Big Orphaned Cetacea - The Epic
It was May 11, 2011 - a day like most any other day. A Woot Off was in full glory, and I, intently watching it all day, as a lion stalking a pack of gazelles. The moment would arrive, as it always does, a split second opportunity for glory and sustenance, the chance to move in for the kill, to snag the treasured Big Orphaned Cetacea.
I left work that day, fully afraid that during my return travel home that my opportunity would pass by, like so many others before and so many to come. Arriving home, I bolted to the computer and found it shut down. My heart sank. I turned it on in urgency, knowing every second that passed pushed me further from my goal. Why is it taking so long?! Ah yes, Windows Vista – really must do something about that.
After an eternity of waiting, that silly green scrolling bar screaming how slow my computer has gotten, I finally boot into Windows and launch my browser. Woot is launched before my brain even realizes I have fingered the keys. I’m not too late! Or am I? I scramble to click the Community link, to see what has passed me by. Scrolling down, I have only missed a couple of items. Yes! My veins throb, the anticipation building as I watch, occasionally F5’ing to stay abreast of the situation. Two items pass, frantic refreshing leaves me questioning whether I’m going to callous my finger. A question for another day – one must maintain focus.
Finally, that fateful moment – the arrival of the Big Orphaned Cetacea (quite prized, as many of the recent have been Random Crap instead). I clicked the magical golden egg, declared that I did indeed want one, indeed, needed one. After an excruciating wait, I entered my information, confirmed, and was told I was in.
Now to wait. Tom Petty was right – the waiting really is the hardest part. I conferred with the other blessed recipients in the forums for a few days, until of course, the tracking information started to pour in. Those closest to Valhalla (or Woot HQ, as the case may be) would certainly receive theirs first, and I would hate for the surprise to be soiled. With that, I vowed to avoid the forums until such time as my own arrived.
Like some of the others, my tracking number arrived on May 19. I whisked the number into MyFedex, to learn of the impending package’s dimensions and weight – to no avail. The tracking information wasn’t yet working. No matter, not the first time the number didn’t work on the first day. Multiple times a day I would check again, the anticipation building like a fire within me each time. And each time, it was doused with a frosty rain in defeat. Many times into this week I pondered a return to the forums, to seek counsel with others whose packages may have been delayed or misplaced and celebrate with those who had received their bounty. “My vow, I must stay true,” I thought, though it pained me.
Today, May 25, 2011. After another day of hoping and repeatedly checking Fedex – still nothing. Had I been forgotten, forsaken by the Woot Gods?
I arrived home from work, downtrodden, desperate. My neighbor yelled from across the yard that I had something large blocking my front door, delivered today by FedEx. Could it be?! The tracking information never worked. Is it possible? I scrambled around the house, almost tripping over my own feet like a child just finding his balance. There, on my front porch sprawled a monstrous box. I checked its label. From Woot.com. It is possible! I brought it inside.
I began to unravel the puzzle – it was a custom box, of this I was sure – taped together seams, wrapped in plastic, truly a secure job. Carefully carving with a utility blade, I freed the top and the bottom. Carefully pulling at the flaps (lest something fall and break), I opened it. First came some 30 bags of Texas Air – cushy, sweet smelling guardian that it is. Protected by the guardians lay One Large Green-Caped Woot Screaming Monkey, One Strawberry Bag, One Harbinger Batting Glove (Right-Hand for the curious), and a Woot-Branded, Question-Mark-Emblazoned Paper Bag.
Hiding behind these treasures lay something curiously shaped. I removed it from the box and set it vertically.
It appeared to be of modern origin, though with its mummification within layers of plastic wrap, tape, and two layers of bubble wrap, an Egyptian time travelling mummy is not entirely out of the question. Slowly my wife and I peeled back the layers, ever delicate to preserve what lay within (though with weapons nearby should the mummy find itself hungry or angry after its journey). Making our way through the final layer, we found something amazing within:
A giant, free-standing Woot Flying Monkey (made of wood). Judging by the heavy scent of wood and paint, this creature must have been recently crafted. On the back was a tattoo on its left leg – in green stokes, 3B. Who is this “3B”? Is that the true name of the Woot Gods? Another great mystery to be solved in another epic tale.
Check back later for the hopeful conclusion to our tale – same Woot time, same Woot channel (but likely different thread).
To recap the contents:
30x Bags Texas Air
1x Large Green-Caped Woot Screaming Monkey
1x Harbinger Right-Handed Batting Glove
1x Woot Question Mark Paper Bag
1x Giant Woot Flying Monkey Photo Statue