WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

People often wonder what it's like in the Woot Writers' Room. They like to ask about how cool it is, how we get any work done when we're constantly tweeting and posting about neat crap we find on the internet, and if they can get a job here. But the truth is we spend most of our day in a chat room collaborating on ideas and having some serious discussions that we sometimes scrub lightly for profanity and post here.

Like today, when I found this amazing video on Reddit that shows baboons kidnapping puppies and raising them as pets and posted it in the writers' chat room: (Editor's note: skip the first minute if you don't want to see a baboon treating a puppy rougher than most people like to see puppies treated)

 

 

Randall: WTF baboons abduct puppies and raise them as guard dogs?!

Scott:
Today I learned that Randy might be a pathological liar.

Scott:
A liar with a video budget.

Randall:
Skip like the first minute of that, unless you want to see a baboon forcibly abduct a puppy.

Jason:
All of my natural sympathy for fellow primates goes out the window when it comes to baboons. Kill them with fire.

Randall:
Racist.

Gatzby:
Jason was spanked as a child and ever since he's feared a large, red ass.

Pilot:
Some of us find it sexy.

Scott:
That's amazing.

Randall:
Maybe it's the more canine-looking face, or the huge engorged genitals, but there's something off-putting about them.

Scott:
That's some dawn of man s$%&.

Randall:
Right? Makes you wonder how it took us so long to domesticate dogs ourselves.

Scott:
Maybe we're just the pets to some four-dimensional parasite.

Randall:
Wasn't that a plot line in The Authority?

Scott:
That's very possible.

Randall:
They land in the "real earth" dimension, and figure out that there are no superheroes here because a giant invisible jellyfish is leeching all the life energy from everyone.

Jason:
Baboons are just #%$holes, is all. The physical grotesquerie just makes them that much more loathsome.

Scott:
Well that clears up a lot.

Gatzby:
They do seem to flaunt their ability to use tools more than any other creature. They're kind of like the security guards of the animal kingdom.

Randall:
I think if you met just about any primate on the street, odds are you would walk away thinking it was an #%$hole. Humans included.

Gatzby:
I don't know, capuchins are kinda cute. And anything that will dance to an organ beat is okay by me.

Randall:
So are chimps, but they will rip your %&$damn arms off if given half a chance.

Gatzby:
Which is why I carry ketamine wherever I go.

Randall:
Also, I'm not 100% capuchins are primates.

Gatzby:
I guess they could be aliens.

Randall:
Are monkeys still primates? Or am I just confusing that with apes?

Jason:
Monkeys, apes, and lemurs. All primates.

(Jason then posted a link to this story about gangs of baboons terrorizing Capetown, South Africa.)


Randall:
HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT BABOON CALLS HIMSELF FRED? That is the FAR more interesting angle to that story.

Gatzby:
Haha, I love that the google suggestions for capuchin are "capuchin monkey" "capuchin monkey for sale" "capuchin monkey for sale washington."

Randall:
If I see a roving gang of 30 baboons moving down my street pillaging %&$^, I think I'm just going to hang myself in the shower.

Jason:
Ha.

Gatzby:
THEY DID IT.

Randall:
Game over, man.

Gatzby:
THEY REALLY DID IT.

Gatzby:
YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!

Scott:
haha

Gatzby:
But yeah, seriously. I'm finding a rifle and taking out as many as I can and saving one round for myself.

Randall:
Unless you could hire that gang from last week's This American Life that comes to your town and defends you against other gangs.

Scott:
I'm picturing Randy in Planet of the Apes the first time a baboon comes up riding a horse.

Gatzby:
My last tweet is going to be a picture of the horde with "Sorry about complaining about all those other things."

Scott:
Just shaking his head and going, "I should have known. My life was building to this."

Randall:
I would just start ripping as much of my skin off as I could so as to bleed to death quickly.

Randall:
Ha @ Gatz

Gatzby:
"I'd like to apologize to @kcmetrobus for all the complaints. I've never been sexually assaulted by 30 baboons on the 8.

Randall:
"The Seattle Metropolitan Transit System, in retrospect, should not have been the focus of my negativity."

Scott:
Haha

Randall:
Beat me to it, Gatz! Although don't assume that couldn't happen on the 8 in the future.

Gatzby:
I assume it would happen on the 2, but I rule nothing out.

Randall:
@kcmetrobus: traffic is pretty backed up thru downtown, and also a pack of rapist baboons has taken over the 2.

Jason: hahaha

Jason: @kcmetrobus, it's called a troop.

But what do you think, dear reader? Are baboons the scourge of the primate world? Isn't it neat that they have dogs as pets? And would you join the resistance or opt for a quiet, dignified death when they rise up?

brianide


quality posts: 0 Private Messages brianide

Oh no, there would be no going quietly in the ape uprising. Primates may be crazy strong, but we have weapons, martial arts, and an entire history full of war and killing stuff.

Gatzby


quality posts: 43 Private Messages Gatzby
brianide wrote:Oh no, there would be no going quietly in the ape uprising. Primates may be crazy strong, but we have weapons, martial arts, and an entire history full of war and killing stuff.



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bsmith1


quality posts: 104 Private Messages bsmith1

Those baboons better not touch mah kittehs!

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
brianide wrote:Oh no, there would be no going quietly in the ape uprising. Primates may be crazy strong, but we have weapons, martial arts, and an entire history full of war and killing stuff.



I would pay to see a martial arts expert take on a baboon.

To the death, of course.

w00tgurl


quality posts: 26 Private Messages w00tgurl
bsmith1 wrote:Those baboons better not touch mah kittehs!



i know right! not MY cats. they won't go down without blood on their claws.
why does the baboon have to squish the puppy down? he's placing his entire body weight on the puppy. poor thing

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LONG LIVE WOOT CLUE 2012! r.i.p. you are miseed

tgentry


quality posts: 111 Private Messages tgentry

Staff

llandar wrote:I would pay to see a martial arts expert take on a baboon.

To the death, of course.



Hmm... this reminds me of the Man v. Bobcat debate. Who would win in a fight, an MMA expert or a full grown baboon? I would go with the baboon.

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
tgentry wrote:Hmm... this reminds me of the Man v. Bobcat debate. Who would win in a fight, an MMA expert or a full grown baboon? I would go with the baboon.



I'd have to agree.

Jeus


quality posts: 36 Private Messages Jeus

I'd only really care to watch if that man vs. wild dude went up against a baboon... I hate that guy.

Proudly tracking via WootStalker.com                                                                                                           (8:11 AM, 7/9/2010) Jeus framed the first letter of its kind

dontwantaname


quality posts: 13 Private Messages dontwantaname

Volunteer Moderator

Why did the dog have a collar ?
Do the baboons have a petco card?

WE LURV YOU TOO! Dork!!!
No greater love is lost than that not shared.

SESteve


quality posts: 15 Private Messages SESteve

I think my dog would be happier with the baboons. She loves barking at things in the middle of the night. Whether or not said things actually exist. If only I could find some baboons who would kidnap her for me.

dave bug


quality posts: 14 Private Messages dave bug
dontwantaname wrote:Why did the dog have a collar ?
Do the baboons have a petco card?



I like the idea that they would not only be shopping at PetCo, they'd have signed up for the discount card. I mean, you don't want to have to pay full price for your abducted puppy slaves.

Gatzby


quality posts: 43 Private Messages Gatzby
dave bug wrote:I like the idea that they would not only be shopping at PetCo, they'd have signed up for the discount card. I mean, you don't want to have to pay full price for your abducted puppy slaves.



Abhorrent, vile rapists they may be, but no one has ever accused a baboon of being fiscally imprudent. And lived.

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zellman


quality posts: 0 Private Messages zellman

The only thought going through my head during that movie was "Why on earth hasn't that cameraman snapped and pulled out his .22?"

Death is too kind for puppy-bashing sadist Baboons...

joshmonkey


quality posts: 3 Private Messages joshmonkey

You guys are funny. I LOL'ed on the 358 this AM (as opposed to my usual lolling).

zburntfox


quality posts: 0 Private Messages zburntfox

For some reason the story reminds me of the Nickelodeon tv show I R Baboon, and I Am Weasel that came on with Cow and Chicken.

BlindingMask


quality posts: 6 Private Messages BlindingMask

I'm going to say 200 lb man > 90 lb baboon.

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/oyama.html

Money's on this guy.

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
BlindingMask wrote:I'm going to say 200 lb man > 90 lb baboon.

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/oyama.html

Money's on this guy.



I find that poundage doesn't factor into things as much as fangs. Also, that guy killed bulls with his fist, thereby proving that a heavily-outweighed animal can still inflict fatal damage.

Gatzby


quality posts: 43 Private Messages Gatzby

I still hate baboons so much.

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