Wednesday, October 17

Wootpocalypse: September

by Randall Cleveland
July
August

September 1
2:40a
Bill is still outside. I've yelled at him to leave but he won't answer. He just keeps hitting my door. I've called 911 twice. All they said was "do not engage him." They didn't even say they'd send a cop. I knew I should've bought a gun.

September 1
6:30a
Might as well write since I'm definitely not sleeping. Bill has lost his f---ing mind. He's just staring at my door. At least he stopped banging on it, finally. Valerie's crashed in the bed room. Had to give her two of those sleeping pills to calm her down, but once she stopped crying Bill seemed to chill out.

September 1
12:45p
They are evacuating Chicago. That's like 3 million people.

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Tuesday, October 16

First Time Home Buyer: Well, That Escalated Quickly

by Randall Cleveland

When last we spoke, my wife and I had just started the hulking, slow-moving machinery of potential home ownership into motion, confident in the knowledge that the process would be gradual and almost painfully slow. We girded ourselves for multiple home tours, exponential paperwork, inspections, offers and counter-offers, and perhaps even some disappointment along the way.

We close on the eighth.


For Sale
I really need a tripod.

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Tuesday, October 09

Stop Trying to Make Beards Fun

by Randall Cleveland

I have a beard. I don't make a big deal of it, but some of you may have noticed it in the occasional podcasts in which I appear, leering like a crazed overweight viking, but other than that I don't make a big deal about it. I don't talk about my beard. I don't spend much time styling my beard, aside from washing it and combing out the tangles and beard mites. My wife likes it, but if she didn't I'd probably still have it because it's my face; and to be honest the beard is a good look for me. It goes a long way towards hiding my horrible visage, it negates any reason I might have to address my increasing number of chins, and it keeps me from getting carded for R-rated movies, which totally happened the last time I went clean-shaven (I was 26).

But I'm noticing a disturbing trend in internet culture: beard humor.

Sguar Cookies - Beards and Mustaches
Who doesn't look at a huge mass of hair and think, "Delicious!"?

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Friday, September 28

 

Thursday, September 27

First Time Home Buyer: Real(tor) Talk

by Randall Cleveland

Ah, the American Dream: a home, 2.5 children, a dog, a huge American-made sedan that gets four miles to the gallon, and a beautiful little lady to fix supper every night. Obviously all that's dead, but since I'm 30 and finally financially stable enough to afford the fancier brand of Instant Mac & Cheese, my wife and figured it's time to think about buying a house.

And for a long time, all we really did was avoid thinking about it, because buying a house is intense and full of variables and details and jesus just writing about it makes me want to put it off. But ask around! The time is right! Interest rates are super low! There are lots of homes recently foreclosed on or vacated for slightly less horrific reasons and hey, if you don't do it now you'll be kicking yourself later. At least that's what everyone tells me. So I figured I'd document my foray into home ownership.

Nice house
"Offer $30,000. Let's see if they bite."

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Tuesday, September 11

All This Technology is Ruining Our Infidelity

by Randall Cleveland

To: Kimberly Gottlieb
9/11/2012 9:00 am
Subj: I can't do this any more.

My dearest Kimberly,

It pains me greatly to say this, but I can no longer continue our illicit and torrid infidelity. Though you have brought me more joy than I have ever known on an emotional and also mostly sexual level, I fear that the spark which first led us into each other's arms has died. Mostly because of all this technology in our lives.

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Wednesday, September 05

Wootpocalypse: August

by Randall Cleveland

July's Entries

August 1
7:30a
I don't think I slept at all last night. The body is gone, but I never saw police or an ambulance. No one even bothered to ask me for a report or anything. Valerie can't stop watching the news but it's all basically on repeat at this point: Stay at home unless absolutely necessary, National Guard will be evacuating people in affected areas, etc.

August 1
11:00a
Okay, so a coroner's truck just showed up and some guy knocked on my door asking about the body I'd reported. I told him it was gone and he asked if we had moved it. WTF? Why would I move a dead body? Who the hell DID move it?

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Wednesday, August 15

Badvertising: WTF, Ruffles?

by Randall Cleveland

I'm no stranger to critiquing advertising and its pathetic attempts to twist and contort you, the average consumer, into a tiny box to be ticked on a spreadsheet when someone asks if the correct demographic is sufficiently appealed to. But with so much time and money going into even run-of-the-mill, everyday commercials, it's bizarre that some can miss the mark so widely. But that's what Badvertising is for. This week, we try to figure out what the f*&% Ruffles is trying to tell us with this ad:

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Tuesday, August 07

 

Friday, August 03

Now YOU Can Advertise in my Out of Office Message!

by Randall Cleveland

I don't mean to brag, but I'm a Marketing genius. Seriously. I've just had an idea that's going to change the face of advertising forever: I'm going to let you pay me to advertise in my Out of Office messages.

I get literally hundreds of emails a day. You could be responding to EACH of them! The possibilities are endless! Businesses, charities, even individuals can benefit from targeted advertising like this! For only $5 sent to my PayPal, here's how YOU can get your message SEEN!

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