Completely Unfair Comparisons: On Darts, Art, and Friendship

by Sean Adams

There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.

1. A Headband vs. A Twin in terms of Playing Darts

Since your twin is the exact same person as you, he would probably make a pretty evenly-matched dart partner (or “dartner,” as the pros say). And having someone to play darts with may seem absolutely necessary. But it isn’t. Darts is a turn-based game, and while you may be racing to another player, your main opponent is the board itself. And let me tell you, the board is a fierce competitor. Seriously, the way it just hangs there, barely flinching as you throw sharp objects at it: why, it’s enough to make you lose your head. Or, at least, it would be if you didn’t have something wrapped around your head, reminding you at every moment that it is, in fact, there.

Advantage:

A Headband

2. Pinto Beans vs. Rice in terms of Painting

This one might seem simple. You probably think that since pinto beans can be crushed into a liquid-y mush, they’d have an easier time being picked up by the bristles of a paint brush and, in turn, applied to a blank canvas. But it’s not that simple. Not for me, at least. You see, I live by a set of rules, and one of those rules is, when in doubt, always choose the option that will NOT make it look like you’ve been playing with your own poop.

Advantage:

Rice

3. An Unpredictable Eye Twitch vs. Long Fingernails in terms of Making Friends at the Laundromat

An eye twitch can be misinterpreted as a friendly wink. Long fingernails can be correctly interpreted as a general laziness in regards to one’s personal appearance. But there is a time and a place for everything. And, likewise, there is a time and a place in which even the most innocent gesture can be inappropriate. For example, if your eye were to twitch at someone who was loading his or her undergarments into a laundry machine, it may be taken as a lewd flirtation; on the other hand, in a place where quarters are often dropped, by accident, into tight spaces, long fingernails can be extremely helpful.

Advantage:
Long Fingernails
 

Last week's Rebuttal of the Week goes to user TimDroz totally slapped me across the face with his intellect:

In terms of a Rat Tail (Hair) vs. A Rat’s Tail (Rodent Appendage) in terms of Winning an Eating Contest, a Rat’s Tail (Rodent Appendage) is clearly the greater advantage when you can place one in your opponent's dish. Unless you're competing against a cat.

Now, it's your turn to put up your dukes and contest one of the above comparisons. I'll choose my favorite one... two weeks from now! That's right, Completely Unfair Comparisons is taking a week off!

Photos:"Headband" by flickr user, Incase.; "Basmati Rice" by flickr user, cookbookman17; "Scratcher" by flickr user, jurvetson. All used under a Creative Commons License.