From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Hobbesian Dystopia

by skemmis

Heads up: I will be out of the office from Monday June 11th thru Friday June 15th. I'm visiting my sister who has DIABETES.

If you have any issues during that time email Dan Schmardjin: dschmardj@thompsoncorperationinc.com. Please:

DO NOT LET THE OFFICE SPIRAL INTO AN ANARCHIC DYSTOPIA WHILE I AM GONE, PEOPLE.

Here are some "tips":

  • Only use printer stock paper to load the copier, do NOT use multipurpose paper. The multipurpose paper will clog the printer, as I've told you a thousand times. And do not, under any circumstances, form two clans with allegiances to the two types of paper. This will sow chaos and disorder, capiche?
  • When faced with a moral quandary, (a) Email Dan Schmardjin. (b) Appeal to your sense of human dignity. For example, if you're about to crack open a co-worker's skull with a homemade stone axe, THINK ABOUT THE OUTCOME OF THESE ACTIONS. I'm your office manager, people, not your babysitter -- I shouldn't even have to tell you this.
  • Please clean out anything left in the fridge after Friday. Smelly leftovers might not cause the unraveling of all social order, but it can't help.
  • If anything in the office becomes a "symbol of reason", DO NOT BREAK THIS OBJECT. (i.e. do not dash the object upon the rocks). If the scanner becomes that symbol, definitely do no break it. They do not make scanners anymore, so the office will be without a scanner if you break the scanner. This is common sense, folks.
  • If you have to kill someone in an ecstatic dance of bloodlust, please make sure it's not Dan Schmardjin, the assistant office manager. He may symbolize tranquility and order, but that should be all the more reason not to play into any HACKNEYED Christ-symbolism. Please be original with your allegories, people.

Thanks for reading this. I'll send extremely frequent, detailed updates on my sister's DIABETES throughout the trip.

?-Katherine Tull-Potts, BA


Conch Shell from waynewilkinson is used under a Creative Commons License.