Boy, do I hate these weekly letters to the authors. We published one. single. book. about the horrifically raw emotional rending of a woman's psyche after the end of her marriage to a man destined for sainthood, if only it weren't for his series of affairs with younger women. Oh yeah, and there were giant eleven-legged half amoebish brain-eating slugoids from M31 which destroyed the northern hemisphere in there too. And now we're deluged with authors who want to Show us the cover of a classic literary work remixed to include zombies, monsters, vampires, or other horror elements. Sigh...Dear Mr. Aquinas: While we appreciate the contrast that re-animated vampyres would bring to your treatise, we regret that the disjointed way in which you added them to the story would not really interest our publishing house's readers. Incidentally, we do not have the technology to smear actual human blood over the pages of the second half of the book...
First Place - $100
jatanis - Clifford The Big Dead Dog
"No, little guy, Clifford isn't really dead. I know you can see him on the screen there, but it's just someone's bad taste idea of a jok- see, Clifford is OK, here at Amazon.com! No, that other page was nothing, just forget all about -here, now who wants a cookie?"
Second Place - $50
boredbabe90 - uncle tom's cabin of horror!
This disturbs the hell out of us, and yet...awesomely scary!
Third Place - $20
zilla81 - The Old Man and the Sea Monster
"Jonah? Jonah! You get back from that thing! Stay back, you don't know that it's really dea- Oh my God! Jonah! Jonah!"
mwiseman - Chop on Pop
Being a surprisingly warm (and wet) tail about the childhood antics of Lizzy Borden and her mysteriously disappeared twin.
snackbot - Bride of Bovary
In which a newly reanimated ingenue learns the ins and outs of running a gothic castle while staying out of the sun.
rickrocket - JaneWere
In which her lycanthropy causes a young girl to kill everyone she knows, except her one true love, Rochester Talbot.
ActorTom - Anne of Green Goblins
Moving to a new place always holds some surprises, doesn't it?
allcirca - Jack and Jill
...well, you know.
toby8915 - Silent American
If a self blinded man falls over a downed tree in the forest, can anyone hear him scream? Bueller? anyone?
BML0579 - The Bookstore
A surprisingly good selection of our books, demonstrating how many other excellent possibilities there were available to choose from.
stunnard -Rise of the killer fart
Money winners, please email your Paypal info to email@example.com. Monkey Prize winner, please email your shipping address to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you really, really, really want the über-special monkey prize, you need to break out your credit card, the spray paint, and the ladder. and, if you go online, you can acquire aluminum Christmas ornaments in a variety of shapes. These can be cleverly spray painted to the color monkey you prefer, and, when dry (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, as MRS JOSEPHUS CONTINUES TO REMIND ME), they can be arranged over one's house in the shape of monkey fur. ***Special note: ANY ornamentation that will be ANYWHERE near one's chimney ought to be made of metal, and NOT PAINTED (yes ma'am, I know, I KNOW.)** Your local fire department will affirm this, if you want to check. Remember to use the special red paint on the buttockial region, and you will find yourself living in the biggest monkey prize ever! Honorable Mentioneers may use coupon code HONMEN-FS for free shipping on a future order. it might work once, for one of you. if not, email service and they'll be good about fixing it. Until next time remember: always let the paint dry, COMPLETELY, before you place the ornaments on the: a) house, b) car, c) dog, d) child. especially a, b, and d. and it can't be just tacky, it has to be completely dry. It will always be tacky, even after it is dry, you can trust us on this.