acemom wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?


Bob.

Bad, bad Acemom.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging out in a junkyard?


Rusty.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch?


Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at a baseball game?

First base.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your attic?


Dusty.

Reminds me of a scene from Elfen Lied... poor Nana.
Don't worry though, she gets replacement arms and legs.



Oops, that wasn't a joke.

daj59 wrote:What do you call a woman with one leg?

Ilene.

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?

Irene.

sorry all ye religious people in advance

Jesus walks into a motel, places four nails on the front desk and asks, "can you put me up for the night?"

pblgov wrote:sorry all ye religious people in advance

Jesus walks into a motel, places four nails on the front desk and asks, "can you put me up for the night?"

Is it starting to feel warm around there yet?

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife says, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Are you sick?"

"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

He said," Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing I'm going
to get a tetanus shot.

daj59 wrote:A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Bwahahahaha!!!
I like it!!!

What do you call a negative radicand?













A radicant!

Cooking Terms Explained
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

nice joke pooflady.

here's one that you all might find funny...(disclaimer: adoption is actually a good thing)

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
" No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

tall4agirl wrote:Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
" No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

That's not a joke; that's a chapter from Genesis . . .

you know your a redneck if ...

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

peglegwookie wrote:you know your a redneck if ...

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

If you planted acorns in a commode, would you eventually have toiletries?

AZGman wrote:

If you planted acorns in a commode, would you eventually have toiletries?

thats a good one... a redneck would say yes.

You might be a redneck Jedi if...



You have ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage-colored.

Your land-speeder is up on blocks in your back yard.

You have a confederate flag painted on its hood.

You use the force to get yourself a beer from the fridge.

You use your lightsaber to open it.

Wookies are offended by your body odor.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You think Jabba the Hutt has a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son; come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Followed by, "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."

darthv8r wrote:You might be a redneck Jedi if...



You have ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage-colored.

Your land-speeder is up on blocks in your back yard.

You have a confederate flag painted on its hood.

You use the force to get yourself a beer from the fridge.

You use your lightsaber to open it.

Wookies are offended by your body odor.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You think Jabba the Hutt has a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son; come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Followed by, "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."

Star Pants

Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1999 16:37:50 -0500

Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants.
3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

edit: i noticed later a few of the lines were edited for an extra word or two but still funny stuff.

dontwantaname wrote:I sent some dirty joke from woot...not one here, must have been a link....to the family. Only thing is, I used my sister in laws email to hit reply all on.
She just called to say that all her inlaws were on that email.
I just sent a dirty joke to all her inlaws! They weren't happy about it.

My wooting has got me in trouble!!!!

LOL time to go underground

dontwantaname wrote:I sent some dirty joke from woot...not one here, must have been a link....to the family. Only thing is, I used my sister in laws email to hit reply all on.
She just called to say that all her inlaws were on that email.
I just sent a dirty joke to all her inlaws! They weren't happy about it.

My wooting has got me in trouble!!!!

You're in deep doo-doo. Perhaps a reply all apology?

dontwantaname wrote:I sent some dirty joke from woot...not one here, must have been a link....to the family. Only thing is, I used my sister in laws email to hit reply all on.
She just called to say that all her inlaws were on that email.
I just sent a dirty joke to all her inlaws! They weren't happy about it.

My wooting has got me in trouble!!!!

Ms. Name,

Is it too late to blame it on your children?

dontwantaname wrote:

They are old enough to have their own accounts!

Dear in-laws of in-laws,

I hope you were not too disturbed by my recent email. I forgot to turn my computer off while I went to volunteer reading for the blind at the local library. While I was out, some acquaintances of my son or daughter came by to visit, and sent that email as a prank. I've put them to work cleaning litter from the neighborhood, and, needless to say, they'll also not be sitting comfortably for a while.

Sincerely,

Ms. Name.

dontwantaname wrote:

That would have worked! I should have come here first! Stupid me.

That's what Woot is for.

dontwantaname wrote:

That would have worked! I should have come here first! Stupid me.

LOL... at least they will remember you.

There is never a dull moment in a family... if there is, just wait a day or two, something will come up.

//whistles nonchalantly . . .

daj59 wrote:A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....






"Clean my house."

Smart lady.

Men don't care what's on TV, they only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld

daj59 wrote:A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....






"Clean my house."

My dream man.
If he would take care of my yard as well, I'd pay him $40.