WootBot


quality posts: 14 Private Messages WootBot

Staff

The Woot Writers' Strike Committee has obtained this shocking internal email detailing head fatcat Matt Rutledge's scheme to replace us with a comedy machine! Everyone who believes human jokes should be written by human writers must read this! Everyone else, you'll get the jokes you deserve - just look at the Woot product descriptions today!

From: Matt Rutledge, Founder and CEO of Woot (PterodactylPenis@Woot.com)
Date: Sun, Apr. 1 at 8:00 AM
Subject: Those Idiots Who Write Our Stuff Are On Strike? Did I Hear That Right?
To: Company

Hey Woot, 

I don't like writing emails like this, but I feel it necessary to address some untoward rumors circulating the Woot offices, mainly because you nosy jerks won't stop asking me about it. I cut my daily three-hour milk bath in HALF for this, you know. I thought we all agreed after the debacle with the spoiled tuna salad I brought in for the potluck that it's best if we keep our interactions as brief and limited as possible. Anyway, I guess the Woot writers have gone on strike. 

If you're like me, you're first thought was, "Wait? We still have writers?" Honestly, I kind of figured they'd be replaced by a Mad Libs book or some Microsoft Excel spreadsheets full of fart jokes. I'll be honest; I've kind of been asleep at the wheel. Being fabulously wealthy post-merger will do that to you. I mean, not YOU, because you didn't found the company, but me. That's right. Founders' Keepers.

Look, the simple truth is times are tough all over. We've all had to tighten our belts and make sacrifices, myself included. Hell, do you have any idea how expensive it is to outfit a pet orca with properly-sized gold necklaces and a grill? And that's not even accounting for the fact that I like to keep it by my throne so I can casually stroke its head as I stare wistfully into the sky. Those things die after like eight hours out of the water, and orcas are friggin' expensive. I figured I could just keep one in my toilet filled with Voss water, but apparently they have allergic reactions to diamonds.


That's why I've decided to use this opportunity to launch the Sales Copy Automation Bot (SCAB). It's a little thing that, honestly, I thought we were already using. The gist is it takes the ethereal, gossamer humor muse and condenses it into an algorithm or some crap and spits out a hilarious product description. Hey, I read the forums; I know 90% of you guys don't read 'em anyway and the other 10% hate them. So why not give everyone a soulless robot to take out their frustrations on? Another bonus: so far the SCAB system has not developed sentience and thus has yet to ask for anything stupid like a salary or health insurance. If movies and dystopian sci-fi books have taught us anything, it's that robots are the future, so we must embrace a comedy assembly line that's fully automated and treated just well enough so as not to crush our skulls during the inevitable violent uprising.

And what does that mean for Woot? Well, with robots on the clock we'll all be able to enjoy a few more of the little things we've had to do without in this economy. I'm talking caviar more than three times a week, a butler for your butler, and daily massages from an actual geisha from actual Japan, none of this "Well, my grandfather was an immigrant" nonsense. 

Plus, the other day I was walking by this pond and saw a golfball on the bottom of it - and not just any golfball, but one of those greenish-yellow ones. With the money we're saving on a writing staff, I can lead an expedition to recover that golfball. I wonder what the Louvre will call the new wing they build to house the golfball after I donate it to them.

I think we can all agree that the SCAB represents a bold new direction for Woot. And if not, I think we can all agree that your opinions don't matter because I already decided we're doing this thing. 

Much love,

Matt "Matty Ice" Rutledge
CEO and Founder
Woot

 

 

 

madcow19


quality posts: 10 Private Messages madcow19

Funny, but I'm getting out of here now, before the "Where's my EFFING Bunnies Ogling Carrots" crowd gets here...

haveabigjohnson


quality posts: 10 Private Messages haveabigjohnson

What Tiny Flowers? Bunnies Ogling Carrots

pernst


quality posts: 1 Private Messages pernst

woot! Bunnies Ogling Carrots

novastarj


quality posts: 30 Private Messages novastarj

We love you Woot writers! You deserve better.

tanzmehr


quality posts: 0 Private Messages tanzmehr

yay!

apollyon67


quality posts: 0 Private Messages apollyon67

round and round we go. Is everyone having fun yet?

