WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Pull your tuxedo t-shirt from the bottom of that pile of laundry. It's time for the awards show awaited by thousands, because it means our interminable CES 2012 coverage is finally complete. Presenting the 2012 Wootable Awards!

This year's salute comes in two parts: the star-studded, no-singing, no-dancing video extravaganza, followed by some pics-and-text bonus honors for truly sad Wootable devotees. Now, everybody, let's Wootable! Take it away, Matthew!

Now, read on for far more Wootable Awards than anyone should waste their time compiling, much less reading:

Most Unfortunate Stock Photo
Everybody at this company was probably too mature to notice, but we were startled to turn a corner and find this guy flipping us the... well, phone, it turns out. But now we can't un-see it...

 

Booth We Most Hoped Was from Frito Lay
"Silence in a chip?! Finally!" We longed for the days when our midnight Frito indulgences wouldn't wake up our wives, but alas. It was completely unrelated to chips we eat.

 

Most Unwanted Innovation
Just what America's highways need: more Facebook.

 

Grossest TV Demonstration Footage
"Guys, I found the perfect thing to show off the vivid colors and crisp picture of our new TVs: a nature show about parasitic fungi that invade and kill their insect hosts. Just fire up the infested moth carcass and watch the orders roll in."

 

Most Disturbing "Fun" Mascot
Imagine a pie smashing into a human face, forever. That's what this unsettling bro seems to be shouting at us. It's a whole new kind of "party loyalty."

 

Wisest Zen Copywriting (three-way tie)
It wouldn't be CES without the pebbles of accidental brilliance that flake off of the collision between East and West. "Inspiring Fusions" indeed.

 

Saddest Endorsement from Beyond the Grave
OK, so it's not as if House of Marley is the first outfit to make money off of Bob Marley's iconic image. His original success was aided by an army of Island Records cretins from Chris Blackwell on down. And at least House of Marley is run by his son Rohan, and gives 5% of its profits to charity. Fine. It's still a bummer to see his lyrics turned into a backdrop for business dudes hustling headphones and laptop bags.

 

Company Name We're Pretty Sure We Saw People Eat on an Episode of Iron Chef
We don't know what's in Guangdong Roule, we just know that it looked horrific and Andrew Zimmern said it tasted "nutty."

 

Most Awkward Moment in German-American Relations: "Zee Germans Are Coming."
Now we know why Germany forbids any mention of the Nazi Party: it sounds really creepy when they bring it up like this.

 

Lamest Rave Review
Like saying "incredible flavor for rat meat" or "incredible rapping for a 70-year-old white man."

 

Company Most Likely to Really Screw Up Your Supply Chain:
At Reverse Logistics, our model is simple: take your products away from your customers, ship them back to you, and clutter up your warehouse.

 

Worst Use of Sexual Suggestion (tie)
I know I sound like a stand-up comic circa 1992, but IS there even a V Spot? Where is it? What do I DO with it?

 

Worst Use of Sexual Suggestion (tie)
Uh, OK, maybe. It all depends on exactly where the rhinestones are placed.

 

Best Intentions, Worst Results
A printer that automatically prints out email for seniors, without requiring them to log in to a computer? Sounds great, until you have to explain to Grandma what GET L0NG3R 4 HER ALL N1TE means.

 

Most Oxymoronic Company Name
"Noisehush? Innovation you can hear? So, if I can hear it, does that mean the hush part doesn't work? I'm confused."

 

Most Unsettling Mannequin
Sometimes you aim for "whimsical" and hit "terrifying". That's the mannequin biz.

 

Least Desirable Mental Image Conjured
Nothing sells product like nostalgia. Remember that time you sat down in some indeterminate pool of goo? Maybe they just couldn't find a good acronym that hadn't been taken. "GOOSAT" doesn't even vaguely imply "Globalsat International Technology Ltd."

 

Company Name Most Likely to be the Name of an Upcoming Pokemon
Go, muRata! I choose you!

 

Most Illegible Display
Have you been wandering the Las Vegas Convention Center during CES wishing you could get away to a remote wilderness and live in your own log cabin? You HAVE?! Well, good luck getting any info off this verbose 11-point display hanging below waist height!

 

Simplest Aggravation Eliminator
"Hi, honey, it's Mom. Could you come over and look at my phone again? For some reason it just won't hold a charge."

 

Most Fiendish Booth Giveaway
Oldest trick in the book. First you get 'em hooked on your branded energy dri- er, "dietary supplement". Then you sell 'em the bag that charges their devices on the go.

 

"Low Hanging Fruit" Award for the Joke That Most Easily Writes Itself
C'mon, guys. Drop the i already.

 

Thanks everybody! Our CES 2012 coverage now ends its broadcast day. We'll do it all again next year, unless we're lucky enough to move on to bigger and better things, like drowning in a kayaking accident.

stingray69


quality posts: 4 Private Messages stingray69

"Reverse Logistics". I wonder at what point in the Expo they realized how badly they named their company.

bsmith1


quality posts: 105 Private Messages bsmith1

So... is that supposed to be an afro on the "Be Fun" mascot?

digitalguru


quality posts: 0 Private Messages digitalguru

Thanks for that guys -- well done -- and fun. (Makes you completely not care how utterly devoid of any interesting electronics info it is! Mission accomplished.) Gotta love Woot!

