Turn Me On
Begone, fear of dying alone!
Are you tired of going to bed alone night after night after night after night? Yes, you are. You are terribly tired of that crushing loneliness, the inevitable weeping, the thought "nobody cares" swirling through your mind until sleep finally comes. Thankfully, you can put this LG 47" 1080p LED TV with an image of your ideal mate in bed with you and sleep with it each night, dispelling your loneliness at last.
This might sound unsatisfying, but you're probably underestimating the superb picture quality this full-HD 1080p TV affords. It will fool the desperate, grasping, terrified portion of your brain that NEEDS SOMEBODY RIGHT NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. And that will let you move on to more important aspects of your life, like frittering away what little youth you have left.
Think of it as a slightly lower-tech version of "Weird Science." You create a perfect companion to keep you company during those cold nights, and the TV's 100,000:1 contrast ratio provides sufficient verisimilitude to convince you that somebody actually loves you. But unlike "Weird Science", your meat-headed older brother (played by Bill Paxton) won't get turned into a gross, belching monster by your TV-turned-spouse.
Who knows, maybe somebody will be so impressed by your enormous TV that they'll actually want to date you.
Oh boy. Sorry. [Wipes tear from eye]. That was a good one.