Inside the Woot Writers' Room: We Hate Baboons

by Randall Cleveland

People often wonder what it's like in the Woot Writers' Room. They like to ask about how cool it is, how we get any work done when we're constantly tweeting and posting about neat crap we find on the internet, and if they can get a job here. But the truth is we spend most of our day in a chat room collaborating on ideas and having some serious discussions that we sometimes scrub lightly for profanity and post here.

Like today, when I found this amazing video on Reddit that shows baboons kidnapping puppies and raising them as pets and posted it in the writers' chat room: (Editor's note: skip the first minute if you don't want to see a baboon treating a puppy rougher than most people like to see puppies treated)

 

 

Randall: WTF baboons abduct puppies and raise them as guard dogs?!

Scott:
Today I learned that Randy might be a pathological liar.

Scott:
A liar with a video budget.

Randall:
Skip like the first minute of that, unless you want to see a baboon forcibly abduct a puppy.

Jason:
All of my natural sympathy for fellow primates goes out the window when it comes to baboons. Kill them with fire.

Randall:
Racist.

Gatzby:
Jason was spanked as a child and ever since he's feared a large, red ass.

Pilot:
Some of us find it sexy.

Scott:
That's amazing.

Randall:
Maybe it's the more canine-looking face, or the huge engorged genitals, but there's something off-putting about them.

Scott:
That's some dawn of man s$%&.

Randall:
Right? Makes you wonder how it took us so long to domesticate dogs ourselves.

Scott:
Maybe we're just the pets to some four-dimensional parasite.

Randall:
Wasn't that a plot line in The Authority?

Scott:
That's very possible.

Randall:
They land in the "real earth" dimension, and figure out that there are no superheroes here because a giant invisible jellyfish is leeching all the life energy from everyone.

Jason:
Baboons are just #%$holes, is all. The physical grotesquerie just makes them that much more loathsome.

Scott:
Well that clears up a lot.

Gatzby:
They do seem to flaunt their ability to use tools more than any other creature. They're kind of like the security guards of the animal kingdom.

Randall:
I think if you met just about any primate on the street, odds are you would walk away thinking it was an #%$hole. Humans included.

Gatzby:
I don't know, capuchins are kinda cute. And anything that will dance to an organ beat is okay by me.

Randall:
So are chimps, but they will rip your %&$damn arms off if given half a chance.

Gatzby:
Which is why I carry ketamine wherever I go.

Randall:
Also, I'm not 100% capuchins are primates.

Gatzby:
I guess they could be aliens.

Randall:
Are monkeys still primates? Or am I just confusing that with apes?

Jason:
Monkeys, apes, and lemurs. All primates.

(Jason then posted a link to this story about gangs of baboons terrorizing Capetown, South Africa.)


Randall:
HOW DO THEY KNOW THAT BABOON CALLS HIMSELF FRED? That is the FAR more interesting angle to that story.

Gatzby:
Haha, I love that the google suggestions for capuchin are "capuchin monkey" "capuchin monkey for sale" "capuchin monkey for sale washington."

Randall:
If I see a roving gang of 30 baboons moving down my street pillaging %&$^, I think I'm just going to hang myself in the shower.

Jason:
Ha.

Gatzby:
THEY DID IT.

Randall:
Game over, man.

Gatzby:
THEY REALLY DID IT.

Gatzby:
YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!

Scott:
haha

Gatzby:
But yeah, seriously. I'm finding a rifle and taking out as many as I can and saving one round for myself.

Randall:
Unless you could hire that gang from last week's This American Life that comes to your town and defends you against other gangs.

Scott:
I'm picturing Randy in Planet of the Apes the first time a baboon comes up riding a horse.

Gatzby:
My last tweet is going to be a picture of the horde with "Sorry about complaining about all those other things."

Scott:
Just shaking his head and going, "I should have known. My life was building to this."

Randall:
I would just start ripping as much of my skin off as I could so as to bleed to death quickly.

Randall:
Ha @ Gatz

Gatzby:
"I'd like to apologize to @kcmetrobus for all the complaints. I've never been sexually assaulted by 30 baboons on the 8.

Randall:
"The Seattle Metropolitan Transit System, in retrospect, should not have been the focus of my negativity."

Scott:
Haha

Randall:
Beat me to it, Gatz! Although don't assume that couldn't happen on the 8 in the future.

Gatzby:
I assume it would happen on the 2, but I rule nothing out.

Randall:
@kcmetrobus: traffic is pretty backed up thru downtown, and also a pack of rapist baboons has taken over the 2.

Jason: hahaha

Jason: @kcmetrobus, it's called a troop.

But what do you think, dear reader? Are baboons the scourge of the primate world? Isn't it neat that they have dogs as pets? And would you join the resistance or opt for a quiet, dignified death when they rise up?