Tuesday, January 08

From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Jainism Promotions

by Sam Kemmis 5 months ago

COMPANY:

Join me in congratulating Senior Manager of Sales Stan Pinkard and Junior Account Executive Jeff Adams on escaping their corporeal prisons this week and migrating their souls to the bodies of senior management. Both employees have abandonded the tormenting mundanity of Saṃsāra (daily life) and ascended to Moksa, the blissful state of the soul. Stan will now occupy a body that will oversee Sales, and Jeff will report directly to the Executive Board as a VP demigod.

Tuesday, December 18

From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Tragedy Of The Commons

by Sam Kemmis 5 months ago

Folks,

The holidays are coming right up and many of you are probably wondering why you have not been paid for several weeks. First off: CALM DOWN. I'm your office manager, not your life coach, but didn't anybody ever tell you that money cannot buy happiness? A few weeks without pay isn't going to ruin your life.

Friday, December 14

That's So Teddy: Episodic Adventure #5

by Sam Kemmis 5 months ago

Tuesday, December 11

From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Annual Review

by Sam Kemmis 5 months ago

People,

Annual employee performance reviews will take place throughout the end of the month. Every year, employee performance is rated from 1 to 4 on AN ARBITRARILY CHOSEN CRITERION. This year's surprise criterion is… {Drumroll}…: VICTORIAN-ERA FEATS OF PHYSICAL STRENGTH.

Friday, December 07

That's So Teddy: Episodic Adventure #4

by Sam Kemmis 6 months ago

Tuesday, December 04

From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Scheduled Psychotic Break

by Sam Kemmis 6 months ago

Everybody,

The building people will be coming in on Thursday, December 6th to do some routine maintenance. They will temporarily disconnect the office from reality sometime between 8am and 6pm, at which time all employees will experience an acute PSYCHOTIC BREAK.

Monday, December 03

Phillip Cathin's Resignation From Woot

by Sam Kemmis 6 months ago

Fellow Wootlings,

Blogger/designer/developer/social media presence/ninja Philip Cathin here. You certainly saw my recent exposure in online content giant The Onion this week (40 million page views per month). In case you missed that link: Here it is again. (Phil Tip #41: Linking is Winning).

Tuesday, November 27

From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Bee Communication

by Sam Kemmis 6 months ago

People,

This company is experiencing major communication issues, and it is your fault. The left hand doesn't know what the right is doing, and (for those of you bewildered by abstract symbolic expression) by "left hand" I mean "everybody else," and by "right hand," I mean "you."

Wednesday, November 21

That's So Teddy: Collaboration

by Sam Kemmis 6 months ago

Tuesday, November 20

From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Gluttony Payroll Deduction

by Sam Kemmis 6 months ago

Everybody,

The holidays are approaching, as is the deadly sin Gluttony.

This company cares about your health. And by "care" I mean "has a financial stake caused by the relationship between health insurance premiums and employee wellness." Last year, the deleterious effects of Thanksgiving dinner on employee health cost the company $240,534.