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ThunderThighs


quality posts: 315 Private Messages ThunderThighs

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for
her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the creaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

pooflady


quality posts: 19 Private Messages pooflady

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..


(Are you ready for this?)





(You know you're gonna be sorry)


Its a corny one!!



(OK, here it is)



It says,



"Hair Spray -


Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Well, another day has passed and I didn't use algebra once.

Lynnzoi


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Lynnzoi

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m.
Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..
Peter, Peter, something or other.."

tall4agirl


quality posts: 0 Private Messages tall4agirl

Eathter Wabbits


A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth.

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit,
or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 315 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 315 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

Zilla79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zilla79
daj59 wrote:



this picture was done by a guy on b3ta. :-) *proud*

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celerita


quality posts: 0 Private Messages celerita

best pickup line ever:

If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA Helicase so i could unzip your genes!

and one of my favorites...

Two atoms are walking together, when suddenly...
Atom #1: Wait up! I just lost an electron.
Atom #2: Are you sure?
Atom #1: Yes, I'M POSITIVE!

ThunderThighs


quality posts: 315 Private Messages ThunderThighs

Staff

Company Organizational Chart


I'm at the bottom.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

Why do mice have small balls?













Because they don't dance well.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
kalyha wrote:Why do mice have small balls?














Because they don't dance well.




That's not true!!! I've seen Cinderella!!!!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha
AZGman wrote:


That's not true!!! I've seen Cinderella!!!!



Must be those Disney mutant mice. Did they have big balls?

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
kalyha wrote:

Must be those Disney mutant mice. Did they have big balls?



I dunno; I only have the G-rated version.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

darthv8r


quality posts: 0 Private Messages darthv8r
AZGman wrote:

I dunno; I only have the G-rated version.

isn't most disney films filled with sexual innuendos and images anyways?

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
darthv8r wrote:isn't most disney films filled with sexual innuendos and images anyways?



Only if ya squint.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

Ok, I've just come in this room, I don't want to get kicked out for changing the thread, so:

Two guys walk into a bar.

You would think the second one would have noticed.

darthv8r


quality posts: 0 Private Messages darthv8r

well two guys walk into a bar the third one ducks.

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
kalyha wrote:Ok, I've just come in this room, I don't want to get kicked out for changing the thread, so:

Two guys walk into a bar.

You would think the second one would have noticed.



Excellent! The sequel to one of my faves - Man walks into a bar. Says, "Ouch."

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

Zilla79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zilla79

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

A: Pick it up by its neck and jerk it off.

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kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha
AZGman wrote:

Excellent! The sequel to one of my faves - Man walks into a bar. Says, "Ouch."



Pfeew! Not getting booted

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?











2, that's all that will fit!

Zilla79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zilla79

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Hey barkeep, I'll have a beer and a mop!"

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--=-=-=Penguin Assault Force=-=-=--

AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman

How do ya tell the difference between a snowman and a snowgirl?








Snowballs.

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here!"
"Why not?" asks the mushroom, "I'm a fungi"


that one works better out loud.

darthv8r


quality posts: 0 Private Messages darthv8r

A piece of string walks into the bar and the bartender looks at him suspiciously. The bartender says "Sorry, buddy, we don't serve strings here."

So the piece of string walks out. As he’s sitting in the gutter outside feeling really thirsty, the string thinks "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting, turning, wiggling and fraying a few threads here and there.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Hey, aren’t you that string that was just in here a minute ago?”

The piece of string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Zilla79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zilla79

What did the Mexican kid get for Christmas?

Your bike. :-)

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AZGman


quality posts: 3 Private Messages AZGman
Zilla79 wrote:What did the Mexican kid get for Christmas?

Your bike. :-)



Careful, Imus!!! ROFLMAO!!!

Grumpy 'til the day I die.

OopsYou8MyCum


quality posts: 0 Private Messages OopsYou8MyCum
Zilla79 wrote:What did the Mexican kid get for Christmas?

Your bike. :-)



Thats where my bike ended up

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha
Zilla79 wrote:What did the Mexican kid get for Christmas?

Your bike. :-)


Or as my sister said, her bike was "donated" to the local boys club

Zilla79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zilla79
kalyha wrote:
Or as my sister said, her bike was "donated" to the local boys club



Pfft! Ok here's another one?

Q: Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD?


A: To a "Concentration" Camp

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kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha


So two jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here.

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says," well I can clearly see your nuts."

kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha
Zilla79 wrote:

Pfft! Ok here's another one?

Q: Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD?


A: To a "Concentration" Camp


Shouldn't this one go to the RAT thread?

Zilla79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zilla79
kalyha wrote:
Shouldn't this one go to the RAT thread?



Good point... But noone is in the rat thread

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OopsYou8MyCum


quality posts: 0 Private Messages OopsYou8MyCum
kalyha wrote:
Shouldn't this one go to the RAT thread?



I love you kalyha

Zilla79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zilla79
OopsYou8MyCum wrote:

I love you kalyha



Don't we all *sigh* don't we all....

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OopsYou8MyCum


quality posts: 0 Private Messages OopsYou8MyCum
Zilla79 wrote:

Don't we all *sigh* don't we all....



shes mine dog, dont make me fight for her

Zilla79


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Zilla79
OopsYou8MyCum wrote:

shes mine dog, dont make me fight for her



Hahahaha,

--> Official Muse: Dodgeball #25

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kalyha


quality posts: 0 Private Messages kalyha



OopsYou8MyCum]

shes mine dog, dont make me fight for her[/quote]

[quote user="Zilla79 wrote:


Hahahaha,



You boys are making me blush & giggle. I feel like a teenager again.

I wonder if I can find one though...

OopsYou8MyCum


quality posts: 0 Private Messages OopsYou8MyCum
kalyha wrote:

You boys are making me blush & giggle. I feel like a teenager again.

I wonder if I can find one though...



who said I was a boy? Well the procedure is almost completed...