MV10


quality posts: 0 Private Messages MV10

About half of the pictures aren't loading for me (latest Firefox)...

Dex15


quality posts: 4 Private Messages Dex15

"Reverse Logistics". Hehe. I would like to know how they tried to justify that one; how that seemed like a good idea to them. It sounds like one of those overly generic names gone wrong.


My Grandma actually had one of those Presto printers for a couple of years (until she passed away a few years ago). It was a whitelist system so there was no spam. She really liked it.
-Dex

shhayes


quality posts: 1 Private Messages shhayes

I finally caught up with the CES videos and imagine my shock when I put 1+1 together and figured out I actually shared a monorail ride with the Woot! team. Now my curiosity as to why the bearded guy was wearing a Woot! shirt is quenched.

Of course it was an infamous ride in which one of our fellow monorailites took it upon himself to entertain the car with 'what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs' jokes. I think we were one stop away from dead baby jokes the way things were going.

matthew


quality posts: 20 Private Messages matthew

The whole Woot CES blog team was on that ride. Man, the guy had a comedic style all his own.

"WHY THE BIG PAWS!?"

I wish we'd gotten his act on video.

Jason Toon


quality posts: 19 Private Messages Jason Toon
shhayes wrote:I finally caught up with the CES videos and imagine my shock when I put 1+1 together and figured out I actually shared a monorail ride with the Woot! team. Now my curiosity as to why the bearded guy was wearing a Woot! shirt is quenched.

Of course it was an infamous ride in which one of our fellow monorailites took it upon himself to entertain the car with 'what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs' jokes. I think we were one stop away from dead baby jokes the way things were going.



I was THIS close to busting out the one about the constipated mathematician.

itlnstln


quality posts: 0 Private Messages itlnstln

Maybe I'm sick, but I didn't really notice the guy in the first pic flipping the bird. I was a little more concerned about what he was doing with the other hand. It looks like he's having a good time with his iExtend.

llandar


quality posts: 32 Private Messages llandar
shhayes wrote:I finally caught up with the CES videos and imagine my shock when I put 1+1 together and figured out I actually shared a monorail ride with the Woot! team. Now my curiosity as to why the bearded guy was wearing a Woot! shirt is quenched.

Of course it was an infamous ride in which one of our fellow monorailites took it upon himself to entertain the car with 'what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs' jokes. I think we were one stop away from dead baby jokes the way things were going.



I was that bearded guy. And thanks to the infectious spores my beard released into the crowded monorail car, soon you will be too.

AzJerry


quality posts: 0 Private Messages AzJerry
Dex15 wrote:"Reverse Logistics". Hehe. I would like to know how they tried to justify that one; how that seemed like a good idea to them. It sounds like one of those overly generic names gone wrong.

-Dex



Had to return a laptop for repairs last year. The website of the company that handled the service for SquareTrade proudly proclaimed their capabilities in "Reverse Logistics". First time I ever saw that phrase.

dskizzy


quality posts: 0 Private Messages dskizzy

Woot, thanks for the publicity, but you should know better, you are a MEMBER of the Reverse Logistics Association [RLA] and came to our conference last year: http://rltshows.com/attendee_list.php?show=true&showid=vegas2010 --at least "Vendor Development", "Director of Purchasing", "Director of Marketing", and "Advertising Sales Manager" all attended, maybe they should have brought you along too.. Reverse Logistics is what happens to a product after it is sold, or consumed. Recycling is the most well known example. The Reverse Logistics Association, is made up of members (such as Woot, UPS, Dell, Best Buy, Walmart, etc [OEMs, Retailers, and Third Party Service Providers]), and these members get together to solve problems, like how to get damaged products back, and what to do with them once they are returned, and maybe even what a company does with 10,000 heaters [sell them on Woot] (Did you know that there is a company that takes plastic grocery bags and turns them into landscape paving bricks?) Your suppliers, AND your competitors, are members of the Reverse Logistics Association, and we look forward to meeting up with you guys at the RLA conference next month, bring the flying monkeys, we'll have the football party!

[Full Disclosure: I do some contract work for the Reverse Logistics Association, and am affiliated with them, but my opinions are mine alone and do not necessarily reflect other RLA partners, or the association at large, any mistakes in my information are mine alone, and you now owe me a flying monkey]

caffeine_dude


quality posts: 13 Private Messages caffeine_dude
Simplest Aggravation Eliminator
"Hi, honey, it's Mom. Could you come over and look at my phone again? For some reason it just won't hold a charge."


In my house we use a single wrap of colored electrical tape around each phone charger. Saved me years of explaining why the phone went dead again.
(our phone chargers are very close in port size but they do not cross charge for some reason)

Please don't delete this post, I am trying, honest!