Monday, February 25

The Horsemeat Report for Monday, Feb. 25

by Team Chuckle!

Today's list of things that have been discovered to contain some percentage of horsemeat.

IKEA meatballs
  • IKEA meatballs
  • Joe Biden
  • Identity Thief
  • Woot-opoly
  • Unfunded credit derivatives
  • Memory Foam
  • Van Halen (Sammy Hagar version)
  • Illicit buttock implants in the Tampa, Florida area
  • Thomas Aquinas's conception of eternal law
  • The Toyota Prius
  • The Duane Reade at the corner of 6th Ave. and 23rd St.
  • Horses

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Monday, May 14

An Exclusive Diablo III Preview from Woot

by Team Chuckle!

 Wow. That's all we can really say. We got a special advance copy of Diablo III, the biggest game release in years, and put over 100 hours into it. And now, on the eve of its release, we're going to share with you some of our favorite updates to the classic point and click dungeon crawler. You've heard the leaks, the rumors, and the hints at what may be. But only read on if you're ready to find out just how amazing this game is. Here's our list of our favorite features from Diablo III:

 
  • Intro cutscene plays out a 120 minute movie about the human condition and demands a small test on what you've watched as "copy protection."
  • Deckard Cain no longer asks you to stay, implies maybe you should have visited once or twice in the last decade.
  • New "Atheist" class allows you to smugly deny the existence of Diablo.
  • Integrated Farmville support.
  • Every tree is a unique NPC with a different side quest for the player.
  • New product placement contract means Warriors class regenerates health with Mountain Dew powerups.
  • Hip retro skins ($39.95 each) make the game look and play exactly like "Tapper."
  • To reduce complaints of sexism, all "chicks in chainmail" will be portrayed as 65 years old.
  • Players now capture and utilize small "pocket monsters" in their fight against evil.
  • Hardcore duel mode replaced with "casual friendly" football simulation.
  • Amazing final battle features incredible devil fiddlin' physics engine.
  • "Epic Retro Edition" comes with 6,200 floppy diskettes and a map.
  • Fully engaging dialogue choices determine what color tunic your character wears during the inevitably disappointing ending cut scene.
  • Witch Doctor class is voiced by Morgan Freeman to give him some dignity.
  • Newest "Darkest Circle of Hell" level pipes in audio from Xbox Live "Call of Duty" matches.

 

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Thursday, April 12

Inside the Woot Writers' Room: Everything's Coming Up Falcons!

by Team Chuckle!

Did you know it's illegal to have a pet falcon? Well, it is in the United States, anyway. You can only have falcons if you're a falconer, and actually using them for work like hauling tiny airborne plows through your field or something, we guess. Anyway, the point is Randall, one of the Woot Writers, was spending his workday Googling various ways to acquire a falcon when he discovered Royal Jordanian Airlines' policy on falcon transportation and initiated the following conversation in the Woot Writers' chat room:

 

Screen shot 2012-04-12 at 12.15.05 PM

 

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Wednesday, January 18

CES 2012: The Wootable Awards

by Team Chuckle!

Pull your tuxedo t-shirt from the bottom of that pile of laundry. It's time for the awards show awaited by thousands, because it means our interminable CES 2012 coverage is finally complete. Presenting the 2012 Wootable Awards!

This year's salute comes in two parts: the star-studded, no-singing, no-dancing video extravaganza, followed by some pics-and-text bonus honors for truly sad Wootable devotees. Now, everybody, let's Wootable! Take it away, Matthew!

Now, read on for far more Wootable Awards than anyone should waste their time compiling, much less reading:

Most Unfortunate Stock Photo
Everybody at this company was probably too mature to notice, but we were startled to turn a corner and find this guy flipping us the... well, phone, it turns out. But now we can't un-see it...

 

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Tuesday, October 11

Inside The Woot Writers' Room: Squirrel Avengers, Assemble!

by Team Chuckle!

Comic book nerds everywhere are chattering either excitedly or disdainfully about the new trailer for Joss Whedon's upcoming Avengers flick. The response has generally been positive, with a lot of speculation on who will join Loki's plot for world domination and what comic book storyline(s) the movie will adapt. Naturally, we Woot Writers had our own thoughts when the trailer was unceremoniously dropped into our chat room. Naturally those thoughts eventually digressed into whether or not a grown man could fend off an attack by 20 squirrels...

 

 

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Friday, August 19

Looks Like We Made It: Woot's in the Dictionary!

by Team Chuckle!

Recently we made a big splash in the news- Well, not US, per se, but our namesake. See, the Oxford English Dictionary, the "premier" dictionary of the English language, decided to include the term "woot" in their hallowed pages of definitions, alongside such esteemed company as "noob," "retweet," and "mankini." Now we know we're not the top dogs or anything, but we've been at this internet stuff long enough to know when you toot your own horn and when you affect a properly-unenthused tone lest everyone tear you apart for enjoying something. Plus, it's not like they got the definition right: "a statement of elation?" Psh. Everyone knows it should read "coolest website on earth." So we were content to let the news die down.

Except that people kept pointing it out. First came the tweets, then the emails. Then came the phone calls from our dear aunts, uncles, and grandparents who still don't really know what we do or how we make money at it, but know that they just saw the company name in a news article and that's a pretty big deal. Which isn't to hate on our loved ones for thinking of us; we appreciate their enthusiasm! We just got enough feedback on the whole thing that we figured we should address it.

And we found a dirty little secret about the Oxford English Dictionary...

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Wednesday, April 27

What We're Doing While The PlayStation Network Is Down

by Team Chuckle!

  • Starting a Mortal Kombat LARP group
  • Painting all of our doorways orange on one side, blue on the other
  • Jacking up the price for that used Xbox 360 we're selling on Craigslist
  • Wondering why our PSN friends aren't calling us to hang out
  • Sending a basket of combustible lemons to Sony's dev team
  • Going back to pretending the floor is lava, instead of the virtual floor
  • Trying to entice our cat to run through the maze of ramps and hula hoops we set up in the backyard
  • Hiring twelve-year olds to hurl racist, homophobic slurs at us
  • Learning that tearing out a man's spine with your bare hands is a lot harder than it looks in the games
  • Taking some time to catch up on my reading witBAH HAHAHAhaha! Sorry, couldn't keep a straight face
  • Researching the easiest way to remove our SONY4LIFE tattoo
  • Blaming Sony for all the strip club charges on our credit cards
  • Finally finishing that plushie potato
  • Taking time to step away from the games and really reflect on our own lives and whether we can ever truly love agaOMG ANOTHER WEEK UNTIL THEY GET IT BACK UP WTF

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Thursday, April 21

The Blogs We're Not Posting Until Reddit is Back Up

by Team Chuckle!

It's a tough game, internet copywriting. You've got to generate content that's scintillating, or at the very least divisive, so that people will comment on it, tell their friends about it, and thereby lure more people to your site. Which is why we love sites like Reddit, where users can post OUR stuff that they find interesting or funny or just stupid, and drive more traffic our way (the traffic spreadsheets helpfully omit the percentage of people stopping by just to tell us we suck). There's a trick to finding just the right message to strike the chords of the message board just right so it's shared, upvoted, and goes viral enough that you start to attract internet hipsters saying they're sick of it three hours after it first went up. Some would call it pandering; we prefer to think of it as targeting the demographic. With pandering.

But when something terrible happens and Reddit goes down, we're faced with a conundrum. If we post our content and it's super awesome, no one's going to know about it because they can't share it. So until those poor guys and gals can log back in and start sharing our stuff again, we're withholding any and all blog posts. But just so you know what's coming down the pipes, here's a glimpse at our editorial calendar:

  • Super Amazing Science Discoveries That Aren't Necessarily Proven Yet
  • AMAZING Video Shows the TRUTH About Saudi Royal Family and Duke Nukem
  • The Celebrity We Hate Today [They Said Something Dumb or Insensitive]
  • Exactly How Overrated IS Firefly?
  • Did Rebecca Black Know About 9/11 in Advance?
  • What the Hell is Wrong with Those Mens' Rights Activists?
  • What the Hell is Wrong with Those Feminist Activists?
  • Re-Posting and Why It Ruins Everything
  • Photo Gallery: Olivia Munn Eats One of Those Spider-Man Ice-Cream-On-a-Stick Things
  • Documented Proof That Puts All Doubt to Rest Regarding the End of Inception
  • Picture of a Cute Owl Standing on a Cute Puppy Licking a Cute Kitten
  • Why Everywhere Else on Earth is Better than America
  • Knee-Jerk Reactions to Quotes Taken Out of Context
  • DAE Think Digg Sucks?
  • Game of Thrones Should Be Cancelled and Here's Why


Look for these posts coming soon to this very blog! Just as soon as we can get people to link to them somewhere else.

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Tuesday, March 01

What's Hip Now: Your Guide From The Experts

by Team Chuckle!

OUT: Fixies
IN: Big Wheels

OUT: Skinny jeans
IN: Buckskin breeches

OUT: Trading mix cassettes with a pen pal
IN: Stuffing sheet music in a bottle and throwing it into the sea

OUT: Ironic mustaches
IN: Ironic ear hair

OUT: Kickball
IN: Tee-ball

OUT: Star Trek: The Next Generation lunchboxes
IN: Patrick Stewart's Othello aluminum picnic caddy

OUT: PBR
IN: Sterno

OUT: Artisanal cupcakes
IN: Artisanal Pop Rocks

OUT: Torn thrift-store flannel
IN: Torn Green Goblin Halloween costumes

OUT: Knitting
IN: Butter sculpture

OUT: Vintage foam-front trucker hats
IN: Vintage leather football helmets

OUT: Vinyl
IN: Those teeny 3" CDs that won't even play in every player

It's Hipster Week on the Woot blog, whatever that's supposed to mean.

Photo: Big Wheel by Flickr member John Morgan. Used under a Creative Commons License

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Wednesday, January 12

Snowpocalypse Not: Let's Come Up With A Name For Overhyped Weather Events

First responders were on high alert. The Department of Transportation advised commuters to leave work early. Afterschool activities were cancelled. Yesterday, Seattle braced for a repeat of the paralyzing snow that hit in November. City leaders were determined not to repeat the mistakes that snarled the city back then.

And they didn't. Because it barely snowed.

OK, an inch or two fluttered down last night. But the promised snowpocalypse never happened. And I, for one, feel gypped. Sure, it's always better to be overprepared than underprepared. But the teevee got me all primed for some real weather action (and a snowcation from work), not just a slushy walk to the bus stop this morning.

Since the major precipitation storms of the past couple of years have spawned all kinds of cute names - I'm partial to "Snowtorious B.I.G." and "SnowMG"- it's time to come up with some names for the wanna-freeze, the also-rains, the major weather events that turn out to be minor. Here are ours:

  • Snowverreaction
  • Letdownpour
  • Flood Libel
  • Snowverrated
  • Sound & Flurry
  • Yawnslaught
  • Blahzzard
  • Snow Big Deal
  • Parasnowia
  • Snowbored
  • Deluges of Grandeur
  • Snowverblown
  • Drizzlegeddon

Post your ideas in the discussion below!

Photos by Flickr member Gatzby. Used by permission.

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