- Exclusive Verizon levels of Angry Birds
- Press conference postponed after Bono's harness breaks during rehearsals
- For a more "street" feel, smoked salmon sandwiches at reception are infected with e. coli
- Press conference tagline: "If You Can Hold It Here, You Can Hold It Anywhere"
- AT&T trademarks the name of every remaining species of big cat
- A pained reference to New York being "The Big Apple" by Steve Jobs is followed by a blog post by Jon Gruber declaring it "the funniest thing he's ever heard ever"
- All those people who say "I'll buy an iPhone when I can use it with Verizon" start saying "I'll buy an iPhone when I can use it with 1-800-COLLECT"
- Tony Kushner and Tracy Letts called in at the last minute to "punch up the dialogue"
- Several Asian attendees detained under suspicion of being Jason Chen
- Yankees sign "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy to 7-year, $118 million contract
- Sprawling Panasonic booth partially converted into hotel for transients
- This year's hottest gadgets: anything with gold components
- Giveaway USB sticks replaced by actual sticks
- Booth babes no longer paid in cash, but are now permitted to sell apples and take in laundry
- VIP luncheons catered by the Salvation Army
- Las Vegas Convention Center replaces central heating with barrels full of burning HP laptop batteries
- Monster Cable presents VIP-only performance by the bass player from Sugar Ray
- Shuttle buses replaced by bicycle rickshaws
- John Bunnell will tase himself to get those free hats back
- Naming-rights deal means Las Vegas is now known as Little Shenzhen
- Hall of Innovation moved to burned-out house in Detroit
- Leave a business card at the LG booth for a free malaria vaccination
- Rolling blackouts due to theft of copper wire by attendees
- Instead of plying buyers with cocaine at lavish after-hours parties, company reps now offer a paper bag full of spray paint in the parking lot
- Most booths now staffed remotely from Bangalore
- Steve Ballmer replaced at keynote by homeless man who says nothing but "Bing" for two hours
- If 3D HDTV sales do not meet expectations, Samsung threatens to launch a worldwide wave of suicide bombings
- Hoover booth replaced by Hooverville
- First visitor to Microsoft booth gets a free Windows 7 phone. And so does every other visitor
- This year's slogan: "CES: Now In 3D!"
After being transplanted to the Pacific Northwest we can sympathize with an invasive species like the Asian Carp. You're out of your element, you don't know anybody, and you've got to breed explosively so you can outcompete all the indigenous wildlife while hurdling electric barriers put in place to stop you and slapping strangers in the face along the way.
Now people are so fed up with them that they've decided to eat the Asian Carp out of existence. The only problem is no one wants to eat something called an Asian Carp for some reason (racists). So now they're taking suggestions for a more delicious-sounding name for the fish, but if names like "Kentucky Tuna" are being taken as serious suggestions and not the thinly-veiled sexual euphemisms they obviously are, it made us hopeful we might be able to flood the ballot box. Write your representative today and demand that the Asian Carp be renamed as any one of the far more delicious-sounding species below...
- "Why don't you all just call somebody who cares? OH WAIT"
- "You see, in our efforts to steer people away from all types of pornography, we added this 'feature' as a way of keeping you all from calling intimate 1-900 numbers. Who's embarrassed now, perverts?"
- "Like anyone actually reads Consumer Reports, am I right? I mean, really, the cool people get all their Apple news and analysis from completely unbiased sources like Daring Fireball."
- "You guys know it does folders now, right?"
- "To find out more, affected iPhone users are invited to attend MacSplosion 2K10: an all-expenses-paid VIP event at an undisclosed location in the beautiful Hindu Kush highlands of sunny Pakistan. Don't bother packing - you won't need clothes where you're going."
- "We've moved ahead, as we believe connectivity will soon go the way of floppy discs, FireWire, Brushed Metal, and pornography. The future is non-connectivity."
- "After talking with our engineers, I feel confident in announcing that the shutdown feature only activates during conversations that do not properly represent the Apple lifestyle brand. We suggest making your conversations more cutting-edge."
- "See? See? This is what happens when we try it without the Chinese kids!"
- "We blame Tony Hayward."
- "Now, if you'd all look under your chairs... THAT'S RIGHT! EVERYONE HERE GETS A ROLL OF ELECTRICAL TAPE! Introducing iTape. The first truly must-have accessory for the iPhone 4, because you must have it for the phone to work. In stores 4th quarter 2010, starting at $149.99."
- Cinnamon and marinara sauce
- French fries and chocolate milkshakes
- Hamburgers and velvet
- Sun-dried tomatoes and the tears of orphans
- Bread pudding and the music of Joanna Newsom
- Zima and that clown from your birthday party
- Lamb shanks and my father's disappointment
- Melted gouda and Han Solo action figures (original or Hoth)
- The oral history of the Underground Railroad and the color teal
- Those old aluminum swimming pools and socialism
- LASIK surgery and your first crush
- Sandy Nelson's "Live! In Las Vegas" and a single grain of sand
- International test cricket and sneezing
- A savage wildcat and the aroma of melted butter
- Ambergris and the complete works of Jean-Baptiste-Siméon Chardin
- B flat above High C and "Punchy" from Hawaiian Punch
- Jai-alai and 1-1/4" galvanized roofing nails
- Deal-a-day web commerce and a recording of Carol Burnett saying the word "moist"
- Mango and chili peppers
We're throwing a bash! We're raiding our stash!
We're in a mad dash to get smashed on Hoo Hash!
Too bad it's Tuesday, a sad turn of fate.
Because tomorrow we work so we can't stay out late!
At the Zumblezay track we have saved room for five,
But you must not be sozzled or they won't let you drive.
Let the Jing Tinglers jingle and the Blum Bloopers bloop!
These toys are too fantamabalous for Kids.Woot!
Before we take a drink,
I think the time has come for commemorative ink!
Roll up your sleeves and let's all go down
To an old tattoo parlor on the grim side of town.
We'll choose some tattoos in yellows and blues.
We're scared of the needles.
We don't like the scars.
But now we can show you the stars upon ours!
Now a trip to the bar! It isn't so far!
We designate you to be driving the car!
Who does lots o' shots? We do lots o' shots!
Slow Joe Crow bought you shots 'cause you're hot hot hot hot!
A pizza! A pizza! One red and one blue!
We'll take red to our table and for blue we will sue!
The State Health Department will know just what to do!
The bomp-bomp of stomping! The flash-flash of lights!
Then they put on the Eagles. That was it for the night.
Sorry again for trashing your place
But when you passed out we drew Sneetches all over your face.
Anyone remember where we might have parked?
Bzzzz! The buzz-makers are abuzz with anticipation about Google's announcement of a broad new social product later today. We've peered deeply into our Gopher-interoptable crystal ball to see what that might be...
- Google Attic: upload your clothes right from your closet and store your whole out-of-season wardrobe in "the cloud".
- Google Wallflower: generates a stable of AI "friends" so you can have a thriving social network without fear of actual human contact.
- Google Infinite Loop: tweets your Facebook status updates that syndicate your retweets of your Facebook updates about your tweets...
- Google MailFight: assigns Dexterity, Strength and Charisma ratings to your gmail messages, allowing them to battle each other, level up, and unlock exclusive email sigs.
- Google PickItUp: sets your gmail messages to an infectious ska beat.
- Google ?: the ultimate in microblogging: one-character status updates.
- Google Nexus Three: a new handheld device like the Nexus One, but three times bigger, and without the phone functions.
- Google Bouncer: pre-screens friend requests before you receive them and alerts you when it turns someone down. It may raise privacy concerns, but isn't it worth it to ensure you never get a friend request from an ex?
- Google ThoughtCounts: automatically emails your contacts on the day after their birthdays, to tell them you totally meant to send an e-card.
- Google Sharia: a fully-integrated social network for you and your friends to coordinate honor killings, public stonings, punitive amputations, and burning down girls' schools. Plan meetups, vote for your favorites, and share (non-idolatrous) pictures and video!
- Google Id: with a combination of biometric technology and detailed search-history analysis, it senses your real search desires, regardless of what you say you want.
- Google CheerUp: when showing 0 new messages, Gmail randomly re-routes an email from someone else's Inbox so you don't feel lonely.
- Google CrimeAgainstNature: merges data with 23andMe to ensure that that gal you're flirting with isn't actually your 4th cousin.
- Google Throwback: allows Netscape users to choose between Altavista, Webcrawler, HotBot, or Infoseek skins for retro-search cool. Only indexes material posted before 1998.
- Google InviteOnly: social invite network allows you to invite your friends so they can get their own invites to invite people with.
- Google Caddyshack 2000: Google remakes the 1981 comedy, to see how many people will still defend Google no matter what. Starring Dane Cook, Kim Kardashian, Vince Vaughn, Snooki, the Orange County Choppers guys, and Chevy Chase, and featuring Verne Troyer as The Gopher.
- Google Wave: No, seriously. This time you guys'll love it.
What are your inside contacts telling you about this world-shattering announcement? (Yes, the contacts inside your mind count, too.)
Sometimes in life, we're faced with events so horrific, so tragic, and so overpowering that it can feel impossible to know how to begin recovering. Yesterday, Miramax Studios announced they will be shutting down their Los Angeles and New York offices.
Which means Harvey and Bob Weinstein are out on the street.
Before you gnash your teeth and curse the heavens, we know: it's not right that the brothers who brought us gems like Scary Movie 3, Bride & Prejudice, Jersey Girl, and Kate & Leopold should get a raw deal like this.
Now these guys are strong-willed, and believe us, they will bounce back. But they're going to need our help.
We've set up a relief fund, Woot4Weinsteins. You can help by texting "I would really like to ensure Bob and Harvey Weinstein are able to continue their extravagant lifestyle!" to 99099. Each text you send will authorize a small $10,000 donation to be added to your phone bill for the relief effort.
Please contribute any amount you can, as long as it's at least enough for an all-night cocaine binge at Mood.
We can't always prevent tragedies from happening. But we can make a difference.
If you heard about Apple's big announcement yesterday for their super duper new tablet through some awesome liveblog or something, you might've been a little underwhelmed by the name choice. Some of you may have even gone so far as to imply the name sounds a bit like a feminine hygiene product, in which case congratulations: you and 3 million other people on the internet were in sync for several hours.
But it got us thinking: with a name as corny (and prone to horrible monologue jokes from that grinning idiot hosting that show we'll never watch again) as iPad, what options did Apple pass up?
- iRape (the broccoli-like vegetable, not the horribly violent sex crime)
- iTouch Grande
Sure, some of those names are worse than iPad, but I personally like the sound of iTouch Grande. What would you have called Apple's new Tablet?
"A small amount of cocaine was found in a restricted area of the processing hangar for the shuttle Discovery, NASA said in a statement... the cocaine was found this week in a small bag on the floor near a bathroom in the restricted area." - CNN.com, "NASA finds cocaine in shuttle hangar", 1/15/2010
- Suspicious number of recent Space Shuttle flights to Bolivia.
- Mission Control keeps going to the toilet as a group.
- Where do you think the nickname "Buzz" came from?
- Space station radio transcripts include two straight hours of chatter about how beautiful everybody is, followed by three hours about how the Space Shuttle could totally kick Jupiter's ass.
- Mars Rover solar panel covered with white smears and razor marks.
- Planned lunar lander to be named after Fleetwood Mac's dealer.
- CIA now much more involved in funding of NASA missions.
- Last launch countdown: "10... 9... 8.. 7.. 6. 5. 4 3 21BLASTOFFOHMYGODTHATLOOKSSOAMAZING"
- Astronauts keep ducking into the Space Station "real quick," staying for 3 days.
- Constant giggling while bouncing around the "moon landing" movie set.
- We should have known those tiny spoons weren't for freeze-dried ice cream.
- You ever see how clean the inside of that Space Station is?
- Crew members radioed Mission Control about being "40,000 miles high" before shuttle had actually launched.
- Why else would you drive straight through from Texas to Florida wearing diapers?
- C'mon. They're shooting MONKEYS INTO SPACE.
How about you? You notice anything a little... weird about NASA lately?