From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Eurasian Land War

by Sam Kemmis

There have been a lot of troubling internal reports lately, and it's time to restate a few long-standing company policies (from the employee handbook):

  • Employees are not allowed on the roof of the building at any time.
  • Employees may not use printers or copiers for personal use.
  • Employees may not invade Russia, regardless of perceived numerical, tactical, or technological superiority.

Is this confusing to anyone? Does any of these need to be spelled out? They seem pretty clear, but apparently some employees have taken it upon themselves to break the tenuous peace agreement and invade Russia. You may be the greatest military genius of the modern age, but supply chains can only stretch so far, OK?

These policies are in place for a reason, people. It may seem like a good idea to invade given Tsar Alexander's relatively weak army, but logistical as well as diplomatic hurdles abound, folks. Not only do you risk to lose the support of the Prussian and Austrian empires for yourself, but for the REST OF THE OFFICE. Think about how your actions reflect on the rest of us before you go breaking treaties, all right?

It's just common sense to avoid going on the office roof, or marching your army across the expanse of Mother Russia during rasputitsa. In the former dumb-dumb move, you risk falling and seriously hurting yourself, putting the company at risk of costly litigation. In the latter, you risk depleting your numerical advantage in the face of scorched-earth tactics and dangerous marching conditions. Noodle on it for a second before you decide to do either.

Using the copier for personal use, like marching on Moscow, will both result in but pyrrhic victories. Yes, you will have copies of the flyers for your upcoming yard sale, and yes you will have captured the enemy's capital. But what then? And what tremendous cost do these temporary victories come?

Until these policies are followed exactly, the stairwell to the roof will be locked and employees' command of the Grande Armée is temporarily suspended.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager