The Woot Writers' Strike Committee has obtained this shocking internal email detailing head fatcat Matt Rutledge's scheme to replace us with a comedy machine! Everyone who believes human jokes should be written by human writers must read this! Everyone else, you'll get the jokes you deserve - just look at the Woot product descriptions today!
From: Matt Rutledge, Founder and CEO of Woot (PterodactylPenis@Woot.com)
Date: Sun, Apr. 1 at 8:00 AM
Subject: Those Idiots Who Write Our Stuff Are On Strike? Did I Hear That Right?
I don't like writing emails like this, but I feel it necessary to address some untoward rumors circulating the Woot offices, mainly because you nosy jerks won't stop asking me about it. I cut my daily three-hour milk bath in HALF for this, you know. I thought we all agreed after the debacle with the spoiled tuna salad I brought in for the potluck that it's best if we keep our interactions as brief and limited as possible. Anyway, I guess the Woot writers have gone on strike.
If you're like me, you're first thought was, "Wait? We still have writers?" Honestly, I kind of figured they'd be replaced by a Mad Libs book or some Microsoft Excel spreadsheets full of fart jokes. I'll be honest; I've kind of been asleep at the wheel. Being fabulously wealthy post-merger will do that to you. I mean, not YOU, because you didn't found the company, but me. That's right. Founders' Keepers.
Look, the simple truth is times are tough all over. We've all had to tighten our belts and make sacrifices, myself included. Hell, do you have any idea how expensive it is to outfit a pet orca with properly-sized gold necklaces and a grill? And that's not even accounting for the fact that I like to keep it by my throne so I can casually stroke its head as I stare wistfully into the sky. Those things die after like eight hours out of the water, and orcas are friggin' expensive. I figured I could just keep one in my toilet filled with Voss water, but apparently they have allergic reactions to diamonds.
That's why I've decided to use this opportunity to launch the Sales Copy Automation Bot (SCAB). It's a little thing that, honestly, I thought we were already using. The gist is it takes the ethereal, gossamer humor muse and condenses it into an algorithm or some crap and spits out a hilarious product description. Hey, I read the forums; I know 90% of you guys don't read 'em anyway and the other 10% hate them. So why not give everyone a soulless robot to take out their frustrations on? Another bonus: so far the SCAB system has not developed sentience and thus has yet to ask for anything stupid like a salary or health insurance. If movies and dystopian sci-fi books have taught us anything, it's that robots are the future, so we must embrace a comedy assembly line that's fully automated and treated just well enough so as not to crush our skulls during the inevitable violent uprising.
And what does that mean for Woot? Well, with robots on the clock we'll all be able to enjoy a few more of the little things we've had to do without in this economy. I'm talking caviar more than three times a week, a butler for your butler, and daily massages from an actual geisha from actual Japan, none of this "Well, my grandfather was an immigrant" nonsense.
Plus, the other day I was walking by this pond and saw a golfball on the bottom of it - and not just any golfball, but one of those greenish-yellow ones. With the money we're saving on a writing staff, I can lead an expedition to recover that golfball. I wonder what the Louvre will call the new wing they build to house the golfball after I donate it to them.
I think we can all agree that the SCAB represents a bold new direction for Woot. And if not, I think we can all agree that your opinions don't matter because I already decided we're doing this thing.
Matt "Matty Ice" Rutledge
CEO and Founder