There are plenty of places on Woot where you can find helpful information. This is not one of those places. Every week we will be comparing 3 pairs of things that shouldn’t be compared using this formula: Unrelated Thing X vs. Unrelated Thing Y in terms of Function Z. Facts will be misunderstood, overlooked, or changed for the sake of the argument. Enjoy.
1. A Good Catchphrase vs. Neoprene in terms of Setting a Personal Record for a 5k Run
A good catchphrase can be inspiring and invigorating, but unless you talk with your calves, it’s not going to help you finish a 5k in good time. In fact, saying it will cost you valuable breath, something that you won’t have much of if you’re running at a brisk pace. And yes, I know that covering yourself in neoprene will slow you down even more than muttering a few choice words; however, this isn’t a bad thing, because think about it: who said you had to use the neoprene when you set the PR? You just need to use it to set a PR. And if you run one race in a thick, heavy, insulated wet suit, your initial time will be really bad, making it easy to set a new record when next you run in the standard shirt and shorts!
2. A Cardigan Sweater vs. Stick Shift in terms of Playing Accordion
This one is challenging. On the one hand, you’ve got the cardigan sweater, the second favorite garment of hipsters (#1 is a frown), a group that, as of late, has embraced the accordion. However, I believe it was either Rilke or me who once said, “The man who plays accordion may choose to wear the cardigan, but the man in the cardigan cannot simply choose to play accordion.” You see, the accordion is a difficult instrument to play; it requires many herky-jerky movements. You must push and pull and press down, sometimes all at once. This kind of mechanical-multitasking will seem difficult to many, but for the driver of a stick shift car, it’s no more effort than is involved in making a simple left-hand turn.
3. A Cactus vs. A Card Catalog in terms of Keeping Warm
For the purposes of an interesting argument, let’s just rule out setting either item on fire. Instead, the items must be used by themselves to provide warmth. So, on the one hand, we have the card catalog, which requires much time to be spent sifting through information, meaning it will exercise your brain; however, it provides for little physical movement and so will allow the cold to creep in and stiffen up your muscles. On the other hand, we have the cactus, which, when placed upon your favorite chair, will keep you from sitting down. Therefore, to occupy the time, you’ll have no choice but to pace (or even jog) around the room, which will warm your body.
Now today is a glorious day for Completely Unfair Comparisons, because today user davep1 scores his second ever Rebuttal Of The Week making him the first user in the history of this (two month old) series to repeat as the Rebuttal Master. Here's his response from last week on why hockey pucks make a better alternative energy source than bourbon:
Whoever wrote that Bourbon makes a better alternative energy source than Hockey Pucks doesn't realize that Hockey Pucks are already an alternative energy source. First there's the obvious - hockey pucks are dark and dark energy is the most prevalent form of energy in the universe. Then there's the fact that energy is hard to see and so are hockey pucks. Often energy is hot and in hockey you often have to ice the puck. Plus energy is mysterious (does E really equal MC Squared? What about MC Hammer?). As for hockey pucks, does anyone understand why sometimes pucks crossing blue lines generates face offs and sometimes it doesn't?
Could davep1 triple? Not if you outdo him and post a better rebuttal to one of the above comparisons! Go ahead, hit me with your best shot!
Photos:"Cactus" by flickr user, peter pearson; "Old Stick Shift" by flickr user, Ian.Kobylanski; "Children's O'Neill Reactor Full Wetsuit" by flickr user, surfcrs. All used under a Creative Commons License.