There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.
1. The Mayflower vs. Bird Seed in terms of Throwing The Craziest Party This Town’s Ever Seen
This really depends on what town you’re talking about. If it’s Plymouth, Pennsylvania, they’ve seen what kind of party the Mayflower can bring. On the other hand, Bodega Bay, California has already experienced the party that bird seed can inspire, which is a party with a lot of birds (and really, that’s a party they probably don’t want to throw again). What I’m getting at is “throwing the craziest party this town’s ever seen” is not a simple task. It requires much research into the town in question’s history in order for you, the thrower, to determine whether or not the local citizens have, in fact, seen such a crazy party.
Advantage:
It’s a toss up
2. Fumes vs. A Mix Tape in terms of A Dubious Omen
Fumes often indicate things that have already occurred – the pilot light on your stove went out, your car’s exhaust system has given up, you fed your dog the wrong thing, etc. – and therefore cannot be omens. A mix tape – and by “tape,” I’m talking about an actual cassette – is an indicator of something: that the person who made it is one of those hipsters who cares more about appearing cool and ironic than he does about sound quality. Which is to say, a mix tape is a very dubious omen, indeed. It foreshadows an inevitable and unpleasant revelation: that its maker is kind of a tool.
Advantage (if you can really call it an advantage):
A Mix Tape
3. Butter vs. A Paper Cutter in terms of Making a Young Lady’s Heart Flutter
The problem with a paper cutter is they make lots of clutter, and a young lady’s heart doesn’t flutter for clutter, unless she’s a nutter. No, butter from the udder is better to get her. Just mutter, “here’s some butter,” and be sure not stutter, and young lady’s heart will surely flutter as she will see that you plan to bake her a cookie (or three) and as we all know, cookies are the keys to wooing all the young ladies.
Advantage:
Butter
For last week's arguments, the Rebuttal of the Week goes to user dukeofwulf, who presents a simple yet flawless argument as to why a license trumps a canoe in terms of learning to tie your shoes:
Two points in favor of the Marriage License:
1. "Tying the knot" could serve as inspiration for learning to do it for realsies.
2. Having a spouse means what's yours is theirs. That means your shoes are actually their shoes. It's in your spouse's best interest to keep their shoes tied so you don't go around stepping on the laces and ripping the shoes up. They'll either teach you how to do it, or you'll see them do it enough times that you'll pick it up eventually.
Conclusion? Marriage License.
Sometimes the most complicated argument wins; other times the most concise argument wins. Why? Because Completely Unfair Comparisons is an equal opportunity blog feature! So go ahead: try to argue with one of the above 3 comparisons and see how you fare next week!
Photos: "Uncertainty" by flickr user, nicubunu.photo; Photo of tape by flickr user, supernative; "Melting butter" by flickr user, tarale. All used under a Creative Commons License.
