(archiving this classic)
HE LIKES TO PLAY GAMES, YOU SEE
Everyone will admire the awesome amount of maturity you’re exhibiting by being at the same party with Marcy, especially after the break-up. Everyone except Josh. He knows what you're planning and doesn’t like it one bit.
“I don’t like this one bit,” he’ll tell you while you’re setting up the iNo! Interactive Game System for iPod in the living room.
Gently remind him that you still have those photos of him participating in that shower scene in a Vegas strip club and that it would be in his marriage’s best interest if he plays along. Then say, “Hey, everyone! Who’s ready for a little ‘Name That Tune’ style fun, huh?”
Carol will volunteer. So will Alex and his wife Sarah. “That’s three,” you’ll say, staring directly at Josh. “Now we just need one more player.” Subtly knock three times against the sleek global design of the iNo system, giving him The Signal.
Josh will look down into his drink, cursing himself for getting mixed up in your manipulative little web of deceit. “Hey, Marcy. You’re quite the audiophile. Why don’t you play?”
Marcy will be too busy talking up some jerk in a polo shirt to even decline. You’ll only have a moment to wonder if she’s already sleeping with him before you say, “No, no. That’s cool if you don’t want to play. I…” Take a slight pause here for dramatic effect. “Understand.”
The words will hit Marcy’s ego like a freight train. Not wanting you to seem like the bigger person, she’ll relent and come to the table. “Okay, I’m in. So, how do we play?”
Pass out the color-coded buzzers as you explain how the player will flip cards asking them to name the artist, title, or album of a random song that plays through the “stadium quality sound” speaker and score points by answering correctly. Of course, you’ll need one thing to start. “Now, who’s got an iPod that isn’t a Shuffle, iPhone or 3rd Generation Nano we can borrow?”
You’ll already know the answer to that question. Josh will reach into his pocket and pull out an iPod that you’ve already filled with all the songs you and Marcy used to make love to. “You can use mine,” he’ll say a little too flatly for your taste. Maybe you’ll send his wife one of those photos anyway.
Place the iPod into the system and start the game. When the first song plays, Carol will answer “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” and Marcy will squirm a little. Act like you know nothing. Next, Alex will correctly identify A Tribe Called Quest as the band behind the song “Hot Sex” while Marcy’s face glows red. And while you won’t understand how Susan doesn’t know Morris Day and The Time’s “Jungle Love” is on the album “Ice Cream Castle” and NOT on the “Purple Rain” soundtrack, you’ll be able to tell that Marcy is definitely seeing a pattern emerge.
Finally, Marcy won’t be able to help herself from buzzing in when she hears the first few notes of Journey’s “Faithfully” ring out. She’ll sit there, bottom lip quivering, not able to answer. Instead, she will look up at you. Gaze at her then, in the same way you did when you first met, before all the lies and the gambling and the hookers. At that moment, she will burst into tears, excuse herself from the table and flee out the door.
Follow her outside to her car. Ask her what’s wrong. When she says she still thinks about you sometimes, tell her you’re done with all the games and ask for another chance. Tell her to call you as she starts the engine, then stand there in the middle of the street, making sure she can see you in the rear view mirror as she drives away.
She’ll call you the next day. DO NOT answer her call. When she calls the second time, pick it up on the last ring and tell her you’re too busy to get coffee this week. On the third magical call, she will be yours again with a heart full of trust and a bank account full of dollar bills just waiting to be thrown around the casino.
Ships via FedEx 2 Day Express to arrive in time for Christmas