From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Upcoming Demographic Catastrophe

by Sam Kemmis

OK folks, the office has a major demographic problem on its hands. You've all swept it under the rug for years, but it's not going away. Here's the age pyramid of current employees:

Men are in green, women in grey. If you don't know how to read an age pyramid, that's not my problem. 

It doesn't take a professional demographer to notice the problem: No children. The youngest employee is 23. That means that in another couple of decades the office will be entirely over 40, with no hale youth to care for the frail aged. (Do I need even need to link to the Wikipedia page for the socio-demographic implications of China's One Child Policy?)

You know what that means, folks: The office needs offspring. Specifically: Yours. It is with a heavy heart that I suggest this, as the thought of any of you performing base sexual acts with one another sends a shiver down the spine of my soul. But I'm afraid it has come to this.

To facilitate the ushering in of a new generation of employees, the office will be observing these protocols:


If you read this far into the email, congratulations. You have met my most minimal expectations.

Bye.

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager