Stocking of Crap LIX: Don’t get too involved, boys.
I thought we were clear that this would stay casual.
Listen boys, I think you’re both great, I do. I’d hoped you wouldn’t find out about each other this way, but since we’re all here we might as well discuss it like adults. I’m not some flighty college freshman looking to juggle multiple relationships until it all comes crashing down around me. I’m a mature, refined woman and I know what I want.
For instance, sometimes I want you, my saucy, passionate Don Juan. The risks we take are bold and the rewards are even more incredible because of it. And you, my sweet, loving teddy bear. You’re the best when it’s time for cuddling by the fire and just enjoying each other’s company. You each fill a need in my life when my husband’s away on business.
But I’m sorry if I’ve led you on in any way. He IS still my husband, and not to be too terribly crass but being Mrs. Claus is a sweet gig that I’m not about to give up. Besides, I think what we have works better in this, shall we say, limited capacity. Like I said, I know what I want, and if I were inclined to toss my marriage on the rocks it wouldn’t be for a fella who’s already proven he likes to mess around behind people’s backs.
Oh, call it a double standard if you want, but I think now you’re just being brats. I thought we were clear from the onset; this is less about anything long-lasting and more about me wanting to, how shall I put this? Hit it and quit it? I can’t be blamed if you two fools decided to fall in love with me against all my warnings.
Fine, pout all you like. I’m just going to have my husband put you on the naughty list. Oh sure, go and tell the tabloids. If no one’s spotted me and the big guy in a couple hundred years you think they’re going to now?
THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0
I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.
II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.
III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.
IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.
V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.