From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Text-Based Home Office

by Sam Kemmis

Employees,

The IT department finally installed the new VPN admin system. This means that many of you can work from home as though you were actually in the office. I'm not a computer gal myself (as anyone who has seen me working on my Amiga can attest) but my understanding is that the new system is a TEXT-BASED VIRTUAL FACSIMILE of the actual office, and lets you perform tasks as though you were here.


Here is an example of my day working from home, to give you a sense of how it works.

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WELCOME TO VIRTUA-OFFICE 1.04


You are sitting in an office at a desk.

> Look

It is a simple office. There is a desk against one wall holding a computer, and a trash can next to the desk. To the south is a door into the hallway.

> Inspect trash can

There are several empty Lean Cuisine pizza boxes in there, as well as a monkey-wrench.

> Take monkey-wrench

Taken.

> I

Your inventory: Security badge, day-by-day prescription pill container, monkey-wrench.

> Turn on computer

How do you 'Turn on'?

> Boot

What do you want to boot?

> Boot computer.

The computer whirrs and the monitor flickers to life. On your desktop is an image of YOUR DIABETIC CAT.

> Open email

You open your computer's email application. You see that you have 104 new messages, 4 of which are marked "urgent."

> Delete emails.

Are you sure you want to delete all new emails? y/n

> y

Your emails are deleted.

> S

You head out the doorway and into the hallway. The hallway runs north into the break room, and south into the cubicle area.

> N

You enter the break room. There are several employees sitting at the table, looking at a smart phone and laughing.

> Sigh

How do you want to sigh?

> Sigh derisively

You sigh derisively, and the employees notice your presence. They stop laughing, one of them shaking his head.

> Use monkey-wrench.

What do you want to use the monkey-wrench on?

> Use monkey-wrench on insolent employee.

You hit the insolent employee over the head with the monkey-wrench. Blood begins pouring out of the young man's head in a surprisingly viscous geyser. The other employees grab the wrench from you and pin you against the wall. They call the police who take you to jail. After a straightforward homicide trial you are convicted on all counts and sentenced to life in prison, no parole.

THE END

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See, folks, that's how it works. It will be slightly different for you (you will not start in my office, for instance), but the basics are the same. Please email Ron in IT if you have any questions. Also, Dylan the temp is no longer working with us.

-Bye-

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager