Bag of Crap LXXIV: Process of Elimination
Does not contain X, therefore...
Listen, we can't tell you what's going to be in your Bag o' Crap. But we can tell you what will definitely NOT be in there. By process of elimination there should only be about 12,000,154,768 possible items left. Anyway, you're for sure NOT going to get:
- A Microsoft Surface tablet. It's a Bag o' Crap, not a Bag o' Ssssshhh-the other word. Are we being a bit harsh on the not-yet-released Surface lately? Absolutely. Are we going to stop? No.
- All the Evils of the world. We get a lot of calls from Wooters with Pandora Complexes, worried that if they open their Bags o' Crap, they will unleash a torrent of pure Evil into the world that cannot be returned from whence it came. Don't worry: See the bullet point above.
- A puppy. We would send out some of these adorable little puppies that are crawling all over the office, but then how would we make our famous Baked Ziti with Meat Sauce?
- The state of Iowa. Turns out their state constitution has a pretty ironbound not-to-be-given-away-by-a-deal-a-day-site clause.
- The Plague. We learned our lesson after the infamous Bag o' Crap we shipped to Genoa in 1347. Boy was our face red (and covered in lesions).