AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
ThunderThighs wrote:Ok, that was funny. Still...

//smack Az



//smack menopausal daj

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 545 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

**The scent of freshness**...

A new Woolworth’s supermarket has just opened in Queensland at the hill of Yarraman.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the fresh milk stand, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and sausages.

In the alcohol department, the clean, crisp smell of hops of the freshly brewed bitter.

When you approach the egg section, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh-baked bread and biscuits.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.



Customer Service: support@woot.com ••• Allow 1-2 business days for response.
••• ► Woot's Return Policy
◄ ••• ► Did you check your spam/junk folders for a CS reply?
CANCEL?? How to cancel your order in the first 15 minutes!! - except Woot-Offs & expedited orders

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Prince Charles' Wedding Night and Camilla's new shoes


Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Prince Charles retired back to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man"


Grumpy 'til the day I die.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem..

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.

'You gonna try again...

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

Iceback


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Iceback

A professor at Akansas State is holding the first class in his course on the para-normal.
He asks the class "Who here believes in ghosts?"
Most of the class raises it's hand.
"Great! Now who here has seen a ghost?"
About 3/4 raise their hand.
"Fantastic! I'm glad to see you all take this seriously. Who here has talked to a ghost?"
About 1/4 raise thier hand.
"Excellent! Who here has made love to a ghost?"
One lone student, Bubba, raises his hand from the back of the hall.
"In all the years I have taught this class no one has ever raised their hand when I asked this question, come to the front young man and tell what it was like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba looks puzzeled then says "Oh you said GHOST, from way back here I thought you said GOATS."

In the end only kindness matters

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

Apple does it again!


Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them..



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

How fast can you guess these words?













1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM









Answers: Below



































1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM











You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

Iceback


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Iceback

yup. 'cause that's how I roll

In the end only kindness matters

KikiinMud


quality posts: 1 Private Messages KikiinMud

A man walks into a bar, as he sits down, he notices the person beside him looks somewhat like a pirate, but most starnge of all, was that he had a ship steering wheel between his legs. So he asks the pirate, "Excuse me, why is there steering wheel between your legs?" The pirate answers" Arrrrr, it's a driving me nuts!"

KikiinMud


quality posts: 1 Private Messages KikiinMud

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
KikiinMud wrote:


. . . Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."



//chortle!!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

KikiinMud


quality posts: 1 Private Messages KikiinMud

A pirate walks into a bar with a wooden ships wheel strapped to his thigh.

The bartender says "What's up with the wheel?"

The pirate says, "ARRRRRRR its drivin me nuts"

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
KikiinMud wrote:A pirate walks into a bar with a wooden ships wheel strapped to his thigh.

The bartender says "What's up with the wheel?"

The pirate says, "ARRRRRRR its drivin me nuts"



Man walks into a bar.

Says, "Ouch!"

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

KikiinMud


quality posts: 1 Private Messages KikiinMud
AZGman wrote:Man walks into a bar.

Says, "Ouch!"



Two men walk into a bar.

You would think the second one would have noticed

Lynnzoi


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Lynnzoi

Two Plastic Bags




A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.




One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.




Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."




"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."




Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.



On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.



It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?



So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'



"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."



KikiinMud


quality posts: 1 Private Messages KikiinMud

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite." "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say 'bathroom' at the dinner table." "And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say 'Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very good friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner'." The teacher fainted.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
KikiinMud wrote:During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite." "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say 'bathroom' at the dinner table." "And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say 'Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very good friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner'." The teacher fainted.



//chortle//

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

goldenthorn


quality posts: 38 Private Messages goldenthorn

Volunteer Moderator

"I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.” I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”"

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect:


I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal an idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

You're never too old to learn something Jatravartid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

TRAVEL WARNING

The federal government has issued a
travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in> the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:

- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including hat and gloves
- 24 hours worth of food
- De-icer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- Full spare gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables

I looked like an i d i o t on the bus this morning.



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

pooflady wrote:TRAVEL WARNING

The federal government has issued a
travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in> the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:

- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including hat and gloves
- 24 hours worth of food
- De-icer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- Full spare gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables

I looked like an i d i o t on the bus this morning.



Good one!

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

KikiinMud


quality posts: 1 Private Messages KikiinMud

I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body". I'm going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says " Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"



Grumpy 'til the day I die.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

Gary was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few short years, my father will die and I will inherit $200
million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scot and their wives were playing the Old Course at St. Andrews,

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

His wife replies, "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb--tidy yerself up a bit."

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

Keep them coming!

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
dontwantaname wrote:Keep them coming!



You don't get funny emails from friends, from people who aren't addicted to visual comedy, who still appreciate the power of the written word to convey humor?

Are you a youtube boob?

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

AZGman wrote:You don't get funny emails from friends, from people who aren't addicted to visual comedy, who still appreciate the power of the written word to convey humor?

Are you a youtube boob?



Yes, now get back to cutting and pasting.

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
dontwantaname wrote:Yes, now get back to cutting and pasting.



I'd post more jokes, but I've discovered there's some mighty thin skin among us when it comes to humor.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

AZGman wrote:I'd post more jokes, but I've discovered there's some mighty thin skin among us when it comes to humor.


Did I complain about any jokes??? No. Now get to posting.

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
dontwantaname wrote:Did I complain about any jokes??? No. Now get to posting.



After you!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

AZGman wrote:After you!



I don't have any. I only got jokes from MacDaddy and he took me off his email list years ago.

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
dontwantaname wrote:I don't have any. I only got jokes from MacDaddy and he took me off his email list years ago.



Well, that means someone else will have to go next; I'm out of jokes.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

What is a calorie?




Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at
night and sew your clothes tighter.
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE S H I T S.





When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence ... thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know caca?

noslensj


quality posts: 42 Private Messages noslensj

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Bloody Hell.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....


*

*

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little
longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me
brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again
-- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins
kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"



The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"




When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

pooflady


quality posts: 20 Private Messages pooflady

1. Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.


2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.


5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.


15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.


18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
-------------------------------------------------------



When I was a kid I wanted to be older, this CRAP is NOT what I expected.

Mavyn


quality posts: 22 Private Messages Mavyn
pooflady wrote:

18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

-------------------------------------------------------



The corollary of this is Goodwins' Law...as soon as you stock pile a hard to find product, EVERY place will carry it, at a lower price.

My speech is not parsing. I am speaking in ellipsis.