Inside The Woot Writers' Room: Squirrel Avengers, Assemble!

by Team Chuckle!

Comic book nerds everywhere are chattering either excitedly or disdainfully about the new trailer for Joss Whedon's upcoming Avengers flick. The response has generally been positive, with a lot of speculation on who will join Loki's plot for world domination and what comic book storyline(s) the movie will adapt. Naturally, we Woot Writers had our own thoughts when the trailer was unceremoniously dropped into our chat room. Naturally those thoughts eventually digressed into whether or not a grown man could fend off an attack by 20 squirrels...

 

 

Jason:  I like the Avengers trailer as much as everybody else on the Internet, but boy do I wish it didn't include the line "I don't play well with others."
Matthew:  NO SPOILERS
Jason:  It was a "spoiler" for me too
Randall:  I'm willing to forgive that, but the other line is way worse in my opinion.
Dave:  As long as they don't say "Ooh, THAT'S gotta hurt."
Matthew:  Got all the way past the first credit slate and was like "what, not even a GLIMPSE of the Hulk?"
Jason:  ha
Matthew:  But then a glimpse, so that's OK
Randall:  "If we can't save the earth, we'll avenge it." CLUNK.
Jason:  ugh
Randall:  I like their choice of casting David Cross with a wig as Dr. Bruce Banner.
Jason:  heh
It doesn't make much sense to me that the Hulk - a guy who was an Avenger for like four issues - is included but, say, the Black Panther isn't.
Scott:  well, he wasn't there to start
Jason:  Or Ant-Man, or the Wasp.
Randall:  One of the YouTube comments says something like "OMG NO WOLVERINE OR SPIDERMAN?! FAIL!"
Jason:  nor was Black Widow or Hawkeye
Scott:  that one's because they're toxic after mark millar turned him into a wifebeater
Randall:  Ant-Man is a pretty glaring omission, but at least someone at the studio said "we can't f---ing put Ant Man in a movie."
Scott:  I think you could make a decent Ant Man movie
Jason:  But I don't want to fall into the "MOVIES MUST BE EXACTLY LIKE THE COMICS" trap. I'm sure the Hulk will be appropriately cinematic.
Scott:  you just have to play up the science and make the bad guy some kind of evil religious figure, and get the science mostly right
Randall:  I'm willing to be Hollywood turns Ant Man into 2 hours of this:


Scott:  the internet could eat that up if you play it like Darkman
Scott:  YES
Matthew:  THE ULTIMATES sure turned out to be a real golden goose for Marvel
Jason:  The problem with including the shrinky superheroes in a team is one of scale. Pretty much whenever they're using their powers you can't see what's going on with the regular-sized heroes, and vice-versa.
Scott:  i still say that was intentionally trolling, Randy
Matthew:  Keeps on givin'
Scott:  Wicker Man was what the Avengers (UK) movie should have been
Jason:  except in the pages of the comics, Matthew
Randall:  Ha
Jason:  because christ that third series was awful
Matthew:  Yeah, I didn't look at it after Bryan Hitch stopped drawing it
Randall:  If Ant-Man's in the movie you already know going in it's going to end with some giant indestructable thing that has a tiny weakness, resulting in another "Luke blows up the death star" race through a robot head.
Matthew:  It's that same thing again: The artist is the storyteller in comics.
Scott:  well, that's fair
Scott:  it'd have to be non-hollywood
Scott:  like jodoroworsky's ant man
Matthew:
  I wish they'd gone with a European actress for Black Widow, but whatever. Having ScarJo aboard probably helps get investors and all that.
Randall:  She was mis-cast, in my opinion, since she's such a VISION to behold.
Randall:  Eh? Eh?
Scott:  she'd be a good jocasta, actually
Scott:  that's my hope, that we'll build to something like the Korvac saga and see 150 top name actors fighting a cgi monster and get a budget that's roughly Avatar and Titanic's profits combined
Scott:  well that last line sort of dashes any hope that whedon might try something out of his comfort zone
Dave:  Forgive my comic book ignorance. Is Thor, THE Thor, or is it some sort of Green Lantern-type, various people are Thor through the ages?
Scott:  but i'm impressed how scarjo carries that thousand yard stare
Dave, it's real Thor, but in the movie they're not gods, just super-advanced aliens
Dave:  Oh. That makes it even more confusing.
Scott:  Marvel sometimes has to skirt around the "what was he doing in WWII when his people were Nazis" idea
Scott:  it's not, really, Asgard is just like they say, but primitive man misunderstood, and they aren't God gods, so don't picket us
Scott:  that's the only reason it's there
Dave:  I was going to say, when you're standing in a line, and one guy's a genius with armor, another guy has some genetic modifications, one guy got some radiation tweaks, and one guy is an actual god, it seems a little uneven, power-wise.
Scott:  Cap has the power of hope
Scott:  and Black Widow's hot
Scott:  but Hawkeye in the comics always secretly feels insecure
Randall:  Except when he was secretly Bullseye.
PS I'm gonna use our Avengers chat for a blog post.
Scott:  ha
Scott:  IF ONLY WE HAD A LIBERTARIAN SUPERHERO WHAT A GREAT THING THAT WOULD BE RIGHT GUYS
Randall:  There's your daily jab. Now it's officially a blog.
Matthew:
  In the ULTIMATES universe there was some flirtation with the idea that Thor was a mutant with psychotic delusions
Randall:  Wasn't Thor a homeless guy with a sledge hammer for awhile? Or was that some stupid "NEVERMIND ONSLAUGHT HAPPENED" retcon thing?
Matthew:  Some nordic street person with mutant powers who just thought he was Thor
Jason:  It was Marvel's attempt at dealing with the issue of widespread homelessness among Scandinavian immigrants.
Randall:  Ha.
Scott:  Dave, there's a hero named Squirrel Girl who started out as a joke, and she beat some cosmic-level bad guy as also a joke, and then a writer got SO mad and retconned it, saying she never could and taking it too seriously
Scott:  but all the other writers thought that was hysterical and started using Squirrel Girl to beat everyone, from Doctor Doom to Galactus just to piss off the guy who didn't get the joke
Scott:  and recently they've revealed Squirrel Girl dumped Wolverine, and he wants her back
Scott:  ps she can talk to squirrels. that's it
Randall:  I can't take Thor seriously if Marvel refuses to address the "he's a god, people should fall down and switch religions whenever he shows up" thing.
Randall:  Plus they have to reconcile Greek, Nordic, and now Roman gods all occupying slots as heroes/villains.
Jason:  Speaking of Squirrel Girl, this Avengers movie looks OK as something to tide me over until they finally make that Great Lakes Avengers movie.
Scott:  When I was a kid, they had a bad guy called the Crusader who was empowered by Christ
Randall:  I remember that guy.
Scott:  he lasted an issue or so, but he fought thor and addressed it
Scott:  and then probably Jim Shooter was like ARE YOU ASS-----S OUT OF YOUR MIND and he never showed up again
Randall:  Ha
Scott:  I would probably enjoy Great Lakes more than Whedony Marvel but it's gonna make mad bank, I bet
Randall:  Well that part's all but guaranteed. As long as they don't blow a billion on CGI, they'll make insane cash.
Dave:  I guess there are at least a ton of squirrels around. It sounds more usable than Aquaman's powers.
Scott:  where's my nine part Alpha Flight by Peter Bogdanovich, that's what I want to know
Dave:  I wonder how many squirrels I could fight off. Maybe 20? It depends on how coordinated their attacks were.
Jason:  3 squirrels coming at you and you'd be s---ting your pants. No shame in it. We all would.
Scott:  one angry squirrel could probably take me
Matthew:  Don't get Joel in on this how-many-squirrels-could-you-beat-in-barehanded-combat debate
Scott:  as I think about it, maybe John Waters should do Alpha Flight
Scott:  (randy, hope you haven't finished that post yet)
Dave:  One raccoon wandering vaguely in my direction got me to sprint in the other direction, so you're probably right.
Randall:  We just had a five minute discussion about squirrel fighting.
Scott:  it's not goofing off, it's generating content
Jason:  I think you could eventually fight off a bunch of squirrels, but there'd be a lot of terror along the way. You'd have squirrel nightmares for decades.
Randall:  I think you could win a fight to the death with 20 squirrels, but you'd take some damage.
And yeah, it'd be horrific.
Randall:  Plus once you whittle their numbers down to three or four it gets REALLY hard, because they're spread out more and harder to catch.
Scott:  yeah, depends on the goal
Scott:  "just survive" is different than "total victory"
Randall:  There is only one goal. The absolute destruction of squirrel-kind.
Scott:  do you get a gun
Randall:  Nope. Bare hands.
Matthew:
  WEASELS RIPPED MY FLESH
Randall:  I can't think of a strategy beyond "let them bite me, then wrench them off my body and twist their necks"
Scott:  "kill every squirrel in the world with your bare hands" is not a valid possibility
Randall:  Not every squirrel. Just these marauding 20.
Scott:  they'd still get away
Scott:  you see how they shoot around trees, they'd rip you apart as they escaped you
Sean:  Oh that's something I hadn't considered. The damage of them jumping off.
Scott:  and then attack the other side, where your genitals are
Randall:  Well they're not LIONS. They can only bite so much.
Scott:  you can grab two, as they bite you, while 18 are tearing you up just trying to climb down
Randall:  They don't even have fangs. It's going to be a nasty bite, but it's survivable.
Scott:  unless they're trying to leave as well, you're doomed
Randall:  You have to make sure your pants are hermetically sealed.
Scott:  What's the squirrels' goal? To eradicate you, or to just go home to their tree
Scott:  that makes a difference how they fight, I think
Randall:  For some reason, they have decided they must end you.
Scott:  20 squirrels trying to kill you means they win, the end
Randall:  BUT they don't have human intelligence. Once anything has human intelligence, you're screwed.
Scott:  squirrels win
Randall:  Eh, I don't know.
Sean:  I'm with Randy on this one.
Scott:  even squirrel brains
Jason:  No weapons, but I'm willing to concede some kind of armor-plated codpiece. Don't let this discussion turn us into monsters.
Scott:  JACKIE CHAN BEATS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Matthew:
  I could kill 20 squirrels
Scott:  SPEED OVER SIZE
Scott:  that's the vermont talking, Matthew. think rationally
Randall:  But could you kill 20 squirrels who are simultaneously trying to kill you? And clarification: they are not on a country road and you are not driving.
Matthew:  Yes
Jason:  the best squirrel defense is a good offense
Scott:  I don't even know what this post will be about any more
Kristy:  i just know i hope i'm on matthew's team
Randall:  Also, Kristy is one of the squirrels.
Kristy:  can i be rabid?
Matthew:
  They'll be hard pressed to get better than superficial bite penetration. Then they'll be hard pressed under my heel.
Sean:  Ha!
Exactly!
Randall:  Then next week's podcast is a song about squirrel smashin'.
Matthew:  A person would get hurt badly from a pain standpoint, but not from a seriousness-of-injuries standpoint.
Kristy:  and then cleaning their bones
Scott: 
I had a pet prairie dog, who has similar tooth design to a squirrel. They can rip you up deeply when they wanna
Scott:  My best friend still has a nasty scar, and that was just in passing
Matthew:  Plus, once you got one in your hand, you could literally throw it 30 yards, buying time to break another tiny, fuzzy neck
Scott:  he wasn't even TRYING to kill him
Sean:  I think the key is to get down low.
Scott:  I think you're underestimating how hard they can hold on
Jason:  They can open acorns with their teeth with one bite, all the livelong day. Doesn't sound superficial to me.
Matthew:  That's what I mean -- deeply for a cut you would want to get, but not deeply as in deep enough to get at your vitals.
Kristy:  but if i'm rabid, at least it's something you'll have to get attention for pretty soon
Matthew:  Acorns are like one inch across
Scott:  first time one gets to your eyes, your whole plan is over|
Jason:  bingo
Randall:  I love the idea of stumbling across Matthew in a park somewhere, covered in blood and squirrels, chucking them one by one over the horizon.
Matthew:


 

And so ends another glimpse into just how much time we waste in a day. And just so you know, it WAS just a glimpse. Dave went on to google Galactus's weight and we debated if there's a physical limit to the height of a pyramid made of squirrels. But what about you, dear reader? Are you excited for The Avengers movie? And how many squirrels could YOU kill in a bare-knuckle brawl?