"Can't I Just Get You a Heineken Instead?": Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

 

OXFORD, England (UPI) -- Britain's Oxford University Press announced "omnishambles" as the Oxford Dictionaries word of the year for Britain and "GIF" as the U.S. word of the year.

Insiders say the word was specifically chosen as part of the OED's plan to divide Americans and plunge the nation into civil war.

 

Jif Peanut Butter

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- "Skyfall," the latest Bond film, flew high this weekend, raking in $87.8 million for the No. 1 U.S. box office spot.

And in a related story, muscle fatigue in bartenders is up 85% due to all the requests for shaken martinis.

PECH VALLEY, Afghanistan (UPI) -- Afghan troops, tasked with defending outposts without high-tech equipment such as helicopters and jets, are relying on donkeys, a military official said.

Pentagon officials have already committed 3.5 million into buying a small donkey of their own, to be named Sergio.

 

Animal Farm: Donkey

 

BEIJING (UPI) -- President Hu Jintao Thursday ruled out patterning China's political reforms after those in the West.

Historians say this is a good sign that China actually wants political reforms.

HOLLYWOOD (UPI) -- American tattoo artist Kat Von D and Canadian Deadmau5 DJ Joel Zimmerman have split up, the couple announced on Twitter.

Other DJs are not surprised, saying that it was clearly only a matter of time before their relationship reached the drop.

Jif Peanut Butter from brianc and Animal Farm: Donkey from Yndra are used under a Creative Commons License.