Woot! - One Day, One Deal

The United States of Songs: Oklahoma

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:00:00 -0600

Each week The United States of Songs tries to find a new song to perfectly describe a state in the union. Sometimes I like to take things in a completely new direction for the place, other times the best song on the table just happens to already be the state song. You're up, Sooner State!

The state: Oklahoma
The song: "Oklahoma!" by Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein II

Come on. How can you NOT like this song? It was the first and only real option to pop into my head when I considered a song for Oklahoma; of course it doesn't hurt that my father-in-law is producing the play of the same name for his local community theatre and I've been hearing my wife and her family sing it off and on for two months. It's been fresh in my mind is all I'm saying.

Confession time: I don't like Oklahoma. Not the musical, the musical's fine. I've not had a good experience in the state, though. I should point out my wife repeatedly reminds me it's not fair to judge a state by the people who live closest to the interstate, and that's a valid point, but yeesh. Feel free to clue me in, Sooners, what ARE the redeeming qualities of your state?

"If you don't like the weather in Oklahoma, wait 10 minutes and you'll be dead anyway."

I mean, the song does a pretty good job of painting it as a rolling prairie, wholesome and rustic in its beauty. But the song's a little outdated, although I know plenty of you guys still wear cowboy hats (what is it with cowboy hats? Not in Oklahoma, I mean in general) I don't think it's quite all ranch hands and hoedowns any more.

Still, you can't argue with a classic show tune. And it's enough to conjure a positive mental image of Oklahoma in my mind as I imagine plodding along on a horse across a dusty, sun-baked ridge towards a farmhouse. I'll take it.

Runner-up: "Dear Okie" by Doye O'Dell
Most Laughable Suggestion: "Beim alten Bill in Oklahoma" by Heino

Want to defend Oklahoma's honor? Got a better idea for a state song? You know what to do!

Flickr photo nssl0054 by NOAA Photo Library used under a Creative Commons License.

Flash In The Brain Pan: Kung-Fu Grandpa

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:00:00 -0600

Did you play any fighting game before Street Fighter II? Or have you ever played a Nintendo? If you answered yes, then you know what you have to do with Kung-Fu Grandpa. Like an elderly Shinobi, he's gonna clear the streets and you've gotta help him.

That old man is you, and youthful butt is what you're gonna be kicking. They'll come from the right AND the left and they'll be enjoyably multicultural when they do. Because this Grandpa isn't a racist, no siree. He only discriminates based on age.

You'll fight your way through common thugs, sometimes in a group and sometimes mano-y-mano. Occasionally they'll drop sodas and money that offer you power and cash. Spend that cash on skill boosts and you'll find it easier to kill the level bosses when they show up. We'll warn you now… they're tough.

But even if you lose at first, don't give up! In later levels the Kung-Fu Grandpa gets weapons, and the first time you beat some young so-and-so with what looks like a golf club, you're gonna understand the elderly a little better. There's a great joy in smackin' down a young and disrespectful fool, and today you're gonna get to feel it! Follow the way of the grey warrior and impose your will on the disorder that is modern life with Kung-Fu Grandpa. But please, hit the mute button. Nobody wants to hear that noise they're calling music these days. It's not like it used to be, boy, people used to know what quality was all about! Did we ever tell you about the street where we grew up? Oh, everyone was so respectful and wore hats, and then one day, when the ice man was making a delivery... hey, did you stop paying attention? How disrespectful! You're what's wrong with the current generation, you are.

Kelty Versatile Chair – 2 pack - $12.99

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:00:08 -0600

Middle Ground

The great part about a Kelty Versatile Chair is that nobody knows what side you’re on.

See, I’m the sort of person who likes to cover all the bases in life. I can understand why some people might hold a “sit-in” now and then, but I also like capitalism too! So when I go out to an event, I use the Kelty Versatile Chair to make sure I can fit in, no matter what the situation.

