WootBot


quality posts: 15 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

Poets always say, “If you love something, set it free.” But they’re poets, so who knows what the heck they’re talking about. Probably birds or flowers or something. What I’m getting at here is that poets should never run businesses, because in business, if you love something, you overpay it so that it stays. It’s the people you don’t love that you should “set free.” Like, for example, if you accidentally hire a bunch of poets.


There are many names for this process: firing, terminating, dismissing, letting go, canning, preforming open-business surgery, giving Donna her final curtsy, snipping the fat, trimming the scissors, letting bygones be career enders, melting army men, making Swedish on your promise, docking sail, mixing pepper with oregano, magnifying before you start Jaguar-ifying, etc., etc. What’s important isn’t what you call it; it’s how you do it.

Well, we here at the Sean University of Business Management Development Leadership had to go through this complicated process recently when new Dean-Chancellor of the Provost’s Office, Weaselfork, never even showed up for work. And since the whole thing is fresh in our minds, we thought we would share some tips in case you need to give some Donna at your company her last curtsy:

1. Put a fish tank in the room where you do your firing. Also, don’t let anyone use that room unless it’s for firing. That way the fired party will be more likely to seek retribution against the fish than against you. Because think about it: you’re the boss, so they saw you every day, but those fish? They were only there for the firing part. Suspicious!

2. When telling a person that he or she has been let go, speak with a Russian accent. This’ll help in two ways: 1) Russian accents are funny so it’ll soften the blow; and 2) the person will be, like, “Whoa, wait! All along the boss was Russian and I didn’t even notice? Jeez, maybe I don’t deserve to keep this job.”

3. Make sure everyone you fire signs a No Traveling Back In Time To Save Your Employment Agreement before leaving. Because, c’mon, we’re talking about people who couldn’t handle a simple job. The last thing you wants is them getting behind the wheel of a time machine!

4. Cleaning out a workspace can be a sad, time-consuming ordeal, but only if the person who’s doing the cleaning is the person who just got fired. If you hire someone else to clean out fired people’s desks, there won’t be all those sad nostalgic moments. Now, as far as who to hire, you’ll want someone with recent of desk-cleaning experience at a respectable business. Maybe consider someone you’ve fired yourself. In fact, if you hire the person you’re in the middle of firing to clean out his own desk, he won’t have to leave, which means he won’t have to clean out anything, which means the process won’t take him any time at all, which means he won’t be doing much work, which means he’s really not necessary to your business’s success, which means you should probably let him go.

Well, that's it for the general advice. But, as usual, I am available to help you each individually. In the comments, tell me about someone you need to fire, and I'll tell you how to do it tactfully!

oo7slice


quality posts: 0 Private Messages oo7slice

I need to fire myself but don't know how to do it. I've been wanting a new job for the past few years, but I still have the same teaching job that I had years ago. I've even turned down a job offer for the job I wanted because it was only guaranteed for 1 year. In this economy, I stayed with the sure thing instead of taking a chance. But I'm tired of not taking the chance. However, my family needs my income. So how do I fire myself?

mlebaa


quality posts: 2 Private Messages mlebaa

I think you need to tactfully fire your proofreader.

nparus


quality posts: 1 Private Messages nparus

A terrible poem to describe our dilemma:

On St. Patrick’s Day we hired a poet
To write limericks to help sell our gadget
His humor sublime
Took way too much time
So now we must give him the hatchet

Moony

constantvelocitty


quality posts: 0 Private Messages constantvelocitty
mlebaa wrote:I think you need to tactfully fire your proofreader.



If you understand what was said; why the need for additional "proofreading"?

don't "let bygones be career enders"

constantvelocitty


quality posts: 0 Private Messages constantvelocitty
oo7slice wrote:I need to fire myself but don't know how to do it. I've been wanting a new job for the past few years, but I still have the same teaching job that I had years ago. I've even turned down a job offer for the job I wanted because it was only guaranteed for 1 year. In this economy, I stayed with the sure thing instead of taking a chance. But I'm tired of not taking the chance. However, my family needs my income. So how do I fire myself?



The economy is finally [actually] recovering. I would keep looking as more companies will be hiring soon. Aren't economic depressions fun! If you can be a teacher you can do anything.

constantvelocitty


quality posts: 0 Private Messages constantvelocitty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zwABievfNw

jgribb1


quality posts: 0 Private Messages jgribb1

2. When telling a person that he or she has been let go, speak with a Russian accent. This’ll help in two ways: 1) Russian accents are funny so it’ll soften the blow;

I always thought Klingon would be more appropriate "letting go" language to speak in.

I want my Baby Back ribs!!!!!

motospyder


quality posts: 16 Private Messages motospyder

jgribb1 said:

I always thought Klingon would be more appropriate "letting go" language to speak in.


I agree. But unless you can say "Patowk" like a Klingon, the effect is lost.
Go ahead, practice. It's fun.
Then, drink some blood wine and you will feel like one of the Durass sisters.

dseanadams


quality posts: 0 Private Messages dseanadams
oo7slice wrote:I need to fire myself but don't know how to do it. I've been wanting a new job for the past few years, but I still have the same teaching job that I had years ago. I've even turned down a job offer for the job I wanted because it was only guaranteed for 1 year. In this economy, I stayed with the sure thing instead of taking a chance. But I'm tired of not taking the chance. However, my family needs my income. So how do I fire myself?



Before work in the morning, tell yourself, "It's not about you, it's about me, who is you, so maybe it is about you, because we are one, you and me who is you..." and keep going back and forth like this until you eventually miss whole day of work. Then you won't have to fire yourself! Someone else will do it for you!

mlebaa wrote:I think you need to tactfully fire your proofreader.



Hee's iz gown 4eever! thankyou forr ur produktive, hlepfull post!!!

nparus wrote:A terrible poem to describe our dilemma:

On St. Patrick’s Day we hired a poet
To write limericks to help sell our gadget
His humor sublime
Took way too much time
So now we must give him the hatchet



Honestly, if you're talking in limericks, it's already too late. Your business has been infected. You just need to shut down and start over from the beginning. That's all I can say to you; honestly, I'm risking everything just by responding at all. So you should email anyone, nor should you call.

Wait... did that... rhyme??? NOOOOOO!!!!! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!

constantvelocitty wrote:If you understand what was said; why the need for additional "proofreading"?



You're my favorite.

jimgraffam


quality posts: 1 Private Messages jimgraffam

Awesome piece. As a follow-up, I would enjoy understanding the University's stance on what happens after Donna's final cursey.

For example, how much of the situation can be blamed on Donna, under what circumstances, and for how long?

For those of us who are left behind in the wake of Donna's open business surgery are left holding the bag and need to survive in this dog-eat-dog world after all.