An Exclusive Diablo III Preview from Woot

by Team Chuckle!

 Wow. That's all we can really say. We got a special advance copy of Diablo III, the biggest game release in years, and put over 100 hours into it. And now, on the eve of its release, we're going to share with you some of our favorite updates to the classic point and click dungeon crawler. You've heard the leaks, the rumors, and the hints at what may be. But only read on if you're ready to find out just how amazing this game is. Here's our list of our favorite features from Diablo III:

  • Intro cutscene plays out a 120 minute movie about the human condition and demands a small test on what you've watched as "copy protection."
  • Deckard Cain no longer asks you to stay, implies maybe you should have visited once or twice in the last decade.
  • New "Atheist" class allows you to smugly deny the existence of Diablo.
  • Integrated Farmville support.
  • Every tree is a unique NPC with a different side quest for the player.
  • New product placement contract means Warriors class regenerates health with Mountain Dew powerups.
  • Hip retro skins ($39.95 each) make the game look and play exactly like "Tapper."
  • To reduce complaints of sexism, all "chicks in chainmail" will be portrayed as 65 years old.
  • Players now capture and utilize small "pocket monsters" in their fight against evil.
  • Hardcore duel mode replaced with "casual friendly" football simulation.
  • Amazing final battle features incredible devil fiddlin' physics engine.
  • "Epic Retro Edition" comes with 6,200 floppy diskettes and a map.
  • Fully engaging dialogue choices determine what color tunic your character wears during the inevitably disappointing ending cut scene.
  • Witch Doctor class is voiced by Morgan Freeman to give him some dignity.
  • Newest "Darkest Circle of Hell" level pipes in audio from Xbox Live "Call of Duty" matches.