But what's with the picture of donald duck and christina aguilera? Search Google images for it...

DUDE, I'M AT WORK!!

kenney9226 wrote:DUDE, I'M AT WORK!!

Whoops... dude I apologize! But then again, I am too, and I was shocked by what I found when I searched for disney characters.

SkekTek wrote:Whoops... dude I apologize! But then again, I am too, and I was shocked by what I found when I searched for disney characters.

I'll bet Donald was shocked, too.