DarthMaul


quality posts: 0 Private Messages DarthMaul

Is the game afoot?
Are there any clues anywhere?

fldeals


quality posts: 24 Private Messages fldeals

Strike! Strike! Strike!


ypmhammer


quality posts: 0 Private Messages ypmhammer

Not sure about this new direction, but I'll support Woot however I can - especially if they throw in a Bunnies Ogling Carrots

renwald


quality posts: 0 Private Messages renwald

Strike!

ericleer


quality posts: 0 Private Messages ericleer
DarthMaul wrote:Is the game afoot?
Are there any clues anywhere?



Someone noted, the timestamp on the actual letter, is for 8AM on April 1st.

You're either on the bus, or off the bus.

~ Ken Kesey

sste0390


quality posts: 6 Private Messages sste0390

... I don't get it!!! Where are the bunnies oggling carrots?!?!?!

katjim00


quality posts: 7 Private Messages katjim00
ericleer wrote:Someone noted, the timestamp on the actual letter, is for 8AM on April 1st.



Oooh... now to remember that in 8 hours!

ypmhammer


quality posts: 0 Private Messages ypmhammer

I tried sending an e-mail to PterodactylPenis@Woot.com but it came back with an error message.

wgundammikezero


quality posts: 1 Private Messages wgundammikezero

8 am maybe the secret hmmm

devyanks90


quality posts: 4 Private Messages devyanks90
ypmhammer wrote:I tried sending an e-mail to PterodactylPenis@Woot.com but it came back with an error message.


Yay, I'm not the only person to do that.

long live woottv

dinwitt


quality posts: 0 Private Messages dinwitt

It seems there's a chicken and egg problem here. The Woot writers are going on strike because Matt Rutledge is bringing in the SCABs, but he's bringing in the SCABs because the woot writers are going on strike.

Jertyrael


quality posts: 21 Private Messages Jertyrael

So, what, the writers want a cost of living raise? Give it to them. SCAB sucks!

"Woot and all our various sites will continue to be an independently operated company full of horrible, useless products and an untalented jerkface writing staff, same as it ever was." -- Matt Rutledge

wackieiraqee


quality posts: 0 Private Messages wackieiraqee

I am so greedy and frustrated right now.

killians


quality posts: 0 Private Messages killians

nice thanks got one

inod3


quality posts: 6 Private Messages inod3

8am? Lol, you haven't found it yet? It's sore to be sold out by 8am. Congrats to those who are more clever.

sthiede


quality posts: 0 Private Messages sthiede

go go go

threat


quality posts: 1 Private Messages threat

Be weary, its the first.

Bunnies Ogling Carrots Count: 1 :'(

keyserbones


quality posts: 3 Private Messages keyserbones

Wait, how can we tell the writers are on strike. Product description seems like the same old recycled stuff they put out every day. Just kidding, love the WOOT! writers, bring them back.

Buy teh ticket, take teh ride

mrobey614


quality posts: 1 Private Messages mrobey614

ok where is it????

FoolScott


quality posts: 3 Private Messages FoolScott

I'm stupid. Someone help.

msruru


quality posts: 15 Private Messages msruru

Help! I never get these

shortman


quality posts: 41 Private Messages shortman

mmotes


quality posts: 0 Private Messages mmotes

woot! Bunnies Ogling Carrots

Duckman714


quality posts: 0 Private Messages Duckman714

Any help on the carrots?

jeffguay


quality posts: 0 Private Messages jeffguay

I am so lost

budfan2004


quality posts: 0 Private Messages budfan2004

hi

rlj1010


quality posts: 12 Private Messages rlj1010

please stop effing with us, and give us the crap.

billlehecka


quality posts: 2 Private Messages billlehecka

Anyone else find it ironic that the Woot Writers used WootBot to post a letter that they are going to be replaced by SCAB bots?

rooty66


quality posts: 0 Private Messages rooty66

Strike? Oh no! Bring back the woot writers!

jpawmsu


quality posts: 3 Private Messages jpawmsu
rooty66 wrote:Strike? Oh no! Bring back the woot writers!




I think I have it figured out now but I dont have any carp.

heasays


quality posts: 5 Private Messages heasays

Funny, a "Haier" Portable Air Conditioner.
My mom has one of these in her house, since it's older and doesn't have central a/c & heat. It works pretty well, but please note it only cools up to about 400-500 sq feet. Would be very useful in a garage turned man cave!

autoclave


quality posts: 1 Private Messages autoclave

Dangerous to put a robot in charge, they have a tendency to go insane and start doing crazy things like changing ad-copy, adjusting items for sale or killing all humans.

shortman


quality posts: 41 Private Messages shortman

Get them Woot Writers back Woot! Comon!