If I’m down at the local protest, the 600-D Polyester mini-ripstop and Oxford fabrics let me hold my ground comfortably. I’ll be able to yell “Right on!” and “Power to the people!” with the best of them, while saving wear-and-tear on my legs. But if the cops show up? Why, I just pull out a business magazine from the attached mesh pocket and say “Oh, wow, this isn’t the line for Jimmy Buffett tickets, officer?” And then I quickly collapse it, grab one of the dual carry handles, and get the heck out of there before the trouble starts.

Meanwhile, if I actually am in line for Jimmy Buffett tickets, the Kelty Versatile Chair keeps me comfortable. I can use the adjustable webbing side straps to move between different positions, while still keeping the style you expect from a high-rolling Parrothead. Plus, since this Kelty Versatile Chair comes in a two-pack, I can set up a second and pretend my buddy just ran off for a snack! Then I just set a price, make a few posts online, and boom, I’ve auctioned off the seat to the highest bidder! Take that, TIcketmorons! Score one for the common man!

What do you mean that’s immoral? Oh, so you’ll try to bring down the entire global stock market but getting cash for an extra ticket is somehow unethical? Man, whatever. Get out of my Kelty Versatile Chair two pack and mind your own business before I hit you with my Forbes.

Warranty: 1 Year American Recreation

Condition: New

Features:

Always have a comfortable place to sit with this lightweight and portable camping chair
Adjustable webbing side straps let you angle the seat to different comfortable positions
Closed-cell foam construction with aluminum stays and dual carry handles for easy transport
Mesh pocket stows supplies like magazines, guide books, and sunscreen
Made from durable poly ripstop and poly oxford
PVC-free

Technical Specifications:

Weight: 1 lb / 0.5 kg
Seat Width: 19.5 in / 50 cm
Seat Depth: 18 in / 46 cm
Seat Height: 18 in / 46 cm
Frame Material: 1” Composite Stays
Body Fabric: 600D polyester mini-ripstop

Additional Photos:

In the box: (2) Kelty Lightweight Versatile Chairs

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Price: $12.99

I want one!

Sean University: Love in a time of Business

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 12:05:00 -0600

Chances are your employees interact with only two things: computers and other employees. Well, with all that interaction, one thing can lead to another and next thing you know, you’ve got an office romance on your hands. If you’re lucky, it’s a relationship between a person and a computer, because computers get off on efficiency, so a person-to-computer fling will just involve a lot of hard-work, long hours, and giggly typing.

However, if two people get into an office romance, things can get touchy because they’ll not only distract each other; they’ll distract their coworkers as well. That’s why, as the head of the business, you need to set down some rules to discourage relationships in the workplace. This might seem complicated, but don’t worry! We here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership are specialists in business, love, and refrigerator repair (the last one’s not so important here, but we just wanted to let you know)! So, without further ado, here are some tips for keeping romance out of your office:

1. Instate a strict scary mask policy. That way, your employees won’t know if their coworkers are a) attractive, b) not so attractive, or c) fugitives on the run from the law taking shelter in your workplace. (To give option c some weight, maybe let in a few fugitives? Just a thought.)

2. When hiring, screen out candidates with strong immune systems. Think about it: no one wants to get all kiss-kiss-touch-touch with someone who’s constantly sneezing! That’s gross! How do you screen for this? It’s easy. Before the job interview, get a cold yourself. Then cough on the candidate, kill some time asking questions (10-15 hours minimum), and look for signs of illness (fatigue, loss of voice, etc.).

3. Walk through your entire office everyday crying audibly. It’s a real mood killer for the lovebirds.

4. One work relationship that ends in a blood feud will send a clear message to the whole office. How do you cause a blood feud? Once again, it goes back to hiring. The best blood feud-starting-employees are married to jealous and/or violent spouses and prone to infidelity. During the interview, ask a few questions about the candidate’s home life, but be sure to give it a work-related spin so you don’t sound like you’re prying. For example: “describe a particularly challenging or sexy situation you encountered in work or in life and discuss how you were able to overcome or give in to it” or “If you had to name one strength for each time your husband enacted revenge on someone who had wronged him in the last 10 years, how many strengths would you name?”

5. Remember the only 100% effective way to stop romantic relationships from happening is to stop all relationships from happening. That’s why it’s important to give your employees their own offices. With their own private entrances. And their own private kitchens and bathrooms. And no windows.

This pretty much covers ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING having to do with office romances (and how to avoid them), but as usual, I'm available for questions in the comments.

Archos 101 G9 Turbo

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:00:01 -0600

One Day, One Deal

You asked for it, and now we’re giving it to you! Starting today Woot sells nothing but tablets!

You guys wanted this, right? Like, that’s what you were trying to tell us when you posted to the forums and on our Facebook wall saying, “Great, another tablet,” right? You were saying you wanted more of them, correct?

Well, we sure hope so! Because we’ve already cleared out the warehouse and filled it with NOTHING. BUT. TABLETS. And we’re not talking about a whole bunch of different kinds of tablets either. No, it’s all Archos 101 G9 Tablets, all the time! So get ready world! Because it’s a whole new Woot!

And we mean all of Woot! You like Kids.Woot? Well we hope your kids like 10.1” capacitive four point multitouch screens! How about Home.Woot? What, do you think you can’t use a fast ARM Dual-Core CORTEX A9 OMAP4 processor running at 1.5GHz inside your home? Wine.Woot? I taste notes of 8gb storage capacity and Android 3.2 Honeycomb. Sellout? Moofi? Where do you think we’re going to sell the Archos 101 G9 Tablets that we don’t sell on the other sites?

To be clear, Shirt.Woot will still sell shirts. Except, instead of printing them, we’re just going to tape Archos 101 G9 Tablets displaying the day’s design onto blank tee-shirts. Now how expensive does $12 sound, eh?

And if you guys think you’re excited, you should see the looks on the faces of us writers! Because if there’s one kind of product we never run out of ideas for, it’s tablets. To give you just a taste of what you’re in for, take a gander at this hilarious writeup told from the perspective of a high school principal whose high school is actually on a boat:

“Wow, this Archos 101 G9 Tablet really helps me keep my school afloat!”

And that’s actually all we have written so far. But hey, whatever! Newark wasn’t built in a day, right? We’ve all got a lot of work ahead of us, but if we all do our part, we could really make something beautiful here.

So rejoice, Woot community! Today is your day! Today is the day we finally listened and gave you just what you wanted!

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 1 Year Archos

Condition: New

Features:

Fast ARM Dual-Core CORTEX A9 OMAP4 processor running at 1.5GHz
Android 3.2 Honeycomb with Google’s suite of Android Applications
10.1” capacitive four point multitouch screen with 1280 x 800 resolution
Film your fun moments and share them instantly with the 720p forward facing camera
8GB storage capacity to fit your needs
Play out your favorite videos on a large screen TV with the HDMI out connection (cable not included)
Wi-Fi (802.11 b/g/n) and Bluetooth 2.1+ EDR connectivity
Upgrade to 3G with the patented Archos G9 3G stick (not included)

Additional Photos:

Specifications:
Capacity:	Internal: 8GB Flash Memory External: microSDHC Slot (Up to 32GB)
Display:	10.1" TFT LCD High Resolution Capacitive Multi-Touch Screen
Resolution:	1280 x 800 pixels
Application Framework:	Android 3.2 (Honeycomb)
Processor:	ARM Dual-Core CORTEX A9 OMAP4 1.5GHz 3D OpenGL (ES 2.0)
Video Playback:	MPEG-4 HD (up to 1080p) MPEG-4 (ASP@L5 AVI, up to DVD resolution) H.264 HD (HP@L3.1 up to 1080p) WMV9/VC1 (AP up to 1080p) With optional plug-in (downloadable on www.archos.com): Cinema: MPEG2 (up to DVD resolution MP/D1) With the above codecs, the device can play video files with the following extensions: AVI, MP4, MKV, MOV, MPG, PS, TS, VOB, FLV, RM, RMVB, ASF, 3GP, WMV
Audio Playback:	MP3 WMA, WMA-Pro 5.1 WAV (PCM/ADPCM) AAC, AAC+ 5.1 OGG Vorbis FLAC With optional plug-in (downloadable on www.archos.com): AC3 5.1
Photo Viewer:	JPEG, BMP, PNG, GIF
Subtitles:	.srt, .ssa, .smi, .sub
Webcam:	720p Front Facing (with 720p encoding)
Interfaces:	USB Slave 2.0: Mobile Transfer Protocol (MTP) USB Host: Mass Storage Class (MSC) microSD (SDHC compatible) HDMI Output (cable not included)
Communication Protocols:	Wi-Fi (802.11b/g/n) Bluetooth 2.1 + EDR
Miscellaneous:	Built-in GPS Built-in Speakers Built-in Kick Stand Built-in Microphone G-Sensor Vibrator Compass
Power Source:	Internal: Lithium Polymer Battery External: Power Adapter/Charger
Battery Life:	Music playback time: up to 36 hours Video playback time: up to 7 hours Web surfing: up to 10 hours
Scalability:	Device automatically downloads latest firmware updates when the Wi-Fi connection is activated Updates can also be downloaded at www.archos.com
Dimensions:	10.86"(W) x 6.59"(H) x 0.5"(D)
Weight:	23.8oz

In the box:

Archos 101 G9 Turbo 10.1” 8GB Tablet with Wi-Fi
AC Adapter (with US, British Standard & Europlug Attachments)
USB Cable
Warranty Information
User Guide

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They Call Him "Dark Farmer" And He's Very Symbolic: Woot Weads The Wire

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:00:00 -0600

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

WELLINGTON (REUTERS) A New Zealand court refused an appeal by the founder of online file-sharing site Megaupload.com to be freed on bail, Friday, agreeing with prosecutors there was a risk he would attempt to flee before an extradition hearing.

The court says the popular site's founder will have to wait until February 22nd for his hearing, unless he purchases a subscription plan, at which point his trial will start immediately and he'll have access to multiple concurrent hearings for up to one year!

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- DC Entertainment plans to publish seven prequels to the 1986 graphic novel "Watchmen" by writer Alan Moore and artist Dave Gibbons, The Hollywood Reporter said.

The new comics will cover such favorites as Dr. Manhattan, Nite Owl, The Comedian, the guy who unloaded the pirate comics from the truck, and the previously unseen farmer who harvested the sugar cane which would later be turned into the famous pre-wrapped cubes that Rorschach ate.

INDIANAPOLIS (UPI) -- Creationism could be taught alongside the theory of evolution in Indiana schools under a bill passed by the state Senate.

Under the new law, students who fail standardized tests may find themselves held back and condemned to Hell for eternity.

SAN FRANCISCO (REUTERS) - Facebook unveiled plans for the biggest ever Internet IPO that could raise as much as $10 billion, but made it clear CEO Mark Zuckerberg will exercise almost complete control over the company, leaving investors with little say.

But Zuckerberg is alleged to be making a few concessions, such as allowing all investors their choice between a special Fishville aquarium plant or a bonus triple letter score in Words With Friends.

FLORENCE, Italy (REUTERS) - An Italian court ruled Tuesday that Francesco Schettino, the captain of the cruise liner that ran aground and capsized off the island of Giglio, killing at least 17 people, must remain under house arrest.

Also he must have supervision when playing with toys in the bath.

Pioneer 5.1 Channel A/V Receiver

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:00:23 -0600

The movie is a thing of mystery

We have set up the Pioneer 5.1 Channel A/V Receiver. Now we wait for it to receive the movie.

The prophets have said that the air is thickest with movies this time of year. At this very moment, they say, we are enveloped in an invisible swirling cloud of actors, plot lines, and special effects. What was that glint? That momentary burst of light? Was it simply light reflecting off a passing car’s windshield? Or was it a buddy cop film starring Bruce Willis and Robert Downey, Jr. attempting to make its way into our world? We may never have known if the prophets had not set up the Pioneer Receiver.

So now we wait. We wait for the Pioneer to catch the movie, to distill it into visuals and present it for us on our television. Yes, there is much that we don’t understand about the process, but we leave these things to the prophets. We hear them occasionally speaking in hushed tones about a DTS-HD Master Audio Decoders microphone that measures every speaker’s connection and notes its size, distance from the listening point, sound levels, and timbre to calibrate and maximize performance specifically for our room. We often eavesdrop when they discuss, amongst themselves, the 4 HDMI inputs or when they speak excitedly of movies that appear in three dimensions.

But we never ask for an explanation of these things because our understanding is not necessary for the Pioneer to receive the movie. We don’t need to know why we must bow down and pray for the holy Netflix envelope’s arrival. Nor must we know why the innocent disk that comes within it must be sacrificed to the hungry machine that is connected to the Pioneer. We must simply do as we’re told.

If we ask the prophets anything it is what they foresee the received movie to be. Sometimes they are presented with a clear vision of what is to come. Other times their view into the future appears to be cloudy, and they’ll speak with uncertainty, saying something such as, “Maybe Bring It On? Or Bring It On Again. Probably gonna be some cheerleaders. We’ll have to check the queue to be sure.”

The queue is another thing the prophets don’t explain.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 1 Year Pioneer

Condition: New

Features:

Clean, compelling lines that have been streamlined to look as elegant, modern and state-of-the-art as the technology inside
HDMI with 3D, ARC, Deep Color, x.v.Color: Supports the latest HDMI 1.4a specification, so not only do you get the most out of your existing movies and music, you’re prepared for the next generation of 3D video content
4 HDMI inputs (4 In / 1 Out): You’ve got plenty of connectivity options for the growing number of high-definition sources available
Advanced HDMI conveniences: Like Audio Return Channel and HDMI Standby Through
Dolby® TrueHD and DTS-HD® Master Audio Decoders: Gives your Blu-ray Disc® soundtracks unsurpassed audio quality and also includes all of the Dolby and DTS surround formats best suited for the wide variety of entertainment sources, including the newest Dolby Pro Logic IIz height channel
Pioneer’s exclusive Multi-Channel Acoustic Calibration system (MCACC): Provides a near studio-quality, multi-channel listening experience customized specifically to your listening environment
Included microphone: Measures every speaker’s connection, and notes its size, distance from the listening point, sound levels and timbre to calibrate and maximize performance specifically for your room
Pioneer exclusive Advanced Sound Retriever: Even compressed audio such as WMA, MP3 and AAC is enhanced by filling in areas where minute details were left out during the compression process
Auto Level Control: Eliminates jarring volume changes between your favorite songs, albums and audio sources by equalizing volume differences between portable audio tracks or television programming
On-Screen Display: An intuitive on-screen menu for use with the included remote, so you can make guided adjustments to your home theater sound
Bluetooth® Compatible: Fully ready for wireless Bluetooth audio from virtually any A2DP profile Bluetooth device, including iPod®, iPhone®, iPad®, smartphones, laptops, etc. (Pioneer AS-BT200 Bluetooth adapter required, not included)
Owner’s Manual

Additional Photos:

Power:
Amplifier Design:	Direct Energy
Channels:	5.1
Power Output Per Channel(20Hz-20kHz,0.08%THD@8ohm):	80
Power Output Per Channel (1kHz@8ohm):	110
Power Output Per Channel (1kHz@6ohm):	125

Decoders & Formats:
Digital Core DSP Engine:	Texas Instruments Aureus
192K/24-Bit DACs:	Yes
Dolby True HD:	Yes
Dolby Digital Plus:	Yes
Dolby Pro-Logic IIz:	Yes
DTS-HD Master Audio:	Yes
HDMI SACD Transfer:	2 Channel

Soundfield Calibration:
Phase Control:	Yes
Auto MCACC:	Yes
EQ Bands:	5
Symmetric EQ:	Yes
MCACC Memory:	1
Distance Adjustment:	0.1 feet

Listening Modes:
Auto Surround:	Yes
Stream Direct:	Direct, Pure Direct
Advanced Surround:	9+1 Mode DPS
Front Stage Surround Advance:	Yes
Headphone Surround:	Yes

Audio Features:
DSD to PCM Converter:	2 Channel
Auto Level Control:	2 Channel
Advanced Sound Retriever:	2 Channel
Sound Retriever AIR:	Yes
Midnight Listening:	Yes
Loudness:	Yes
Tone Control:	2 Channel
Sound Delay (Lip Sync):	9 Frames

Video Processing:
3-D Ready HDMI Standby Through HDMI 36-bit Deep Color HDMI x.v. Color

Connectivity:
HDMI Input / Output:	4 In (rear) / 1 Out
Bluetooth Adapter Port:	AS-BT200 or AS-BT100 (not included)
Component Video Input / Output:	2 In (assignable)
Composite A/V Input / Output:	4 In / 1 Out (rear)
Analog Audio Inputs / Output:	2 In / 1 Out
Digital Inputs / Output:	3 In
Pre-Amp Output:	2.1 Ch (SW, SB/FH)
Headphone:	1 Out
Front A/V Inputs:	Mini
AM/FM Presets:	30 Preset AM / FM Tuner

Installation:
On-Screen Display:	Analog OSD
FL Demo Mode (Feature Flashing):	Yes
Auto Power Down:	Yes
FL Dimmer:	Yes
Remote:	System Remote Control
Sleep Timer:	30, 60, 90 min

Two Channel Surround Sound Modes:
Stereo Stereo ALC Straight Decode Dolby Pro Logic II Dolby Pro Logic IIx Dolby Pro Logic IIz Dolby Pro Logic II Movie Dolby Pro Logic IIx Movie Dolby Pro Logic II Music Dolby Pro Logic IIx Music Dolby Pro Logic II Game Dolby Pro Logic IIx Game Dolby Pro Logic IIz Height

Multi-Channel Surround Sound Modes:
Stereo Stereo ALC Straight Decode Dolby Pro Logic II Movie Dolby Pro Logic IIx Movie Dolby Pro Logic II Music Dolby Pro Logic IIx Music Dolby Digital EX DTS-ES DTS NEO: 6 Cinema DTS NEO: 6 Music Dolby Pro Logic IIz Height

Advanced Surround:
Action Drama Ent. Show Advanced Game Sports Classical Rock/Pop Unplugged Ext. Stereo F.S.S.

Auto Direct:
Surround Direct Pure Direct

Input:
Blu-ray DVD DVR/BDR TV/Sat CD CDR/Tape Tuner Portable

Construction:
Front Panel:	Glossy Black
Large Speaker Terminals:	2
Dimensions:	17.16"(W) x 6.6"(H) x 14.27"(D)
Weight:	19.8 lbs

In the box:

Pioneer VSX-521-K 5.1 Channel A/V Home Theater Receiver
Remote Control Unit
(2) AAA Batteries (For Remote Control)
Automatic Speaker Calibration Mic
AM Antenna
FM Antenna
Instruction Manual

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The Trivial Eye: Book Jackets of the 20th Century

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0600

The 20th century was lousy with wars, dictatorships, unrest, and anxiety - but how about those books, huh? All that turmoil (plus mass literacy and ever-cheaper printing) made for a spectacular outpouring of literary expression, the depth and variety and power of which dwarfed all that had come before it. Can you identify these eight works published in the 1900's by these details taken from their first edition jackets?

Answers can be found by clicking here. Please post your guesses, speculations, or arguments below! But know this: the Trivial Eye is presented for public amusement and no prizes are offered other than that familiar feeling of aggravation that so much of your mind is occupied by useless trivia.

Need a Fix Now That Football's Over? Try Tazer Ball!

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0600

We here at Woot like to consider ourselves at the cutting edge of mocking new extreme sports, which is why we were so happy to see the latest craze sweeping the nation: Tazer Ball! Take two teams of four dudes, add a giant novelty soccer ball, throw in eight tasers, and stand way the hell back:

Who said the decline of civilization wouldn't yield great sporting events?! Ultimate Tazer Ball raises so many questions: Why did no one check the correct spelling of "taser?" Was this born from watching fans streak onto the field of real sporting events, only to be stun-gunned into submission? Why does the ball have to be a giant soccer ball? How can one player have a reputation for being a cheater when the rules of the game allow for the forcible electrocution of opposing players? Is there anywhere besides my local prison that I can actually see one of these matches? How long before we can drop the pretense and officially launch the Mutant League? The mind boggles!

Would you play Tazer Ball? Of course not! But would you go down a few beers and watch some parolees run around a field for an hour stun-gunning each other? What other sports could be improved by the addition of stun guns? Let us know what you think in the comments!

Completely Unfair Comparisons: on mud, tap water, and tattoos

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 12:10:00 -0600

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. Mud vs. The Wind in terms of Walls

Mud may seem like the more viable building substance, but what are you building walls for exactly? To keep out the elements? Well, a wall of wind is a wall made out of the elements. Choosing to build with wind shows mother nature that you do not fear the weather; in fact, you are at peace with it. Mud walls can leak. They can be washed away by a flood. They can collapse under heavy snow. With wind walls you don’t need to worry about any of this, because walls don’t stand. They just blow. Wait, that doesn’t sound right...

Advantage:

Wind

2. Lawn Mowers vs. Tap Water in terms of Hydration

Lawn mowers may not hydrate, but they are made by upstanding, private companies. Tap water, on the other hand, is controlled by the government, and we all know what that means: mind-control juice. You want proof? Just think about it: what proof can you show that tap water is not just a concoction of various chemicals that are tricking you into thinking they're quenching your thirst when really all they do is mine information from your brain waves? Go ahead. Show it to me. Show me the scientific evidence that this isn’t what’s really going on here. Then I’ll show you a scientist who’s had a little too much to drink from the faucet.

Advantage:

Lawn Mowers

3. Olive Oil vs. The Euro in terms of Tattoo Removal

Let me clarify: I want to know which of these objects would work as the better tattoo removal agent. They could both easily be used to pay someone for tattoo removal, because they’re both currencies in different areas of the world (the Euro in Europe and olive oil in Italian prisons), but that's not what we're after here. So, which object, in and of itself, will do a better job removing your tattoo? Neither! Olive oil will just give the tattoo some extra shine. Euros, on the other hand, can be used to cover the offending tattoo, but c’mon. Who wants to be the pretentious guy who covers himself in European money?

Advantage:

There is no advantage!

last week's rebuttal of the week wasn't actually a rebuttal at all. In fact, user jecates simply added to my argument of why bird watching trumps math in terms of the superior Super Bowl predictor:

If a bird watching is a bird that is watching, rather than a person that is watching birds, the advantage is even clearer. A bird, watching the game, has the ability to fly in the face of players, land on the field, and engage in other such hijinks that could affect the outcome. Therefore, the bird could manipulate the outcome to match it's prediction. And, as it's just a bird, nobody would ever suspect the fix is in.

See, flattery will get you everywhere! Now, it's your turn! Go ahead and argue (or agree) with the above conclusions, and you might find your response here next week.

Photos:"Windy day" by flickr user, chidorian; "Lawn Mower" by flickr user, miggslives; "Yellow tennis balls out of black container" by flickr user, Horia Varlan. All used under a Creative Commons License.