Hard To Find Safe News Lately: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

HONOLULU (UPI) -- A Texas teenager on a Make-A-Wish Foundation sponsored trip to Hawaii caught a 759-pound marlin with the help of a boat crew.

Traditionally, a fish large than 750 pounds is known as a "Marlin Brando."

 

MArlin

 

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A Dutch non-profit called the Mars One Foundation announced in New York it is taking applications for volunteers willing to take a one-way trip to Mars.

A later announcement clarified that the foundation wasn't just making some 1950s style threat, they really WERE planning a mission to Mars.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 Tuesday to narrow the circumstances under which an alien can be deported for a marijuana offense.

Legal experts say this means the entire cast of 1981's Heavy Metal can finally rest easy.

 

 

VATICAN CITY (UPI) -- Pope Francis said Monday there are "climbers" in the Catholic Church hierarchy who are "stealing the glory away from Jesus."

A spokesperson for the climbers, Cardinal Don Kay-Kong, took this news by stamping his feet, jumping up and down until the floors slanted, and tossing barrels one by one.

LOUDONVILLE, N.Y. (UPI) -- Nine of 10 New York voters say corruption among state legislators is a serious problem, a poll released Monday indicates.

Naturally, the one hold out just bought a brand new car with a huge pile of unmarked small bills.

MArlin from PinkMoose is used under a Creative Commons License.