Are you a terrible son or daughter who forgot that Mother's Day is this weekend, and now it's too late to send her a gift? Worry not, wayward offspring -- we've got you covered. Just send your mom one of our homemade Mother's Day GIFts, and she'll weep with joy (because your mom weeps with joy anytime you do anything remotely related to her.)
Want to turn your crossword skills into a coveted (for some reason) Bag o' Crap? Then welcome, intrepid cross-linguist, to Crapword Puzzle central! Here you can download the puzzle, follow along with the game, and voice your Huzzays of ecstasy and Dangits of defeat. We'll update it as we go, so check back often for the latest Crapword action highlights.
The fiscal year is coming to a close, and that means your health flex-spending accounts will reset on April 4th. You have two options for the following year:
The office network has recently been bombarded with SPAM E-MAILS. These aren't your run-of-the-mill SPAM E-MAILS, folks -- they employ a sophisticated algorithm to prey on individual employees' greatest emotional weaknesses, crafting a hellish pseudo-reality of no escape.
As you all know, our copier is run by an octopus that lives inside it. We've had this copier for over a year, but we are still experiencing USER ERROR. i.e.: You half-wits keep screwing up. I'm attaching an OCTOPUS COPIER PROTOCOL, which I will also post in the copy room. Keep in mind that the octopus CANNOT BE REPLACED, so killing it would effectively destroy this company.
I know you have all been anticipating the newest version of the Employee Handbook with bated breath. Unfortunately, the Employee Handbook Re-Writing Sub-Committee chairperson, Ari Knewell, incorrectly booked the conference room using the new Outlook tool (which requires solving several riddles of increasing difficulty) and the 2013 version was pushed back a full week. I would apologize for this delay, but I'm not in the habit of covering for other people's GROSS RIDDLE OVERSIGHT.
Despite my entreaties, warnings, and admonitions, the impossibly dashing UPS Deliveryman Andrê Jassón ravished every female on staff last spring. Due to monsieur Jassón's REMARKABLE VIRILITY, this means that all female employees will birth Andrê's progeny within the next several weeks.
Like an Alexis de Tocqueville guiding you through history, Wikipedia's fingers reach into every crevice, nook, cranny, and dark scary place. Also like Alexis de Tocqueville, Wikipedia spills way too much ink explaining pointless crap. Come with us now as we explore the early 1990s through Wikipedia's verbose, thinly-veiled editorial voice.
HR has updated the employee handbook for 2013. Notable changes include elimination of the profligate 401k matching program, heavier "handbook-stock" paper, and updates to the dress code. Since none of you will read anything that isn't SHOVED DOWN YOUR CRAW, here are the main points: