Lock Up Your Dachshunds: Bret Michaels Is Coming After Your Pets

by Jason Toon

You gotta hand it to Bret Michaels. He's turned his few years in front of a dopey pop-metal drag show into a multimedia career that just won't go away. While his fellow AquaNet casualties are reduced to courting publicity with pathetic tales of "almost" getting blown up, Bret continues to ooze his way into all kinds of cultural crannies. His latest unwelcome encore: the Bret Michaels Pets Rock Collection.


Every bone has its lawn… Just like every chew toy will get gnawed…
Just like every puppy needs newspapers to pee on…


Yes, it's a line of dog gear soaked in the timeless(ly cheesy) Bret Michaels aesthetic, the same way his ilk used to soak the bathroom floor at the Cathouse. If you thought the whole corset/bandanna/leather look was embarrassing on humans, check out how it looks on poor, unsuspecting dogs. I'm having trouble imagining the consumer who is swayed by this marketing campaign, but that might be my subconscious trying to protect me from that horrifying vision.

But it does raise the question: what other hair-metal endorsements could win over this demographic? Night Ranger infrared security cameras? Kip Winger fruit pies? Vince Neil breathalyzers? And where was Faster Pussycat on this whole Petsmart deal, anyway? Post your ideas in the discussion thread…