The main strategy I use keep people safe on the highway is to stay in the left lane and drive at or below the speed limit.
The Maryland Driver’s handbook section on “How to avoid being hit from the rear,” suggests:
“Keep pace with traffic. If a vehicle follows too closely, slow down and let it pass. You should keep to the right, except when your vehicle is about to pass another vehicle…”
But these are only suggestions! It’s my God given right – well at least the MD state legislature given right- to drive the speed limit in whatever lane I want. I’m more than willing to risk my life to save another!
Once I’m safely in the left lane,sometimes I adjust my mirrors so I can’t be distracted by traffic behind me. Then I turn on some classical music or meditate. I have no stress, blissfully traveling with my cruise control set at 55, happy knowing I’m saving more lives.
Sometimes I like to make a phone call, have a bowl of soup, do the crossword puzzle, shave, or clip my nails. At 55 MPH, I can pretty much do anything and still save lives.
Other times I count how many cars are lined up behind me – I’ve gotten as high as 300! This relieves boredom and helps fight driving fatigue.
Sometimes I put on right turn signal to make the people behind me think I’m about to pull over to let them pass– that sure slows them down!
If there’s another car going 55 in the right lane beside me, we can form a rolling roadblock, just like the State Troopers sometimes do. I always wanted to be a State Trooper. This way I can enforce the speed limit without all the extensive training and testing required.
Some people call me a pompous ass, a control freak, a moron, or much worse! I say there’s no reason to speed just leave earlier!
I have been cursed at by drivers and their passengers as young as 3. I have had people throw coffee, cigarettes, sodas, beer cans, shoes, chewing gum, and pacifiers thrown at me. I don’t care, I’m saving their lives!
Some traffic engineers say that if everybody drove 55MPH or less on the DC beltway, it would handle thousands of fewer cars each day than it does now. I say build more lanes!
Ah you say, but what if someone has a good reason to go a little faster?
What if they have to go to the bathroom? I say Cut down on fluids!
What if they’re a diabetic who needs to get something to eat to increase their blood sugar – I say plan ahead. They should have brought along some crackers!
Say they’re in labor, or have uncontrolled bleeding- well, I say they should have called an ambulance!
How about a brain surgeon rushing to the hospital for emergency surgery? I say move closer to work!
What about a priest rushing to meet a dying person in order to save their immortal soul? Set up a conference call!
You see, if you plan ahead, there’s no reason to go any faster then 55.
Now is the time to act. Many people are dying on the highway as I speak. They need our help today. So let’s all join me and make a solemn oath to move over to the left lane as soon as possible, drive at or below the speed limit, and stay there. There’s no telling how many lives we can save.
